I told the kids their mom was rude today.
It totally slipped out. She has started suggesting things for the kids to watch on tv while they are here on our weekends. She has done this several times already, knowing that we don't watch tv very often. Even when the kids aren't here we aren't big into tv shows. We love our DVR!!!
Anyway, ss6 started complaining about something on tv. He didn't even know channel or the specifics of the show, but knew it started at a certain time. In passing I said how do you even know about it - he said mommy told me to watch it. Before I even thought I said that she wasn't allowed to tell us what to do at our house and that it was rude to do so. I said that she doesn't get to tell us what to do with our time - that we already had other plans(which we did)
oops! I everyone's mouth dropped open, but I barely registered it as I was down the hall before I realized what I said. I try really hard not to say bad things about her to them or even before they are in bed at night because I don't want them to hear any badmouthing. This is the type circumstance that I just can't help calling a spade a spade.
I haven't heard anything about it from my fiance yet, but I think he might have wished I hadn't said anything. Oh well, some things need to be said.
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Comments
You know...
Sometimes you have to speak up, otherwise these children won't know any better and will think that it's perfectly okay to go through life dictating to others- because it's what Mom always did.
I myself have often spoken up when I just had enough of BM's grandstanding. But often, I explain it to the kids on their level, and explain a situation that is not directly related to their mom, but the often get the message. While they themselves, can not control their mother's behavior, sometimes the slightest comment will make them realize, "Oh, now I understand."
Just recently, we've been encountering SS's BM calling here every week during our time, to announce some new toy they got to him, and at first I thought it was merely to gleefully talk to SS and share with him. But, it's been week after week, and now I have no doubt in my mind that it's basically an attempt to rain on our parade, all the while to look like the 'cool parent'- the better parent in effort to win favor in her son's eyes. BM is after all, very very insecure, and is always in competition. Well, I have to tell you... it happens one more time, I'm going to speak up to SS (on his level, indirectly involving his mother, etc.) that that is the most rudest behavior you can do. It's called bragging, and how would he like it when a buddy at school brags about all his toys to him? And like wise, if he went around bragging at school, how would his friends respond to him? So that, in essence, is what his mother is doing.
So, basically, I've learned to make these annoyances a life lesson for the kids... because no one else is going to.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
d
d
Rules
Do you remember when you were in school and had a substitute teacher? Kids used to always try to get something over on the "new" teacher by saying Mrs. Number 1 Teacher lets us do this. Most of the time the "new" teacher would respond "I'm not Mrs. Number 1 Teacher."
Sometimes you have to explain the rules. (If you never explain the rules how will children know what is right/wrong or what is expected of them??) Which includes explaining that the rules at BM's home may be different than rules at your home. Also you have to go by that old substitute teacher saying above---"This is not BM's house, this is our home. While you are at our home you must abide by our rules." You have to explain this on the child's comprehension level.
It may take time for the child to completely understand that there are different rules at each home. I feel certain that once the realization kicks in then they will understand.
I understand that the comments you made were not willingly meant to hurt the children or their BM. However, one thing I don't suggest is willingly "bashing" their mother. Although you may have your opinion that you can share with your DH, it's not always wise to make the children privy to that adult opinion. Later on they might actually start resenting you for these "opinions."
don't worry - I take great
don't worry - I take great pains to never let them hear what I really think of their mother. I am always polite while in her presence, going so far as to invite her in the door when she came to our house once (even though she literally screamed at my fiance and me to get out of her house when the children invited in to see their rooms - yes the kids were standing there)
Most of our discussions about her and her behavior occur when the children are in bed asleep at night or when they aren't even here at all. We never say anything bad about her, but we do comment on some of her behaviors when the kids bring it up to us. i.e. we have them certain days of the week and this summer they stayed at home with me during the day on our days. Without fail, every morning on the day we switched they asked why they had to go to daycare when she was just going to be at work and they were already at out house. We simply told them that it was her day and she wanted them to go to daycare, not stay at our house until she got off work. We are honest and give them age appropriate info.
I was a less tactful than usual in the instance of saying it was rude. Usually I would leave it at "We make the decisions about what we do at this house" my fiance and I do both think it is rude for her to put ideas into their heads about things that she knows we probably won't do here. I see that as an attempt to make daddy the bad guy when he tells them no. I wish I had been more tactful, but blunt honesty comes much more easily to me. He didn't have a problem with me saying it, so I won't feel bad about it. I have a feeling he would have said something very similar but I beat him to it. We think alike that way.
Honesty is the best policy
Yep, I know what you mean about being honest with the kids. When I first moved in with my husband I watched him try to skirt around the truth by telling my SD certain things. I finally told him that you need to be upfront and honest with SD. Both parents were skirting around the truth by just not answering questions SD had. DH would request that SD ask her BM about certain things (such as no visitation).
A change in him occurred after I was pickin SD up most of the time (mainly from school). SD would hop in the car & ask if she was spending the night (or staying longer) with us. I would have to point blank tell her "no." SD would get extremely upset, sometimes to the point of all out crying. Then came the questions from her "why not," etc. So honesty is the best policy right? I told her that we would love to have her stay with us longer---that we had asked her mommy, but mommy had said no. To tell you the truth I really didn't know what else to say to SD. I didn't want to make her BM out to be the bad guy but I didn't want SD to think we didn't want her there.
Out of all of this (not being able to spend more time with us) came my SD asking her BM constantly to spend more time over at our home. Unfortunately SD would either get ignored completely by BM (to the point SD had to almost yell because SD didn't think BM could hear her) or BM would tell SD to "wait & see" or "ask daddy." That was lots of fun when SD would ask DH if she could stay longer even though BM had already said "no." DH told BM (several times) that if SD asks to spend more time with us then BM needed to be honest with SD about everything. Thus BM needed to advise SD of BM's wishes not throw the problem on us like we had refused SD.
Anywho---I went way off on that tangent, didn't I? Sorry.