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Step daughters, rooms, behaviour

lucija's picture

my step daughters are 17stb18, 14stb15 and 9.
They live with DH and go visit BM.

We have a big house and the upper floor is all theirs. Now the thing is I moved into his house that he inherited from his very rich grandfather but it wasn't always like this. When BM was married to DH, all house was DH's and BM's and the girls had rooms for themselves. Now DH and I aren't "allowed" to go up there. Well DH doesn't want to so he gave them the whole floor to use,while I would want to use that floor too because it could be much more useful than what they use it for, but he thinks it's alright that it stays theirs. So basically I am not allowed up there because they don't want it and he thinks that wish should be respected.

Now there are 6 rooms there and they only need 3, of course. But they get 6 rooms and their own bathrooms, each. and a little kitchen. While BM and DH were married they used the remaining 3 rooms but when they divorced Sds took over and it's all theirs now.

That whole floor is a mess, the huge space is unused and the older two girls barely have any contact with their father,let alone me.
There's a door and stairs from outside so they don't even pass through our floor at times.

they generally ignore me, and act respectful to their father but in the end actually ignore what he said and go for what they want.
He doesn't see that anything should be fixed.

For example, SD14 is going out. they're talking about how long can she stay out and he says you can stay till 22:30.. and she's like OK. But when she's going out the door, she says ''I'll be back at 23:30" and he says fine. He doesn't even mind.

I think he should have a stronger grip on her but he doesn't. He thinks that the freedom he gives her is alright and that nothing needs to be changed.

But they are often disrespectful in a kind of hidden way and it's bothering me. ofc the older two are the bigger problem..

husband and i have a baby, and it's in our room now. there's this little "closet" thing in our room that we use for baby but it's getting crowded and there's unused space on the upper floor. yet dh thinks that baby doesn't need its own room until it grows a bit. but it's all crowded. Our room is not even that big and it's filled with our stuff. and now the baby's bassinet and nothing else can fit in there, so we store baby's things in that closet thingy.. but it's really small, only one person can fit in there at a time.
dh doesn't even think of taking one of SD's rooms (6 rooms, 3 girls) for baby.

SDs completely ignore baby, but COMPLETELY. like it doesn't exist. when dh tries to talk to them about the baby, they don't want to. even small talk, like not a serious discussion - if baby is mentioned, they're out.
if someone asks them about the baby, they say "do you really think i know" or "do you really think i care" or even "don't know, don't care", or "me knowing that? don't count on it".

and there's more stuff,but this is the basics.

What would you suggest?

Comments

lucija's picture

They abide by DH's rules, i'm tehnically disengaged. they can do whatever they want because their father lets them. he doesn't have a problem with that.

I'm not OK with it at all but my husband thinks their way of living is alright. and he says they do have rules. well they do. rules that are like.. basics that every human in the functioning society has, just because. don't kill, don't steal, don't harm people unless self defence.
and one more - to have good grades,to pay attention to future - go to college ,etc. but not much more than that.
and they do follow those rules. they don't have any others.

they have their own door,yes. and they don't need to sneak out, he lets them go wherever they want to go. he even drives.
i think SD18 is on the pill but not sure - kinda disengaged.

lucija's picture

Their behaviour towards the baby is obnoxious to me too but unfortunately i cant change it.

well maybe she'll move out in 2 years and maybe in 4. that depends on how soon they can get her an apartment they want for her. though he says that even once they move out they can always come back home or visit whenever they want to. "it's still their home", he says.

Anne Boleyn's picture

It is also YOUR home and your baby's home but there is no consideration for your needs or feelings. I'd be having a very serious chat with him that one of those rooms upstairs WILL become a proper nursery for your precious baby ASAP.

Anne Boleyn's picture

So what are you going to do? Let your baby live in your room until the 9 year old goes to college? Stand up for yourself! This shouldn't be a request. This is a demand. Why are you letting them treat you this way?

lucija's picture

well i dont know. what can ido?

i talked to him,but he doesnt agree. no use in "demanding", if he doesnt think it should be done.

well what can i do to not let them do so ?

