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Found out SO refused to have another child with BM - but he's going through IVF with me

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 8:13am

:jawdrop: SO never mentioned that BM wanted more children and SO refused. They had SS16 by "accident" and got married a year or so later. They were together until shortly before SO and I got together (I was not SO's first relationship post marriage, but close to it). SS was 10 when SO and I got together.

I've never had kids, and had tried. After a while of that, you just figure you can't. I left exH at 31 and didn't find myself in a stable long term committment again I got together with SO at the age of 36. And we were focused on SS, who was custodial with us.

I figured I missed the window. But recently, SO started to come to me seriously with the idea of going for fertility help. Seriously - what a man. I never would have even tried to push him into it if it hadn't been his idea to begin with. And I still was hesitant - didn't know what we might be getting into, or if I could handle it emotionally.

But a lot of things just fell into place, and we started going to a fertility clinic. We've gone through a lot of preliminary procedures including my surgery at the beginning of this month, and I'm just starting my drugs for our first retrieval in September (due to my age, we are doing several rounds of retrieval and "banking" any good embryos we get, and not implanting until next year).

It has been a lot of effort, and very emotional. I feel like someone born defective, who just accepted that I'd always be different, and now I've been given the chance to be like everybody else. It still may not work. But I might have my own baby. I'm very emotional.

Anyway, BM knew that I couldn't have children. I forget how she found that out. But she used to use it against SS when they fought. I was custodial to him, and he loved me - she'd say "how can that woman be a good mother to you?! She can't even have children!" What a biatch, right?

Well, recently BM found out we were going to the fertility clinic and trying to have a baby. SS told her - now that he's decided we're evil and has run to live with her. BM called up SO freaking out. Of course she did - if I have a baby, she won't be the only baby momma in town.

Of course I realized she'd be additionally annoyed that the two of them had a baby by accident, but he's going out of his way and doing all kinds of special stuff to try to have a baby with me. I'll admit I get a kick out of her feeling that way, but that's no part of why we're doing it - we're way past the stage of doing anything in order to provoke any reaction from her. Maybe it makes it even worse for her that she probably senses that.

Anyway, what I didn't know until last night - it just never came up - is that BM *wanted* more kids with SO, and SO said no.

We were talking about all the fertility stuff over dinner last night. I said that if we have twins (we will implant two at a time), then I agree with SO that we should not try for more. But if I have one, I want to try for another - I'd like to have two.

He says, "You know that would kill BM. She always wanted more - I turned her down."

:jawdrop:

No, I didn't know that. But thanks for telling me - that made my day!

I know it's not nice to gloat - but that woman has been a real (c word).

TGIF, all Smile

L

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LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:10am

I know he loved her at one time - a small part of me even thinks it's too bad it went so wrong for them, because he got hurt and that causes damage (her too, but that's her SO's issue!). I don't think that enough to wish they had stayed together though LOL.

Sounds like things worked out the right way for you too - so many men want nothing to do with that operation! The surgery I had earlier this month was a tubal ligation, because the doctors said the condition of my tubes wouldn't allow me to get pregnant without IVF, and could actually negatively affect my ability to carry an IVF baby if they were left attached to the uterus. So at the end of the day, I got sterilized in order to have a baby. Funny, right? So for us there's no more chance of an "oops" - this works, or we don't have a baby at all.

Thanks for the good luck Smile

L

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:03am

That is *all* you picked up on in my post?

Did you happen to notice the part where BM said I couldn't possibly be a good mother to SS because I couldn't have children?

PS - I am *older* than her, and I don't have *any* kids.

So this woman is a total biatch to me, I take stellar care of *her* kid custodially for 6 years anyway, and I *finally* have a *chance* to have one of my own, and I admit to the totally *natural* feeling that I *finally* got the long end of the stick, and you want to tell me that's bad karma?

You know nothing about my karma. Maybe it's my karma giving me this opportunity because I've earned it, and her karma rubbing it in her face because she's an irresponsible failure as a parent. Did you ever think of that?

PS - If I were to find out my ex had a kid with his gf I would be happy for them. Ex and gf haven't been total a$$holes for years like BM. That's who I am, and that's why I have the *fantastic* karma that I do. I've earned it.

And BM has *earned* my reaction to this situation.

What could you *possibly* know about how I feel about this, having taken care of someone *else's* child for years and always put him first, and having *none* of my own? Not *just one* like you - *none*. You *can't* possibly know.

So do me a favor, go judge somebody else. I already indicated that I'm aware it isn't the most charitable feeling to have, I don't need your admonishment for that. And I don't believe for a second that you're above negative feelings, nor even that you're more free of them than I am. And you have no business judging me for them. You don't know me. And you *clearly* misread how much it took to even push me into as little as a private smile over the situation. Many people would be shouting it from the rooftops. I'm doing nothing - just shared it on here. This is one of the *least* ugly feelings people regularly admit to around here. I don't need to be scolded by you for it.

(shakes head)

L

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:28am

Well put as was your original post. Good luck to you and your DH with the IVF. He sounds like a very supportive husband!

