Bm responded... Need feedback
So Bm responded.
Of the 6 things Dh is asking for, she only responded to 4 of them. So as you may know, Dh is asking for Visitation to remain every weekend, shared transportation, Holidays to be split every other year, Taking turns claiming Ss on taxes every year, communication to be via our family wizard and lastly joint legal custody-which here in our is usually standard unless there is history of abuse or something crazy.
WELL, Bm basically wrote a letter saying that she agreed to visitation to continue every weekend and every other holiday. She stated in the letter that she disagreed with shared transportation because she felt that if Dh "wanted" to see SS, it was HIS responsibility to pick him up and drop him off. She then went on what appears to be a rant about how/why she disagrees with Dh claiming Ss every other year for taxes. Bm's reasoning for that was because 1. The IRS says you can't do it and 2. She thinks Dh is doing this for money. and 3. because Dh has missed parent teacher conferences & school functions. Yes I'll admit Dh has missed a lot of these things but it was because she threatened not to let him see Ss if I, Dh's wife, attended these events. Should we have gone anyway? Probably. Do we go now? Yes. Bm also went on to say she didn't think he should claim Ss every other year because whenever Ss is sick, Dh go w/ Bm to urgent care... Is this relevant? she also stated that she didn't think he should claim Ss every other year because Dh refuses to buy Ss's school supplies-isn't this what CS is for? After bashing Dh as a father in her letter she stated that due to all the info above that she didn't think Ss was dependent on DH and that Dh is "Simply a weekend dad" ... Umm Bm doesn't work so who is provides for Ss financially? Dh. Who provides health insurance for this child? Dh.
Bm also talked about how DH was given a parenting plan when they initially went to court and HE never filed it... Umm isn't filing a PP a shared responsibility?
And finally Bm closed with that she's been the custodial parent for the past 6 years and she should remain so... Not too sure why she included that because Dh isn't seeking any additional time or to switch custody arrangements...
What do you guys think of this? Do you think the judge would consider any of that to deny anything he is requesting?
Bm didn't mention electronic communication or the joint legal custody.
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Yep!
Yep!
Yes. There needs to be a
Yes. There needs to be a court ordered parenting plan in place. You guys should be documenting everything at this point and preparing for a legal battle.
Well the main reason Dh is
Well the main reason Dh is going to court is for the transportation, in your opionion, do you a judge would deny this just because she "thinks" Dh should provide transportation if he wants to see Ss? I know Dh will have to go to court but just for the sake of conversation, ya know?
Yep, from reading the letter, it's very clear she's wanting a battle, which is too bad because Dh isn't asking a lot. Thankfully she's too broke for a lawyer so we'll see how this pans out.
Sounds like she's blowing
Sounds like she's blowing smoke up your dh's ass. I'd take my chances with a judge and I'd be sure to give him a copy of the letter. Belittling him and berating him won't win her any points with the judge.
As far as the IRS thing goes, I think she's mistaken. My dh and twat waffle split every other year tax wise, it's even written into their parenting plan.
Oh and not attending school functions because she is barring you, been there done that. Twat Waffle had this thrown into the parenting plan. It backfired. She thought by doing this she would get dh's undivided attention during those events. He simply told the teachers he would like his own time scheduled. To which they happily complied. I remember when she called freaking out because he wouldn't attend parent teacher conferences with her. Good times, good times...
I think her deluded mind, she
I think her deluded mind, she really thinks she knows what she's talking about. Do you a think a judge would really take that info into consideration? I mean, everything she is saying is hearsay anyway.
Bm is hell bent on the IRS code about claiming the child but from everything I've read and divorced people in our state that I've talked to, the courts will order her to sign the form to grant Dh the right to claim Ss. I don't think she understands that the state trumps. And even if the court says no to Dh, what he really is going for is the issue of transportation.
Yep, the school function issue is ridiculous. Bm wanted to pretend that her and Dh were still together because she said she was too embarrassed to go alone.
