Ding ding ding - we HAVE a winner.... the "I still love her" call
blog is in comments as this is my third attempt and the damned thing will not post.
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blog is in comments as this is my third attempt and the damned thing will not post.
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Came today - only it was to
Came today - only it was to my mother....
Ok - so yes I am blogging a lot, consider this my record for future reference if needed.
Get a text from my mother as I am driving to the school to pick up kids.
"EX-OH rang me to ask me to let you know he has paid the mortgage and will continue to pay until court or you decide what to do with house. I told him you hadn't got that far. I also suggested perhaps you could buy him out. I told him feel free to ring anytime with messages for you."
Then a few minutes later she sends another one...
"He did say he loves you by the way Luchay... also that he doesn't own your car or all of the house so that was something wasn't it."
So I had a little cry because feelings are what they are and of course I still love the damned man, and hearing that did make me hurt.
Then I put the brain into gear.... Smiling Because I may be blonde but I am not stupid. After his behaviour yesterday something smells.
When I got to the school I called her and asked her to tell me about the conversation.
So, he called to say that he had paid the mortgage and I didn't need to worry about it he would keep paying til we went back to court or something was decided. He was sorry about his behaviour yesterday, he was just angry. He still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. They talked a bit about my plans/thoughts re the house, she was cagey - bless her. He talked about buying me out and named a price. She said I could always buy him out instead. He said "what and SHE would get to stay in the house?" then followed with "how would she pay the mortgage" My mother said "oh she has some ideas but we have nothing really sorted yet."
Ummmm they discussed if we put it on the market how much work is needed (both had angles here - hers was to drive down the price I would buy him out for, his will become clear)
He said "yes, it needs a lot of work and I could be starting on that while we are waiting - but if she goes through with this order where I cannot come within 200m of the house for the next 12 months I can't fix anything!!" And BINGO! We have a winner.
So. My take on all this. He has probably seen a lawyer and been hauled over the coals for his stupidity yesterday - he is backpeddling to butter me up with two ends in mine - that I don't get him charged with breaching the order, and so that I am lulled into a false sense of security and go to court unprepared so he can win everything.
He wants to keep paying the mortgage on his own to show "see your honour, even when I didn't live there because she took out this bogus intervention order on me *I* kept paying the mortgage!"
I told her to message him that I said thanks for paying it all today and that I appreciate his offer but that from next week onwards we would pay half each.
He said ok, he would text her his new account details and I could pay there and it would all be debited from his account.
She said NO, that I would pay my share directly. He took that to mean into our old joint acct (where the auto pay is set up from) He said that's fine I'll just transfer it over.
She said NO, she will pay it directly to ----- the mortgage company (I found the acct details on the bank statements - amazing what a bit of middle of the night, can't sleep scrounging will do - we only get one statement every six months so I had to look a while to find it. I also packed up a LOT of his stuff....)
The last bit I think proves my theory.
So - I will continue to gather my resources around me and plan for battle - if I am wrong no harm done and if I am right I will be prepared.
Then driving home from my last job at about 6.30pm I get a really strange "harassing" call from some teenaged girls. One actually named herself as "Jess" and said some other nasty and strange stuff - I guess there idea of stuff that would scare me.
Only they were a bit stupid - firstly to use her own name and secondly not to block the callers number.
So I called straight back and she answered then realised it was me and hung up.
I am not stupid (again!) And - now I know a few of you may not agree with what I did here, but it seemed the best way for now.
I called EX-OH and at first he was wary - I said I don't want to get into anything with you, I just had a strange call and I need to ask you two questions then you decide what you are going to do about it. Firstly does SD14 have any friends called "jess" and do you know this number?"
He said he didn't know to either. I explained the situation and said there is NO doubt in my mind it was SD and her mate trying to get at me. That I was calling HIM first and once only - to give him the chance to deal with her and she not get into trouble with the police, but that if it ever happened again I would be going straight to the police, so he needed to step up and deal because I was serious.
A few minutes later I get a call from "jess mother" claiming they didn't know SD and that her daughter was just doing the random calling strangers with crazy stuff "joke" and she had been punished and grounded and she was really sorry and and and.
She sounded really nervous and stressed.
I told her I didn't believe for a second that SD wasn't involved, I knew Ex had called her, and that her and her daughter needed to understand how serious this was - that HE could be put in jail for what her daughter and SD did. And that next time it happened I was calling the police first this was there one and only warning so she needed to make sure her daughter lost my number and NEVER contacted me again.
So, that was my day.
I feel proud of myself for how I handled both matters. Contrary to popular belief I do not want SD to get into trouble, I want what I have always wanted for her - for her bloody parents to step up and PARENT her. Teach her and discipline her, and get to actually KNOW her and talk to her and listen to her, and help her with her diet so she doesn't have heart disease and high cholesterol and diabetes and blocked arteries by the time she's 20. I want them to step up and help her learn how to deal with things (her feelings) properly instead of the way she does now, to teach her that manipulating people is bad. Meh - not my problem anymore.
