Off topic but could use advice.
Off topic but could use advice....
I'm expecting my first child in 5 weeks, this will be my mothers first grandchild. My mother and I have a very strained relationship. I left when I was 18 and put myself through college, she was very bipolar groaning up and I needed to get out of there. She exposed me to show much crazy as a child; wondering if there was going to be food on the table, dating abusive bf after bf. she let my younger sister and her BF live in the house rent and bill free. My sister is 24, and my mother still pays her car insurance and cell phone.
My mother decided to pack up and move cross country half way through my pregnancy. She promise to fly home for my baby shower, when the baby was born, and for her garage sale. Once she got down there she called and said she was only coming home now for the baby shower and garage sale.
She will be home for the baby shower for a whole week and is only planning to stay with my sister. She is flying home for the garage sale on fathers day weekend and expects me to drive to her house with a newborn so she can see him. But does not plan to come to my house at all.
I've had it out with her on this many of times about how I feel, but she just don't get it. Should I just fake sick and not show up? This will mean she won't meet her grandson and who knows when she will come home again. But I'm ready to call it quits with her.
Ugh what to do?
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Comments
You deserve better treatment
You deserve better treatment than you are getting so stop allowing people to treat you badly. Tell your mother that you really want her to see the baby but you do not think you will be up to traveling at that time. If she doesn't make it a priority to see him, then put her at the same priority level she is putting you. If you happen to be in her area and you want to visit, fine. Otherwise it's her loss.
And if she's starts acting crazy, tell her you need to focus on you right now and suggest she see her mental health care provider for assistance.
I think you should invite her
I think you should invite her over to come see you and the baby, maybe even your sister as well if your mom won't have transportation at the time.
Having a newborn is hard work, and it's hard on your body, you need to heal and not deal with stress. Don't inconvenience yourself to "do the right thing" for your child at your own emotional expense. It would be much different if your child were old enough to remember.
This is coming from someone with a very difficult family and upbringing. If you and your child aren't a priority for her, don't go out of your way to make her a priority for you.
I have invited her over along
I have invited her over along with my sister or grandma. This way she has no excuse for transportation. At one point she said she would come down for a few days. This is when we were feuding. Now that we are on okay terms, she said she was too busy to come.
She told me to come see her. When I said I wasn't comfortable traveling with a newborn and without my husband for help. She said that she did it as a single mother so i would be just fine.
This will also be in June and her house has no air conditioning. We live in an area where the climate gets extremely hot and humid.
My mom was/is a lot like
My mom was/is a lot like yours. I've finally (age 40) started to accept that this is the best she can do. If she shows up, I make her welcome, but I won't bend over backwards to make it happen like I used to do.
For me, one thing that changed was having a baby. Around the same time as I had my baby, my mom's bad behaviour flared up. I had talked to her about this stuff as it was predictable - during periods she finds stressful, her bad behaviour comes up more. So before the baby came we made certain agreements, which would protect me from her crap. Ofc, she couldn't keep her word because she's too selfish - what she wants NOW is always the only priority that matters. I'm not even angry anymore, I just accept that I can't rely on her the way I want to. It's nice that I want to, and I know I will be reliable for my own child. It's also sad that my mom will never be the mom I actually need(ed) her to be. But I was losing sleep trying to figure out what I needed to do so that she could be a great mom to me. When it was never, for one second, about me.
In this situation, if she comes, great. If not, also great. Don't plan or count on it and don't be disappointed.