Yep, I don't think Bm
Yep, I don't think Bm understands the process of signing the form to relinquish the right every other year.
I agree. If Dh didn't have
I agree. If Dh didn't have anything to do with Ss, I wouldn't be okay with him requesting these things. HOwever he does pay CS and he provides medical/dental for Ss. Bm currently lives with her Bf and her and Ss live off of the CS and her boyfriends income.
It's crazy you say that
It's crazy you say that Tausha because Dh's lawyer also told him that the person working should get the tax credit and that if Bm refuses to work that he had a good chance at getting to claim SS EVERY year until Bm decided to stop being a lazy a$$. Dh said no to that though because he felt it wasn't fair to Bm...
If dad only has time for the
If dad only has time for the kids on the weekend, as it sounds so since he doesn't show up for school conferences or events, then it does sound like he is a weekend dad.
IRS rules (which Ive kearned from this site) state that thenpremt with the most overnights gets to claim the kid, regardless of court order.
I think she explained why he
I think she explained why he didn't show up. Perhaps you should actually try reading her post? :?
IRS has rules, but if the other parent signs the form, that parent can claim the child. I am pretty sure millions of households doing this would have caught the IRS attention by now if it was illegal.
Yes thanks. I can read. She
Yes thanks. I can read. She explains that the mother made threats of the SM showed up. Regardless, the father can show up on his own and act as a father to his children or he can not show up and be "supporting" husband. His choice. He made it.
Why would she sign a form that she doesn't have to? It's her legal right to claim them. Right or wrong, that's just how it is.
And a judge can tell her that
And a judge can tell her that she DOES have to sign the form.
Thank you aggravated1. Dh
Thank you aggravated1. Dh didn't want Bm to think she could push him around by forcing him to attend these events with her however at the same time he's been very fearful of her withholding his vistation and to him, seeing his son every weekend is more important to him than a 30 min convo with his teacher. This past fall we decided that we would start attending Ss's events and we didn't care what happened with Bm because Dh knew he was taking her to court and that she wouldn't withhold vistation because she'd be fearful of what the courts thought of her.
Although the taxes aren't a big deal to Dh, Aggravated1 is correct. The court will order the custodial parent to sign IRS form 8332, which will give the non-custodial the right to claim the child. every divorced couple I know that divorced in our state, including my parents, are forced to do this. Again, the taxes aren't even an issue with Dh, it's the tranportation that he wants. Even if he has to continue the transportation he at least wants to stop of the cat and mouse game of Bm saying she'lll be at one location for him to pick up SS and then when Dh arrives saying "Sorry, i'm on the other side of town".
All I'm saying is that your
All I'm saying is that your husband hs made a decision not to be involved with his children for 5 days every week.
Would you like him to do that for your children? Do you have a child with him? Do you have children? Is that acceptable for the father of your children?
I don't see what your problem
I don't see what your problem is, it is pretty standard practice for divorced parents to divide the week up into week-days and weekend days. It makes things simple for the children who get to see both sets of parents and also gets some routine during the school week.
I don't have a problem but
I don't have a problem but wonder ...
Do you have children? Do you expect your children's father to only be involved, concerned, attend events on his custodial evenings?
... Just asking
Just cause a divorce happens, it doesn't admonish you of your responsibilities of being an involved parent. Many may think it does, but I don't. If my kids have a play, an activity, a game during "dad's" time it doesn't mean I'm not going to be there if my schedule allows. I'm their m 100% of the time even if I'm only "custodial" for 65% of the time.
I can see your logic and I
I can see your logic and I get what you're saying however I'm sure you're a normal rational person when dealing with your ex, Bm here is not.
I do like to think so however
I do like to think so however ExH and sm (especially sm in light of recent circumstances)at not agree.
I have no children to dictate
I have no children to dictate my life or for me to feel that I must present myself as a sacrifice for them (and so of course anything that I say on the subject of parenting is completely overridden by anyone who does have kids because of course I know nothing at all and they are all knowledgeable and wise to a life that is impossible for non-parents to imagine).