Anyway, I am happy that although I did allow myself an "HE STILL LOVES ME" moment I did not let that rule and was still able to think through the WHY/WHAT etc and see it without the rose coloured glasses
Yes, it is, well sort of -
Yes, it is, well sort of - not sure about him contacting other people - he can't have other people contact me - I guess that's the same thing though isn't it LOL
Don't mind me....
Luchay- You need to realize
Luchay- You need to realize that YOU are breaking your own order by communicating with him, even through a third party. STOP. No communication AT ALL.
If you are in the US, do you realize that when YOU break the restraining order, that if he can show that you did so that he can have the order dropped? And have it documented as FALSE??? Seriously. STOP NOW. If you need to communicate with him for anything, do so through your attorney ONLY. No more Mom. No more phone calls. You are hanging yourself.
Remember, you asked the court to order him away from you because you are supposedly in fear of your life. And you FUCKING CALL HIM????? People don't CALL the person they are in fear of their life from.
Sally - she meant *I* am not
Sally - she meant *I* am not in the US - so the laws this lady is quoting do not apply here. Don't stress
Crap - it's Saturday morning
Crap - it's Saturday morning here 12.53 am and I should go to bed!
Have not slept much this week so I am hoping that the tiredness I am feeling now will give me a good 6-7 hours at least!
Enjoy your weekend Sally, and thanks
OMG it's not condescension or
OMG it's not condescension or judging AT ALL.
I was just offering advice because a good friend of mine who left her intensely violent and dangerous husband had this very same thing happen in the US just two years ago. Her husband managed to weasel her into calling him, and the result was he got the restraining order dropped, and then BEAT HER AGAIN.
Many abuse victims do not understand how restraining orders (at least in the US) work. And many don;t realize that if they violate the order by their own actions, the RO can be not only deemed void and dropped, but paint them in a bad light with the courts. Then if she goes back for another when her husband attacks her again, the judge rolls their eyes because she already filed a "false" complaint.
Abusers are smart and cunning. I just didn't want to see Luchay also be a victim to his games.
I don;t see how looking out for her, and showing concern for her, is "condescending". Unless in your country that is also a word for "helpful".
It's ok - honestly - I took
It's ok - honestly - I took it as genuine concern (ok the last part was a little strong but it's ok) But it does work differently here so please don't stress.
well of course you think that
well of course you think that sweetie, bless your heart.
Oh here we go, the posse has
Oh here we go, the posse has arrived - now we just need Shaken to complete the party.
Ladies - I will say this only once - please stay off of my blogs I do not want or need your drama here.
thank goodness.
thank goodness.
No, actually I am not - I'm
No, actually I am not - I'm not in the US.
The order does not state anywhere that I cannot contact him - in fact when it was explained to me I was told I COULD and that I could even still use that contact if he speaks to me as evidence of HIM breaching the order.
The order is not against me and I guess it works differently here - but it actually states "What if the protected person gives permission to contravene the order?"
Followed by
"A person cannot permit another person to contravene an order of the court. This means that even if the protected person allows a respondant to disobey the order the respondant would still be commintting an offence.
It is not a defence that the protected person consented to the behaviour that contravened the order"
Yes, I did and yes I do. And as stated I gave his daughter ONE FREE PASS. Call me crazy but I do not feel it is fair to him (no matter what he may have done in the past) for him to be penalized and possibly jailed because she's a dopey sod. I gave HIM the chance to make sure she understood the gravity of what she did. Now that I have done that if ANYONE contacts me again I will not hesitate to call the police. Todays contact has been fully documented so if needed I have it.
Thanks for the clarification.
Thanks for the clarification. I was just worried about you.
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Sounds to me like you are
Sounds to me like you are thinking rationally and taking the right steps. I'm only nervous about the mortgage. Are you authorized to talk to them? I was just thinking you should hold off your half of the payment to them until it shows he paid his. If you pay your half regularly and he decides to stop paying, it would go into default, no? Make sure he can't defer the letters from them to another address.
I'm probably just being paranoid but cover your bases. You're doing great, tell your mom to keep the mushy stuff to herself. You need to be strong and it just sets you back for her to be sharing those messages with you. ((Hugs))
Yes, my name is on all titles
Yes, my name is on all titles and mortgage docs so I am as authorised as him, and it sounds as though he has changed the auto pay from our joint acct to his new acct.
I need to call them on Monday to arrange my own auto pay and explain the situation. I am sure if there are issues they will let me know.
No - actually - re the mushy stuff - it actually (after yesterday) made me look harder I guess at all he is saying and see it for what it is - a ploy. I heard it, it made me sad and then it made me look for the REAL story, so I am not going to fall for it, all good.
No, he's not coming anywhere
No, he's not coming anywhere near to fix anything. I saw that ploy straight away - "I can't help get the house ready with this order, I'll be good I promise"
Bull SHIT.
No, I told him the calling him was a one time deal, a chance for him and SD, and that if it ever happens again I will not be calling him it will be straight to the police.
And yes I have noted the call number, what was said, time etc. Will also show on my phone log.
I think you handled
I think you handled everything great, and how you handled Jess was just fine, too. The mom is a bit of an idiot to think she can call you right after you call ex and you're going to believe that SD isn't involved and she didn't talk to ex. If I caught my kid making prank calls, I wouldn't call every number back to apologize, I would take her phone and deal with people IF they called back. What a fool.
