I'm sorry you feel so hopeless I really think you need to temporarily disengage from the parenting aspect of your SD until you resolve your issues with your wife. Let your wife handle (or ignore) her issues and come to you if she needs help. It really seems to just be causing more problems. Obviously you are not in the wrong, but the issues between you & your wife are bigger then the issues with SD, in your wife's mind, because she always gravitates toward them even when its just about SD.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

That your DW can't see your genuine interest in SD... And even sadder is the fact that if you were the Biological father you would be a "concerned parent" as opposed to "nosy one"...

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

somewhere inside, your wife knows it. She's a master at avoiding issues with her daughter, and turning them into issues between you two.

Cancel the phone plan. Or get the kid a phone that isn't a camera phone. Anything to stop that garbage.

And don't be on the defensive about checking the phone-be on the offense. The kid did wrong, you suspected it, and like any responsible parent, followed thru with your suspicions. So instead of approaching it with "Msloan found these pictures on your phone" approach it with "What are these kinds of pictures doing on your phone". Putting the full responsiblity where it belongs-on the kid.

I hate to say it sounds as tho your wife is manipulating you, but it sure sounds like she is. And show your wife you are serious. Another poster on here is separating from her H, to think things thru and get a clear head. Maybe it's time you consider doing the same...

I just feel awful for you. You've been trying so hard, but seem to be spinning your tires in the sand here. There are simply no easy answers.

Two steps forward, then three steps back. I agree with you completely, you need to get an appt to see your therapist ASAP. I had a situation come up a couple of weeks ago with my FH and it just got to the point where it was so bad we couldn't even talk and I had to back down and just go to counseling to get the issue resolved. I understand totally where you are coming from. How hard is it to just stick to the issue and not start blaming your partner? You are supposed to be in this together and you are only looking out for the best interests of SD. Not trying to "get something on her". You have provide for that child for quite some time and you are entitled to know what is going on. I hate hate hate that you are going through this and please let us know how the session goes. I do not blame you for being prepared though if this goes south. Take care.

but did you not say that another family member had picked up her phone and she all but had a panic attack? I would tell DW you noticed this and noticed SD's reaction and suspected it was because there was something on the phone that should not be there.

In the end Bewitched has the right approach. It doesn't matter WHO found the pictures. They are there and it needs to be dealt with firstly by putting the responsibility on SD, where it belongs, just like Bewitched said.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I know you've been doing everything you can to avoid a split, but honestly, is this anyway to live? You're sleepless on the couch because your SD did something very wrong?

Does your wife know you're considering leaving, because she can't seem to treat you as a spouse, but instead, as the enemy? And this particular example, with the phone, SCREAMS how very wrong she is.

Sorry, but this lady sounds hopeless. What should be a real wake up call for her is just being twisted around again.

Your wife needs a serious wake-up call. It seems like she is a very sweet bully!! I think you should drop this until you can talk it over with a counselor. Just lay low until then, but go ahead with your plans just in case.

Also - why would you buy her a condo? If you do split don't worry you will be paying child support - so she can buy her own! This really annoys me and I don't even know her - but I do know she is avoiding a huge issue with her child - why??!!

Sorry this is just so disrespectful to you. Susan (just so you guys know I do have a name and am not the TOTAL personification of evil like I pretend ;))!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

as usual. I don't know the circumstances surrounding the pics and the phone. I will offer this though. IF SD were your BD and you found some questionable pics on her phone you would have reacted the same way. I feel that it is natural for a parent to be concerned. THAT is all the reason why you involved DW the bio parent. I'm sorry but DW is just W-R-O-N-G on this. Would she have been mad and felt that you were being negative if this was your shared daughter? I think not. In fact, she would think less of you to find out that you knew or suspected and ignored it. In fact, she would have come to dislike you if God-forbid something worse came out of the situation. THEN the argument would have been that you don't care. She has placed you in a no-win situation and SHE needs to figure how to deal with these conflicts in a better way. Counseling is a good thing and hopefully it will help her see the errors of her ways because lets face it...It's only JUST begun. SD is preparing for High School. DW hasn't even begun to think of the crap that SD will be influenced by and without healthy boundaries she will fall prey to them all.