Supposing that I resigned my freedom and became a parent and supposing then got divorced from my husband I would think I would do the following. If it was a one off event and I could make it I would go. If it was a regular commitment on dad's time I would might go once if I was curious or there was a special event, but I'm not going to go every week so I can sit bored with the other parents, looking at my phone and then lay phony praise on the kid for the two minutes I get to interact with them afterwards. If I couldn't make an event the kid would survive and learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them. I would expect the same from my husband. This is how I was bought up with two working parents who were not available for every (or even most) event in my life and I did just fine.
But also I expect and hope that I wouldn't be a crazy threatening demanding ex that would keep my ex away from his kids as is the case for the OP's husband. That is just how I would do things, I'm glad that your kids have your undivided attention.
If and when you do have your
If and when you do have your own children, you may understand the "sacrifice" that parents make. But the funny thing is that parents don't view it as a sacrifice. I see it as my joy.
I was a teacher for several years working on my masters in education prior to having my own children. Did I inderstand facts and theories? Yes. 100%. Did I have experience with children in my class? Absolutely.
Nine if that can ever prepare you for the way your heart and mind change the moment you have a child of your own.
If you and your husband choose to go down that road, you too shall see.
Why would you say that? I
Why would you say that? I have pushed a child out through my birth canal, and I agree with Beth-Anne. So I am a parent, and I still don't know what the problem here would be?
I totally get what you're
I totally get what you're saying however when you're in steplife, as least what we believe in our household, first and foremost, it's important that we remain united as a married couple. It's what works best for us.
Dh and I do have a child and if he remarried and I was doing everything from threatending to kill his new wife and offering him sex for money (like BM has) I wouldn't be surprised if he chose to stay away either, I wouldn't even blame him.
Hey you inow step life ain't
Hey you inow step life ain't easy. I've got a crazy bm that I deal with that DH has a RO against. And I've got a very loving ExH that is too involved in his work to spend time with his kids and wants step mom to play mommy for him.
,,,, not trying to start anything, just putting it all out there realistically.
I was nice in my divorce and suggested that ExH claom our oldest every year. I didn't have to but I did. When she ages out, will i make another offering? Probably not.
I want to protect my home just as his wife wants to protect here.
Oooh yeah, I would never
Oooh yeah, I would never agree to Dh just not being involved because he's lazy or wanting me to do everything and act like "new" mommy or something to Ss. I wish Bm was decent and that she co-parented but that's not so and it's too bad because the only one suffering is Ss.
I have divorced friends and I wish all the time that Bm were like any of them because they have their childrens best interests at heart just the way I'm sure you have your kids best interest at heart ya know? It's tough!
Yeah, I'm not sure what
Yeah, I'm not sure what school functions have to do with taxes either... and like I said the taxes aren't even that big of a deal to Dh. When Bm was served she asked Dh about it and she said she would agree to everything except taxes-that's what she's upset about.
Well so far there isn't any order at this point as far as legal custody of my Ss, do you think that matters? The only CO in place at this point is what the state filed against Dh for CS because Bm had a private agreement with Dh for CS but at the same time was collecting welfare.
That's what my fear is... Do
That's what my fear is... Do you think because there is no existing order that a judge will force him to continue it?
Oh wow, well hopefully that
Oh wow, well hopefully that doesn't happen but expect the worst and hope for the best, right?
At the very least I'm sure they'll grant a pick up/drop off time so this on-going game Bm has of saying she'll be at one location for Dh to get Ss and really is somewhere else will stop.
Whoever moved first should do
Whoever moved first should do the transportation. The other stuff? She can kick rocks.
Well, that's kind of a tough
Well, that's kind of a tough one. Bm moved an hour away when she and Dh split when ss was 3 mo old however there was no CO in place at that time. Dh and Bm agreed to CS privately and then Bm filed for welfare so the state took Dh to court. At that point the addresses established were about an hour away. Since then, Dh and I have bought a home (3 years ago) which is about 45 min away from bm so tech he moved closer to her but not by much.
