It's been a glorious 3 months and then BMonster rears her giant forehead.....
So BM hasn't seen and barely spoken to SS since before our Child Support hearing back at the end of August. She picked SS up for a couple of days and bought him all these school clothes thinking that would somehow save her from paying any child support.
Well she was wrong, left court in a huff and has yet to pay a dime. She currently owe over $500 and Support Collection has informed us that they are going to start garnishing her wages. Woop.
Well, the night before last, SS12 voiced to SO how mad he is at his mother. SO told SS he could call BM, see if she was around this weekend and feel free to express his displeasure. SS came home from school yesterday and asked to call BM.
SS has a 3 day weekend this weekend for Superintendent's Day on Friday. He will be home alone for the majority of the day. He likes to be home alone-it's never been an issue.
BD3 has an ophthalmology appointment with a child eye specialist an hour and half away. This appointment has been scheduled since January and is a follow up to see if the glasses are fixing the problem or if surgery is necessary. Needless to say, a toddler with glasses is not easy. They have been lost for 2 weeks before I finally found them (after looking everywhere but under MY bed apparently) and then another 3 weeks when she threw a fit in the drive thru at the bank thinking it was Dunkin' Donuts and popped out a lens which then disappeared somewhere in my car (I had to re-order an $80 lens). So needless to say, I have noticed that her "lazy eye" was a little more floaty after each of these instances and I'm afraid he's not going to be overly happy about her progress and I'm really not loving the fact that surgery is on the table to correct it.
So, SS calls BM and as always, without speaking to SO or myself, she tells SS she will see if he can go to his Aunt's (her sister) on Friday. I have a number of gripes with this:
1st of all, your sister is not your proxy you stupid skank. BM's sister is actually in the middle of a nasty divorce and has been a hot mess. How do I know? Guess who she calls to tell me how impressed she is with SS's report card, find out how he is doing and "vent"? Not BM. Because BM doesn't know or care.
2nd I don't give a flying fart in space how long it has been since she's seen him, she is not picking him at my house without SO or I there period.
3rd and this one really surprises me not at all, we have plans, we aren't changing them for her-ever. You don't ask, you don't get factored into my list of to-do's for the day and NO I am NOT dropping SS off.
SS relays this information to me about possibly going to Aunt's on Friday. I tell him that BD has a doctor's appointment that has been planned since January and I'm not changing it to accommodate BM. I told him if she calls SO or I we will discuss plans this weekend. If she doesn't, then there is nothing I can do about it. He wasn't very happy about this.
This afternoon he comes home and it goes something like this:
SS: "Aunt is staying with *elderly Uncle* so that'll be nice to see him".
MD: Yeah I'm sure it would, that is, if Aunt can take you, I haven't heard anything from BM and I'm not going to be home tomorrow, so maybe you can go on Saturday if Aunt can actually take you.
SS: Well Mom really wanted me for the WHOLE weekend. (here we go)
MD: Well by the sounds of it Mom isn't going to available the WHOLE weekend. We don't even know if she's going to be available SOME of the weekend because she hasn't talked to anyone besides you. In fact, we don't even know if Aunt CAN take you this weekend. All of that is second to the fact that your sister has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so going tomorrow is not an option.
SS: *Gives me evil glare*
MD: Look dude it is not my fault that your Mom makes promises she can't keep. I am also not going to cancel your sister's DOCTOR'S appointment that has been planned since JANUARY because she decided on a whim that your Aunt can take you this weekend without even knowing if your Aunt is going to be around. This isn't on me, you want to give dirty looks I'll facetime her for you.
*Door Slams*
Not in this house. Not ever. I called SO and SS is SOOOO freaking lucky his door is not coming off. He is grounded from electronics and is allowed to sit at the kitchen table and do his workbook activities from school. Bedtime is now 7:30 immediately after dinner.
I have a very good relationship with SS. We are FINE 98% of the time. I am done being blamed for not dropping everything for this ho when she decides she wants to play mommy-sort of. I do the laundry, I do the paperwork, I do the IEP meetings, I do the OPWDD meetings, I make lunches and breakfast and teach chores and responsibility. I. Do. Everything. I really hope SS enjoys SO's dreadfully long lecture this evening (they're so long and boring I don't even try to sit through them anymore). He really t'd me off this afternoon.
