I have been thinking something similar. In the big picture kind of way. Firstly, I am looking into wills and a postnup. We recently got married and with a 60% plus higher rate of divorce for second marriages, its something to think about. I went through Dh's first divorce, and it was super ugly. She used the children like a tool - to hurt and gouge. I want everything to be fair. I cannot really say how I would be as a BM, as I am unable to have children.

I really and truly feel that the BMs that we hear about here at Steptalk are a big part of the reason that we are here! The stories are all so similar. Toxic BM's breed toxic children. Toxic BM's breed toxic situations. Toxic and Crazy BM's create crazy effed up kids. And we wouldnt be here if things werent messed up. I certainly dont go on and on about all the positives in my life. Perhaps we should all include a post here and there about what is going RIGHT for us, instead of WRONG ALL THE TIME. 

But, I think about also, how I would be as a mother, and a BM who is separated or divorced from DH...looking at all the possible threads, even if its a thread that is no longer possible for me.

I am a BM! Me and my ex and his new wife all get along! Once DH came into the picture it was like all of our families were complete. It isn't that hard to put your own hurt aside and do what is best for your kids. As long as the man you procreated with is a good father- trust him to keep being a good father. If you have a child with a man that isn't a good father, well, that says a lot about you too I think, I picked a good dad for my kids. Things just didn't work between us. 

I've talked to my DH about this, on the off chance we ever split. I've told him I'll have nothing but good intentions for co-parenting our son, but he has to make sure: 

• Not to push his girlfriend or wife into a "mother" role that will end up with her resenting my son. His wife gets to build a relationship at her own pace, and if she doesn't want responsibility, she doesn't need to take responsibility. He is NOT to put off his parenting duties onto her. 
• His girlfriend or wife respects my place in my son's life and doesn't try to push me out. This goes without saying, but there will be no "i'm your new mommy" going on because he doesn't need that confusion. I will be heavily involved in raising him and she's more than welcome to be "stepmom" and have a loving relationship, that's it. 

As long as those two things are met, I have no problem co-parenting and being an easy to please BM lol 

Well, I have a bio son and while my ex is going more and more off the deep end making it less and less likely that he'll be able to find a stable partner - he has a .LOT of issues that make him not such a good partner - but someone might hook up with him someday. I am thankful that my son will be pretty much old enough to vote with his feet even if he found a new partner tomorrow. I know that my ex would not be able to protect him from a bad SM - probably wouldn't even notice it.

I doubt I'd be the crazy BM, but sure as shootin' I'm gonna protect my kid if I can. Still the possibilty of a new partner for my ex seems remote - but ya never know. I largely agree with SunshineX's comments, but my son is old enough to know who his mother is and he's navigating life with stepbrothers and a stepdad pretty well. He went into the idea of me having a new partner not so well - and largely I think because he didn't think he'd be accepted. We're only 18-19 months into our relationship and when my son was sick this weekend he laid his head on my partner's shoulder for comfort. We've come a long way from the boy who burst into tears when I told him I was seeing someone. My son is pretty self-reliant and knows how to keep out of his dad's way (sad though that is) but he is noisy and energetic and messy and so forth and soon will be smelly, too. Still I doubt a new partner would be dumped with much of his care. 

But here's the thing about divorce. No matter how sane and level headed you are - you will react in a way that will surprise you and not in a good way. At some point, at some time, your behaviour will dip below your own standards. Whether you choose to pick yourself up from that and carry on for the sake of the kids or you choose to dwell on the pain is entirely up to you. 

Long story but my former dh moved out of the country when DD was a baby. He was a jerk, and didn't hear until recently he had died. I didn't even know he was married until the wife contacted me. He was suppose to keep a life insurance in effect, pay alimony and other stuff I forgot about. I never bothered him plus he knew where we were, his poor choices. Apparently, in the QDRO I was to receive the pension for the duration of our marriage. He quit that company 1 year later. His wife was beside herself not understanding why I would receive it and I was the beneficary. Apparently it was in his will and his wife was to receive it. Well the company gave her the bad news and I now have the account. I think I was pretty decent not to enforce everything that was in our divorce order. I met someone and my daughter considers him to be her real dad. Considering we paid for just about everything I was a little shocked his wife was miffed about a small pension that was earned only during our marriage. So I think overall I've been a pretty decent BM.

My ex is an asshole and has poisoned his girlfriend to hate me too. I leave them so alone and to live their lives and parent our children how they see fit. I do not involve myself in their lives at all, like ever. We communicate like three times a year through email, never talk, and never see each other. I would have liked to have left him alone and communicated things through his girlfriend instead of him, but not after he was done. So we just all leave each other alone. 

My older sons stepmother was awesome. Unfortunately she is no longer with my sons father now but when she was I couldn't be more grateful on how wonderful she was to him. When he was with them she was the one that fed, clothed, did homework, and took him to school. I only know this because my son would tell me. She went above and beyond for him and treated him like he was her child. She helped me a great deal and I only wish there were more people like her. She also had children from previous relationships and just wanted everything to go smooth with no drama. We had many good conversations and I thanked her for being so good to him. My mind frame was that this woman was with my son so why treat her in a negative way if she's the one caring for him while my son is with them......

I haven't seen her in many years as she left my sons father but I hope she is well. I will be forever grateful for how well she treated my son. She is a person that restores faith in humanity that not all people, especially step mothers are evil.