Bm blowing smoke or just hot
Bm blowing smoke or just hot air.
I think so... The letter
I think so... The letter itself is a joke. She lied about a lot of things. It's disappoiting that Bm is turning this into a battle because it doesn't have to be that way. Everything Dh is asking for is very fair.
I agree. None of my parents
I agree. None of my parents showed up to my crap... but that's because my dad raised me since i was a baby and he had no idea... till SM came along. That's when he realized that he had other repsonsibilities as a parent.
Did they go to everythinhg? No.
Usually in an intact family, one parent will take on the care taking of the children. In a non- intact parent, it is the PARENT"s job to play the role - not have SM or SD take over.
That's my thought of
That's my thought of transportation as well..
Also, my dad never went to any conference when I was growing up and I'm fine.
I'm hoping so. The sad thing is that this doesn't need to go to court and I could see if Bm were genuinely concerned about something unfair to her however the only thing she is stuck on is the taxes.
It's tough. Fortunately this
It's tough. Fortunately this response was sent to Dh's lawyer because Bm was rejecting the parenting plan that Dh's lawyer proposed so thankfully Dh doesn't need to respond to anything. From what I understand it goes to court from here.
Your BM's belittling of DH
Your BM's belittling of DH sounds alot like my BM...it sounds like manipulation and scare tactics to have control over your DH.
My BM was doing this to DH, and we had 50/50. I used this article to show DH he was being manipulated and abused.
We are in the process of taking BM back to court because she is just to abusive to work with.
maybe the article will help, maybe it won't, worth a read:
http://www.blendedfamilymoments.com/2012/01/ex-partner-manipulation-how-...
Oh yeah... Bm is a bully and
Oh yeah... Bm is a bully and she doesn't like it one bit that Dh is asserting himself.
Thank you for the article, I will def take a look at it!
Right? Bm's only concern
Right? Bm's only concern right now is losing what she considers her money. Dh could probably ask 50/50 custody and she would be fine with it as long as her CS didn't drop and she didn't lose the tax credit. Bm doesn't give one crap about Ss having a relationship with his father. I mean she cares so little that she's started brainwashing Ss by telling him that he has 2 bio dads-Dh and her boyfriend. She's a very sad person.
Re: the taxes.... Having a CO
Re: the taxes....
Having a CO state she has to sign an 8332 is great and all, and she may even comply and sign it. You may want to have something in there that states she has X amount of days (or, a certain DATE every year) by which she has to have it signed and returned to you. If not, she could hold out forever.
But do realize (and I'm speaking from experience because this happened to DH), BM would STILL claim SK even though she signed the 8332 every year (they have 2 kids, according to CO she claimed one, he claimed one). Because she was custodial, it was up to DH to RESUBMIT the documents to prove he had the signed 8332 and it was in the CO even though he was required to send the original 8332 when originally filing.
After a couple of years jumping thru these hoops (and a few well-versed phone call to the IRS) they finally nailed her to the wall.
BM over here claimed my SD
BM over here claimed my SD even though she was supposed to sign the 8332. And because DH paid a majority of the support, his divorce decree stated that he got to claim SD EVERY year, even though BM had full legal and physical custody.
DH had to take her to court for contempt. Judge told her to sign it or go to jail.
Tbh I think dh should've gone
Tbh I think dh should've gone to SS school conferences. I understand that every couple does things differently and that bm is whacko but by not going, he gave bm what she wanted-power.
I can see your side of this but I also think it would've gone a long way with the school for them to see him at the conferences. I'm glad you guys have found a way for everyone to go now. I think many bms (not all) make too big a deal of sms attending conferences. Unless it's a severe circumstance involving cheating or child abuse, I don't think its a big deal. I don't see lots of dads getting pissed off that sfs attend conferences.