Anne Boleyn's picture

I think you're being a doormat. I know it can be hard for some people but you really need to stand up for yourself. You need to tell him that this is also your house now and you have the right to make decisions about it too. Ask him to explain why his first three kids are treated better than your baby. I would simply tell him (not ask) that you will be turning one of those three rooms into a nursery for your baby and DO it.

lucija's picture

yeah but its his house too,and he inherited it ,before he married me. and if its my house ALSO i cant make decisions on my own. it has to be together and if he doesnt agree..
.
he says that it would be unfair to force one of the girls out of her room,he says that they shouldn't have to be sacrificed for anyone's sake and also that we would have to choose whose room we take and how would we explain that..
i cant do that,if he doesnt agree he can change it right back. plus, how would i get all the things out of the room? i cant do it on my own. nor can i bring all the stuff on my own or put it together. and even if i tried,how would the SD react? they could make a huge ass drama especially if my husband isnt up for this.

Anne Boleyn's picture

The kids have TWO rooms each and your child has no room. That's insane. I would tell him to be fair that the kids will have one room each. The other two rooms become guest rooms.

But stop ASKING him. TELL him this needs to happen. Explain it nicely and calmly but seriously tell him that is entirely unfair his kids have two rooms each and you and the baby are being slighted. You have a lot more power than you think you do. I certainly wouldn't be having sex with someone who ignored my child's and my needs the way he is. You need to woman up here.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Well, you can't have guests even if you wanted to because his precious snowflakes each need TWO freaking bedrooms.

I am getting a little irritated at this point. You ask for advice but don't like what anyone is telling you and you just keep making excuses. People can't treat you badly unless you let them. They (your husband too) are being horrible to you and your baby and you are being a doormat. It's up to you if you want to stay a doormat. But don't ask for advice on how to change it.

lucija's picture

i just told you i cant do something I want and no one else does. that just wouldnt go like that.

Anne Boleyn's picture

You came for advice and don't want to take any. So stop whining and let your baby live in a closet for 9 more years when the youngest SK may or may not move out of her bedrooms.

lucija's picture

im not taking your advice of just demanding it because how would that work. that doesnt mean not taking ANY.
i will whine if i want to, it's a venting site after all. if you have a problem with it it just dont read it.

Lalena75's picture

If your legally married legally half that house is yours likely. Stop discussing and just go turn a room into a nursery fuck everyone elses fee fees do what you need for you and your baby and when the whining starts tell him/them your taking care of your priorities and there is no discussion here. Ignore complaints after just like your needs are being ignored and disregarded no more doormat.

lucija's picture

no, he had it before marriage so its not half mine.

so what if they all decide to fuck MY fee fees and just take the room right back? or something?
if i can do it so can they and that becomes a problem.

Anne Boleyn's picture

I am not sure where you live but here you would be gaining equity in the house starting the day you were married.

lucija's picture

what is acquired before marriage is just his and just mine,and what is acquired during the marriage is marital property and divided in half

Anne Boleyn's picture

I don't think he'd EVER agree to move out of an inherited huge house.

But I do agree with you that I would never move into a family's home. My guy was living in a rented home and he wanted me to move in there. First, the house was too small. But I told him I didn't want to be moving into their home and fitting my stuff in around them. I wanted our own home. The kids would have never made space for me and my needs because they would've seen it like I was stepping into their territory. I am very glad we got a different house where I could decide what went where, whose room was whose, etc...

Anne Boleyn's picture

A friend of mine at the office fell in love with a widower with grown kids. She'd known him when his wife was alive through church. I started dating FDH about the same time she started dating him so we've swapped notes a few times since we've moved in with our guys. (I work from home now so don't see her much-- only on my rare office visits. She rushes to see me each time though!)