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Since the issue only seems to
Since the issue only seems to come up when it comes to him seeing his mom I'd leave that to his dad completely.
Don't discuss it with him at all. Don't talk about why or why not it will happen.
"That's nice dear, talk to your dad."
To his face you say: “well
To his face you say: “well maybe...I’ll talk about it with your Dad”
To his dad you say: “F no!”
You did the right thing, I
You did the right thing, I would not leave this to Dad to handle seeing Dad is not there...
You basically should've made it less complicated and told SS... kiddo, in this house adults arrange visits etc, not children, thus if your mother can not speak to another adult in this house I guess she's not being serious.
I would also not allow him to go, what's the point in visiting BM if she's not around? Aunt is already living with Uncle... the house is full sorry, will not let my kid go there at all.
Got to be super painful for
Got to be super painful for the kid the whole situation. And the conversation you are recounting likely feels like you are rubbing salt into the wounds for him hence the dirty looks. Sometimes to keep the kid from hurting worse in a situation that was not their choosing (a crappy bparent and the whole divorce/blended things) the bioparent will put themselves out even when they don't 'have' to. Such as a simple call or text from your dh to his x 'son states you have arrangements set to spend the weekend with him', please let get back by this date and time to confirm.
Unfortunately this happens so
Unfortunately this happens so often there is no more sugar coating it as per his counselor. We were constantly taking the heat for these antics and we were told that we need to make sure that SS knows he doesn't not see her because of us. He doesn't see her because of her. She was calling amd making plans and then not following up, or coming to see him and then telling him we weren't letting him go. We only said "no" once and he was with GBM and GBM did not want SS going to BM's apartment which is a glorified drug house-but she didn't want to tell BM no herself. This weekend she again, no call no showed. We have tried confirming times with her and it doesn't matter. In fact GBM told us not to do that so she doesn't make MORE plans she doesn't intend of following through on. There's a big difference between explaining to SS that we as a family are not dropping everything for BM's fantasy plans because that's all they are and rubbing salt in a wound. I wasn't mean to him, I just reminded him there are a lot of lose ends, she has not contacted SO or I to make good on the plans and another family member has something important going on that BM never asked about. Are they complicated reasons? Yes. But he's a smart boy and I wouldn't tell him if I wasn't trying to stop him from putting all his eggs into that basket only to be disappointed. I've spent enough time watching him stand by the door for an hour waiting for her to show up just for a "I got called Ito work" or better yet no excuse at all. SO has told him over and over again not to count on it until she's in the drive way. She also won't stop blowing him off after promising to see him despite us making every attempt in the book to stop it-even monitoring phone calls, making her commit to plans and she hasn't stopped this. She's torturing him.
We can't feed into unrealistic expectations because the were enabling this behavior by "making it all okay" while SO and I get run ragged constantly changing or not being able to male plans ourselves thinking she's going to show up or meet us somewhere just to not show up. SO drove SS 45 minutes to meet her at a designated place and time and her phone went raduo silent for 3 days. Been there done that. I will not be made the bad guy because I didn't hop to when this ho lied to SS to get him off her case and didn't care enough to make good on her promises. Sorry but that's exactly what she does.
The worst part is that SS knows she does this and he knows he shouldn't get his hopes up. But he does anyway and then SO or lately I get a boatload of attitude because his mom is a jerk. I get the kid is upset and he has every right to be upset but that doesn't make it okay to take it out on other people and that's exactly what that conversation was. We can't teach him to set boundaries with her if we just tell him "sorry buddy better luck next time." When we know 1 out of 100 times she'll come through. It's setting him for more disappointment that he isn't old enough to channel in the proper direction. I tell him his mother loves him and being an adult is confusing all the time. But that's the extent of it. The rest-it's what he makes it.
And in the event she does get him, 9 times out of 10 she spends 2-3 hours with him and drops him off at her sister's for the reminder of the weekend until her sister calls us to pick him up. But you'd best believe in those 2-3 hours she uploads pics to FB and #momlife
The only thing we can think to do is tell him the basic facts without opinion or over involving him in these issues but it's pretty hard to do when she promises him she's going to do something over and over and over again. It's been a year and half of this.