Oh, forgot to add, had a
Oh, forgot to add, had a mutual friend scout SD's FB friends and yes there is a Jess on there..... Shocked I am not.
Ok the first bit made me
Ok the first bit made me laugh out loud,
and yes, I know it's all a ploy, but the info re the mortgage and where his head is was helpful - way more to me than to him, he doesn't realise I can read him pretty well.
What he doesn't yet know is that my DV advocate is still in talks with the police re him breaching the order yesterday and he still may be charged for that (at my insistence)
I am not backing down, I am now preparing to fight harder than I was yesterday - so his "I love you's" had the opposite effect. But he THINKS he knows me well enough and that I will fall for that garbage, so now I feel I have the upper had because he will be expecting ME to be unprepared and not ready for battle.
Fuck him.
- way ahead there - if I get
I don't have an attorney yet and mortgage was due today so it was good to know that this weeks is covered until I can call bank and arrange an attorney on Monday, got a list yesterday from the court prosecutors (LOL)
So, once that is sorted he will be informed to keep all contact to between attorneys.
I think you are doing pretty
I think you are doing pretty good! Except for one thing and you may want to prepare.
I could totally see this man taking his phone records to the court today and telling them that you are calling to harass and threatening him and his DD. There is no way to prove you called just to give him a heads up. And if you say that you called to give him a heads up, they will use that against you as well.
I know you still love him, but he is the enemy now. And a crazy loon to boot.
Yes, that is why I have the
Yes, that is why I have the notes made about the calls to me (from this girl and her mother, and the times - call log from my phone - and my record of what each call was about)
They should be able to show from HIS phone records (if he tries the above) that the same number is called at just after I call him and she calls me - if that makes sense - which would back up my version - also I was still with my client when the first call happened - I was just packing up, and he heard me talking to the girl and I told him how it was some weird teenager and what was said etc. So I have his verification of the call happening as well if needed.
Honestly Luchay, I dont'
Honestly Luchay, I dont' think any of that will matter. You can have all the notes in the world and all the hearsay you want but it will boil down to he can show that you are calling him. The courts are not going to take the time to hunt down the girl and her mom and have them come in to verify your story. Nor will they hunt down the person you were with, to come and verify your story.
It would just take too much time and effort. they will see you are calling him and then they might put the RO on you to stay away from him and they could take it off him since you they will think he must not be too bad if you are calling him.
I had a friend go through something similar (A VERY LONG TIME AGO). Things may have changed but I doubt it. I am just advising you to not call him again for ANY reason.
It works differently here -
It works differently here - see above. I am not prevented from contacting him - only him contacting me.
I'd let him buy you out of
I'd let him buy you out of the house. It sounds like the house is a disaster and you don't have the funds to (1) pay the mortgage and (2) fix up the house to sell. This way you'll get some lump sum of cash to start your new life (i.e., put a deposit down on an apartment, pay off any debt you have, etc.).
Be careful with contacting him. If a judge knew you did, he/she may not take you seriously that you fear him.
.... meant to reply to
.... meant to reply to willow.
Last time I left mine was
Last time I left mine was almost ten years ago.
He called my mom.
Mom said he sounds so sad I think he really loves you couldn't you just talk to him for just a minute?
I wound up going back
Didn't really believe him
Mostly didn't want him to create another miniwife monster to hurt me with
I decided to give it another chance knowing deep in my heart things would never change
Bided my time until the kids were old enough to see the madness themselves
I got sick a few months after I came back so wound up dependent on him
Am well now but having difficulty finding a job
Went off on a tangent there-sorry for jacking
The point is don't let him speak to you through anyone
Beg and plead threaten if you have to so these well meaning people won't answer the phone
That is one way they erode the boundaries you try to put up for your own protection
More prayers up
One thing I need to clarify -
One thing I need to clarify - it's possibly different here again regarding court and stuff.
December hearing is ONLY about the order, not about financials, kids, anything he wants to raise (she abused me to your honour she punched me 4 times - forgot to say he also said that to my mum LOL - mum said yes she did, and in your nuts twice as well! - Go MOTHER!)
So, nothing else will be handled - I think he has laid that time frame so that I relate the two items in my head - that I need to sort things with him and he will play nice and so that I say no I don't want the order.
The other stuff will have to be handled separately through different courts (we don't HAVE to go to court if it can be done amicably we don't even need solicitors - yeah no chance of that)
Also, spoke to police lady this morning (he is coming at 12.30 to collect some stuff - already trying it on to get stuff that was mine - skids mattresses and bedding - the pillows are theirs, the mattresses, doona's were mine before and the beds/bed covers I bought here FOR them - I will let him have the beds and covers but am keeping my mattresses and doonas. I told her about the contacts and she said me calling him is just fine - the order is NOT against me and I can do as I please.
Hmmm guess I will be posting later on how that goes!
Am pissed because I had made plans to have coffee with a FB friend after I drop the girls off, haven't met her so I thought it was high time - she has also been through all this before. Was spreading my wings and getting out there into the world. Fuck him he ruined even that!