SKIDS and picking up/dropping off and Scheduling????????
Ok so I am wondering how everyone deals with the small detail of picking up and dropping of the Skids. Also, how do you schedule who has them?
In all of the annoying things going on it is yet another details that often drives me crazy. My DH is ALWAYS the one to pick up and drop off his daughter which used to drive me CRAZY because the ex and her family ALWAYS invite him inside to have a glass of water or eat lunch or wait while the daughter takes a bath or talk to her brother etc etc etc. Of course I usually go with so I dont sit at home wondering what he is doing there but I have spoken to him a LOT about it and he is getting better at being quick. Of course today when DH said he was going to ask BM to pick her up I opposed because frankly I dont want her in our house!!
Also there are absolutley no schedule for who has his daughter EVER, they always ask her who she wants to stay with and wherever she wants they let her go there. She is 5 so I think that is ridiculous and bad for her. This part doesnt bother me for the daughter herself, I enjoy her company usually, but I HATE how the BM and my DH are constantly calling each other to figure out who has the daughter where she will sleep who will take her to school, etc etc. When I brought this up to DH he brought up the culture factor again and said this is how they do it in Brazil. So I'm wondering..
How do you guys do these two things :? :? :?
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Get a court order spelling
Get a court order spelling out visitation times and dates then the receiving parent pocks up. SO has just now started to just semd his kids (5 and 6) out to her car instead if walking them out. Which frustrates her cause now she can't curse and scream at him in front of the kids, which was his point.
Thanks for your input being
Thanks for your input being from a close by country. Glad you agree with me.. Did your ex used to come in your home and bother you guys all the time before things changed? And how long is a LONG time exactly? wondering if my patience will run out before that...
since partners split with BM
since partners split with BM he's had the kids every weekend without fail. It wasn't court ordered its just something that they both agreed on. of course this was when Skids were much younger so she loved getting rid of the kids for a whole weekend whilst she "went out on the piss and got laid" (her words). If it was just being organised now then I can guarantee it be a lot less because she relies on the kids a lot to help her with her youngest 3 kids not by partner. but, luckily, it's a habit that's stuck and has never changed it and now it's down on the divorce C/O so she wouldn't be able to even if she wanted to.
when she found out I was pregnant she told the kids that things were going to change because he had his "new family" now. She promptly fell pregnant so that all the attention wasn't on us and ironically the only times the kids haven't seen their dad is when SHE'S needed a baby sitter or help from one of the Skids for younger kids. partners never made any changes and never failed to see his kids even when I'd given birth that day he saw his kids later. even Christmas has stayed the same (he'll spend morning with us, spend a few hours with Skids and have Christmas dinner then come back about 3ish).
OMG!! "went out on the piss
OMG!! "went out on the piss and got laid" (her words) That is hilarious but not at the same time... So do you mean to say that your DH has Christmas dinner at BM's house then comes back at 3pm to your house???
Well, we don't have Christmas
Well, we don't have Christmas dinner on Christmas day we have iton Boxing day. My parents come round on Christmas day as I like to keep son at home with his toys but my dad doesn't like other people's cooking so I do a buffet instead. He's usually there from 1 to 3 which coincides with when BM serves dinner so he's always offered some. It's never planned but tbh I would rather he went and saw the kids at BM's Christmas day than them come to mine!! lol.
I'm from Brazil, so I can
I'm from Brazil, so I can give you some insight on the culture.
We are usually more informal and gregarious, and it's not rare for exs (and even their new spouses, kids or skids) to still be considered "a part of the family".
So don't take it personally if her family treats him, or you, as such. However, it's up to you and your SO to establish your own boundaries.
It is also not true that noone in Brazil establishes court-ordered visitation schedules. Some couples do and some don't.
I myself think it's important for all, specially the child, that everyone knows beforehand how it's going to work.
Cultural differences are something that can be very interesting and very difficult in the long term, so it's very important that you and your SO maintain a very open communication line. You have to be comfortable telling him how you feel (and vice-versa) and know that your feelings WILL be respected, so resentments don't build up. Sometimes we don't even stop to think that the other person might feel bad about something, or that other cultures do it diffently, since that's the way we grew up.
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the cultural insight! I was really hoping someone from brazil would reply.
The whole "part of the family" thing wouldnt have been a problem for me had I not seen framed pictures of her and my fiance on her coffee table and in her bathroom. :sick:
And if she didnt call him 10 times a day. Really at first I wanted everything to be nicer than normal but when she crossed that line I totally started hating and resenting her. And it is VERY hard to discuss cultural differences, I bottle a lot of things up because I HATE seeming like a nagging wife and he always says I am being difficult. But My parents are from 2 different cultures and I have dated other guys from other cultures and I have never had big problems before. I will try to talk to him about the schedule per everyones advice and then post what happened. Thank again.
Framed pictures of just him
Framed pictures of just him and her?
I do think that's mean and disrespectful. If the photos include the child, there MIGHT be sume justification, but just the two of them? No way!
However, you have no control over what she does at her own house. You can control only your own decisions and reactions.
As I see it, you can:
1. Confront her, but remember you're on her turf and if she says the photos are going to stay, there's not much you can do.
2. Ignore it. That depends on how irked you are by that.
3. Not come over again, which is definitely not the best solution if you think she's trying to win him back.
4. If you have opportunity and are feeling mean, just take a large bag and place the photo in it. Then you can discard it as you see fit. }:)
How do you think your SO feels with his ex's attention?
My advice is: do not bottle things up, but try not to nag. I know it's hard, but you can try to have a serious talk with him about these things, at a moment when you won't be interrupted instead of having several small talks that seem like nagging. Just an idea...
Do you have many friends in Brazil? What do you do with your time here? It's never good to have a mand think you "depend" on him, emotionally or otherwise.
I wanted to either talk to
I wanted to either talk to her about the pics (one pic was only him and her and one pic was the three of them lying in bed together) Or take them and destroy them but I decided to talk to my SO about it and he said he didnt see them but would look for them the next time we went over there. When he saw them he said like you did, its her house so what do you want me to do? I said to confront her and ask her why they are there. He agreed but instead of a serious way he jokingly asked her and she acted like she didnt know they were there and took them down, but then the next time we were back there they were back up again!
By this time I was so pissed and I told him I would not go back there until he resolved it and then he went to resolve it but came back and said the pics werent there anymore so he didnt say anything. I didnt like that so he called her and asked if it was her mom who put the pics there and she said yes. Then that was enough for him. I think that is a lame excuse and dont believe it for one second and it really upsets me that he believes her(or says that he does).
I dont know what he feels about her attention, he keeps telling me that that is just the way that she is and he always makes excuses for her behaviour. It is seriously driving me insane and am I very seriously considering leaving him over this. He left her and I dont think he wants to get back with her but I dont understand why he is not as annoyed by her calls and behavior as I am. He seems to think it is perfectly normal and it is NOT.
I dont have any friends here and he is also really protective of and worried about me going out and doing things on my own since I dont speak good portuguese. We are here for a few months while we wait for his visa papers to go through to come back to USA with me. I definitly know that a huge part of the problem is that I am currently dependant on him for everything and I hate that and I dont think he is very comfortable with it either. But it is a very temporary situation or else I would have never agreed to it...