She moved in to his home. She was renting so sort of made sense. But the problem was that the adult kids very much missed their recently deceased mom and thought he moved on too fast. So poor lady was sort of doomed. Of course, her first order of business was to make that house HER home too. Woa boy the kids did NOT like that. And of course, they expect her to carry on their family traditions at holidays etc and not incorporate her own. I really feel for her. The BM in her case was elevated to angel status and she is the woman who moved in and took their daddeeee too early.

lucija's picture

Moving would be terribly expensive,plus the huge house would remain unused but still would have to be kept.. it'd be spending money we dont really have and very unpractical. no one would buy this house and we couldn't buy a new one,either..

lucija's picture

Well I suppose, because the older girls were in their parents' room till they were like 8.
14 and 9...ofc not soon.

moving out would be very hard

Anne Boleyn's picture

I would simply say "I don't feel comfortable ever having sex in the room my baby sleeps in" and live by it. Problem solved.

Anne Boleyn's picture

The real problem is that she's letting him treat her like crap and has every excuse in the book why she can't stand up to him. I am sure the next thing will be "I can't leave him because XYZ". The fact is, she just wants to complain and not do anything. We can't waive a wand here and change her shitty husband and skids.

Anne Boleyn's picture

My guy used to let YSD sleep in his room when I wasn't there. I finally said "I don't feel comfortable having sex in a bed where your little kid was just sleeping last night". He stopped letting her sleep in the bed.

I would assume that your husband will want to have sex with you. If you won't do it in the shared room, he will make sure that baby has a room.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Same here. I thought I'd taken a lot of shit but NO WAY would this EVER happen in my home.

Anne Boleyn's picture

I am sure a judge would love to hear "We lived in a mansion where his 3 first kids had two bedrooms each but my my baby had to live in a closet". Seriously,this is so insane I am starting to wonder if I am Candid Steptalk.

Anne Boleyn's picture

This one is driving me bonkers. I started off by feeling awful for her then realized with each response that she was just not planning to do shit about it. Then I started to wonder why. It's bad enough that she won't stand up for herself but she won't stand up for her kid. I am starting to wonder how much more emotional and possible physical abuse is going on here. This is really sad and concerning.

Anne Boleyn's picture

It would be so awful for the poor little kids' feelings if they couldn't have TWO bedrooms in their fucking mansion with it's own second floor exit and kitchen. I just can't.

Anne Boleyn's picture

She's lucky she has a closet. Otherwise the baby might have to live next to the fucking toilet.

Anne Boleyn's picture

LOL. And her response would be "But what can I do about it? It's HIS house and he thinks the cat should be able to shit next to the baby's head. Stuck here. Any advice?"

Anne Boleyn's picture

And to be fair, I feel like I am kicking her when she's down/ preying on the weak. I am seriously just hoping she wakes up and realizes how absurd this is and DOES something about it.

oldone's picture

So this person chooses to live with an ahole who treats her and her baby like crap. She doesn't care enough to take any action to get her butt out of a bad situation so it must not be that bad for her.

Anne Boleyn's picture

On one hand I feel that way. On the other, I know that years of emotional and/or physical abuse can turn normal women completely brainwashed and helpless. I am not sure what the situation is here. But either way, it makes me sad and angry. I really hope she gets the help she needs and that perhaps our responses are a wake up call for her. Sometimes people need to be throttled into seeing what's happening around them is not normal. This is an extreme case and I can't help but want to fly to wherever she is and shake her and hug her and help her and that poor baby get out of this abusive (by all 4 home occupants) situation. Of course, I can't help other than to provide my time giving my perspective. But it's so hard to watch someone get walked on and see her do nothing about it and make excuses why she can't. I wish we really knew the bigger story but I think this baby bed thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

new to this's picture

What exactly can you do on your own? Nothing apparently, hubby has to agree before you can go take up for yourself and your child?? That's just bull crap. What kind of family did you come from? I don't think I have ever read any posts on here from someone as passive as you are. I mean really, if you can't take up for yourself at least take up for your baby.

Meh's picture

I'm reading this thread and can't help wondering where the OP lives....sounds like a non-western culture. I could be wrong, and no insult intended, but something seems off here. Like a cultural difference type situation, cause it's just not making sense to me.

I hope you don't mind my mentioning this lucija, like I said, no insult intended. I'm just confused as hell reading about your situation.