Something different-refocusing.
You know, I didn't get a manual either. People always say-kids don't come with instructions-well-neither does step-parenting. If you've never been the type that fly by the seat of your pants, are faint of heart or have a problem with pie in the sky -then this gig isn't for you. There is no single "best practice" or even a compass and I don't aspire to provide one. My aspirations are much more simple-to describe the elephant in the room.
I'm a child of divorce. I know what it's like to have a parent that plays nothing but the most malignant kind of game. I say malignant, because these games are like cancer of the soul. Each passing day where you don't notice what you're doing or what you've done, the tumors of rejection grow. If you don't catch them soon enough, before you know it-they'll infect your entire soul. No one will know what to do. No one will know what to say. How do you cure something that's intangible? Something that you can't see? I was one of the lucky ones- I survived. You see I had someone who knew just what to do-it came so naturally to him in fact, I'm sure he wasn't even aware that he was doing it-he continues to do it to this day. He doesn't have fancy credentials, you'll never read about him in a parenting magazine, there no letters after his name-he is simply Chuckie, my Step Dad. And he's my inspiration. My inspiration to be the best step parent I can be.
I was 14 when my Dad left. And by left I mean, my life. He didn't leave our fancy house or his cars or anything but my sister, my mom and myself-kind of like what's happening to my step son now. His mom hasn't left-she still lives her party-possibly prostitute lifestyle and they never had a stable home because she can't keep a job or a relationship or even a fish. But she's leaving his life-I can see it. I know the signs all too well.
The stories I hear, the lies she tells, not just to me and boyfriend, but my Step Son resonate with me. They make me angry. But it's more than that-they open closed wounds. My Step Son handles it with all the grace in the world-he's used to it I guess. That makes me sad. Sad isn't even a strong enough word-devastated, confused, bewildered. I ask myself if she sees what a beautiful child she's created and I pray that he knows what an amazingly strong, smart, creative child he is. I also pray that he knows how loved he is. I aspire to fill that gap for him-even though I know it's impossible. But I have hope you see-because once upon a time, my Step Dad did it for me.
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^^^^^^^^^ I agree with this
^^^^^^^^^ I agree with this ^^^^^^^
A stepmother who may even love the step kids ends up being the scapegoat for any issues in the family. A stepfather is often seen as being a positive addition because he helps out financially, because he is there. The stepmother is often seen as being a negative addition.
I am not saying to not love the kid or want the best for him, but please guard yourself so you are not hurt.
That's a very unique
That's a very unique perspective StepAside, I really hadn't thought about it like that before, but you're right the roles are different parts of the same elephant. I want BM to love SS like he deserves and if that makes me the scapegoat-my skin is thick at this point and it would suck, but I've seen worse. And as naive as that statement is, I won't love him any less when it does happen-I broke my mom and step dad up when they first started seeing each other regularly because I didn't want to accept my parent's divorce. What made me change my mind was when my step dad told my mom that I "had enough going on right now and he didn't want to add to it." That was the first time I was put first by any man-then after he bribed me with chocolate, I was okay with him (which for the type of teenager I was-outspoken, brutally honest even when it was uncalled for is a miracle in and of itself) He'll grow up someday and I can only hope he sees that he is loved despite all else. It wasn't until I had been with SO for about 6 months that I realized all that man did for me-10 years later.
I wonder how SS perceives all of this, and the more time she blows him off the more mouthy/disrespectful he gets with me. SO won't have it, and it doesn't matter he won't have it, neither will I, SS lives in MY home and I will not be made uncomfortable there. I remind SS-quite regularly lately that whispering under his breath after I ask him to do something is incredibly rude and disrespectful-it definitely hurts when he does it but I'm of the belief if you have something to day you'd best say it loud enough for me to hear. I don't yell, I just very matter of factly make statements and he looks at me like a deer in the headlights every time. We talk about it afterwards because I feel like a gigantadouche, but he told me a few months back that he appreciates that we don't yell at him. Me and my family yell at each other, but that's the way it's always been and I'm of strict belief that if children don't see adults disagree and then come to a resolution, then they will never know how to have a healthy disagreement. Last night we fought about politics for an hour. We're just loud passionate people. I had to explain to SS that when that happens we're not always "fighting" we just get worked up. Especially when my Step-Dad says hes going to vote Trump (he's not even registered to vote-I looked it up during NY primaries :P).
Anyway I'm off topic, but StepAside & Snowflake-thanks for looking out for me and giving me some perspective.