Good Luck.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

The more blogs I read on this site makes me realize that I'm not crazy. I just had a the same situation come up involving one of the SK's lying to the BF about something I had done. And my DW protecting and the kids and the BF actions. I told the DW I have had enough of being treated like a door mat for her and the kids.

MSloan, you are not wrong in this. It is our responsibility to check on these kids. Your wife has her head in the sand, she sounds like the type that doesn't like conflict so don't go looking for any, even if it means that her daughter might be heading down a very bad path. She should not even have questions why you looked, she should be glad that you care enough that you did. No questions asked. And daughter shouldn't even get to ask 'who looked'...not an option, not up for discussion, she doesn't need to know who or how...just needs to know what her consequences are going to be for doing this and need to know that she will be check on these kinds of things until she is 18 or out of your house. If her mother turned this around on you, it is very possible that step daughter will do the same thing with BM...it will end up WHO intruded on her privacy, to take the attention off of what she did wrong. If this doesn't alarm your DW that her daughter could end up in some kind of trouble heading on this path, then I don't know what will wake her up. What, maybe finding out her darling daughter is pregnant at age 14...then will she see the light?

Even if you had the phones turned off, I'm sure your DW would get her darling daughter one one her own.
I know you would be out of there in a heartbeat if it wasn't for your bio daughter. Does your DW know that you are at your end here and are contemplating leaving, and that you will fight for custody of your bio, or at least 50/50?

MS, I am in the same exact place you are! And we did by her a phone that isn't a camera but she still get the pics. So I changed the plan so she couldn't get pics. Yet she still can!! Idk how but she does?? On my SD13's phone is not only innapporiate things of her but also gang signs and stuff like that even pics of her getting high?? We erased them and she put them back on!! I look at SD phone whenever possible! I look at my BS12's phone as well. I say if they want privacy they can have it when they move and pay their own rent! PERIOD!!! My H is the same way when she isn't here he acts all pissed about the stuff and asks my advice, but when she is no mention of the pics or taking the phone to school, or calls and texts in the middle of the night!! I am at a loss with you!! Good luck and if you find the answer plz clue me in {{{{{HUGS}}}}
"Why doesn't the BM get it, if they knew how to keep their men happy. I would never be the evil stepmother"

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

So you spent the nite up last nite, on the sofa. Over an irresponsible act your SD did. Hmmmm. Kind of backwards. No, alot backwards.

Time to tell the wife that as you are the one who pays the mortgage, puts food on the table, clothing on their backs, you will no longer stand for this behaviour. (I know, kind of cavemanish, but, hey desperate times call for desperate measures).

Let her spend the nite on the couch if she doesn't like it.

It occured to me, about your situation - I do understand you are worried about splitting up and not seeing your BD as much, BUT - I cannot tell you how many wonderful women would love to find a stable caring man like yourself!! You could get re-married in a heartbeat!!

So ask your wife if that is what she is trying for? not your remarriage, but another divorce. I bet her answer will be No. But don't worry about you, you will be fine! and so will BD, just maybe with a stepmom.?

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

It seems that instead of being relieved that she has a supportive coparent, your DW is almost annoyed by it. Her reaction is out of line, though. Perhaps she just can't cope with the fact that your parenting and concern draw attention to her obvious lack thereof. Your concern and "snooping" is in my opinion something called parenting. Why is it that so many of us Steps end up being the only consistent, stable parent out of the whole lot of them? I think that your DW needs a wake up call!

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

are ending? Did you buy the current house together or did you or she own it prior to the marriage?

If I recall correctly you have not been married long enough for her to have claim on your premarital resources.

Your W obviously has issues that she had not dealt with. My belief that the kid is in your home and you can check her phone, e-mail, my space, FaceBook, ETC... at your discretion. The right to privacy does not apply to children and parenting supersedes privacy any way. Your home, your rules. SD abides by the them or goes to live with her Dad. PERIOD!

I am assuming the pictures were of a pornographic nature. That is totally inappropriate for a teen to have on her phone or anywhere else for that matter. The same applies to boys.

Scalping a peek at the PlayBoy/PlayGirl rack is one thing but porn pictures of her or the boyfriend that can be broadcast are something else entirely.

Hang in there, your W will either get a clue or she will leave. I hope she chooses the one you wish.

Best regards,