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:43am

So glad you are trying for a child - will be saying prayers that all goes well. You have every reason to gloat a little. Don't listen to the haters just relax and try not to get too stressed my girlfriend went through IVF - the first time so stressed it did not take but the second and third time it did. She now has 3 kids - a set of twins and a beautiful daughter.

BM wanted DH to get fixed after their son was born and he refused. He met me when he was 46 and I was 36 - I had DD when I was 38 and then he wanted to get a vasectomy he said he loved our family and this was it for him and I asked him to wait until I turned 40 and if I still wanted another child would he be willing to try for 1 more he said yes - our DD did not sleep through the night for 16 months - I was so tired by the time I turned 40 that I told him go get the vasectomy - lol.

I think your BM is very upset because their child was an accident and yours is an effort of love. Doing IVF is not easy for either person but especially the woman. Good Luck!

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 11:31am

Thanks for the encouragement - and your story made me laugh out loud!

I'm starting to make lifestyle changes now, because I'm certainly just as concerned with making good eggs as I will be about carrying them later. I've started being very careful with what I eat and making sure I get enough sleep. Lowering stress is on the radar as well.

I feel pretty good. I accepted long ago that this would never happen for me, so I'm already at peace with the fact that the end result is in the hands of a higher power. Maybe I was only wrong to think that I already knew the end result - there was more to come! If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, I will accept it with the best grace I can. Smile

L

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 1:13pm

I have to say going through it with my friend - just keep your stress level down no matter what - the diet is good and if you have not been exercising I would start - it is good to have a strong body and mind. I had seen earlier that you had written that you were only going to put in 2 embryos - your doctor may suggest more - for my friend and the birth of her daughter she had 4 embryos and only 1 made it - for the twins she had 4 as well and they are fraternal so 2 made it - you may have to put in 3 or 4 to ensure that it will work. I am not sure of your age but they may suggest more. Just because they put in 3 or 4 it usually ends up that only 1 sometimes 2 stick. Then you have the stories of 4 babies but that is not normal.

Also remember when you are going through all of the harvesting to relax and enjoy your time with DH - after the baby or babies are born it is no longer about the two of you - I know you got SS when he was 10 but it is still different. They need attention 24X7 and I am a nurse and no one told me about the lost sleep - I was delirious the first 16 months but would not trade it for the world. Keep a positive attitude and keep us updated on the progress. I think this is so exciting.

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 1:23pm

I hear you on "it's different" - I am completely aware that this is like nothing I've ever taken on before. I'm going in with the most positive attitude.

I spoke with the doctor and they will do two or three. Two was our choice, because that way we can implant a boy and a girl and let the higher powers decide, almost like what happens naturally.

Because of my age we've got a special package. We'll do the harvesting, and whatever we are able to fertilize, if it survives to day 5, will be genetically tested before freezing, and only frozen if genetically sound (test is 95% accurate). So whatever we've actually got frozen we can be pretty sure is a strong and healthy embryo. That makes us very lucky because those which aren't will be weeded out before implantation, saving me the heartache of losing them due to "natural selection". Our loss percentage should be lower as well because any genetic problems have been weeded out already.

The test also tells the gender. We'll know over the next few months exactly how many chances I've got on the implantation side.

I think it's so much emotionally easier this way. For one thing, right now I can totally focus on creating healthy eggs. I don't have to switch gears to "am I pregnant?" for months - and I *never* have to go back and forth from one to the other.

Somehow I'm more confident of my ability to carry a baby than to make a healthy one! I don't know why.

But right now, during "egg production phase," I'm feeling very positive and happy. And without the "am I pregnant" coming until later, I should be able to maintain that, allowing for the regular ups and downs of life.

Next year during "implantation phase" I think emotional equilibrium will be harder, and I'll ramp up my emotional defenses in preparation.

I just feel very lucky to have a chance at all. Trying to stay centered around that. Smile

L

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 12:30pm

I do believe in karma. If you scroll down a bit you'll see the story of BM and her "she can't have kids" statement. She didn't say that to me personally - she used it as a weapon to hurt SS.

You say it's different when it's about children. But BM didn't see her own child differently enough to bite her tongue on her nasty statement to him about me. So I don't see any reason I should be sensitive to her feelings in return. And I do believe that what's happening now speaks directly to what she invited by her own actions - her own karma.

Besides, my primary emotional response to SO's revelation was shock. Followed by a recurring chuckle. If you think you'd feel differently in my shoes you're kidding yourself.

I don't concern myself with BM enough to even have asked SO why they never had more kids, in the course of our entire relationship. That's because I have kept myself above responding to her bullshit or letting her drag me down for many years, despite everything she tried to do to SO, to SS, and to me. If the worst I've done is be amused by her distress now - and it is! - I think I'm doing remarkably well. (Hence my own karma....)

L

pat's picture

Submitted by pat on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 8:27am

Sounds like us. We are going to freeze ours soon, so next year after the wedding, we will implant them in her. I have two kids with my ex and did not want more , untill I met my future wife and she said she would have more at 42 with me ! I was happy that shewould do that for us. I really don't care what the ex feels/wants . Best of luck to you both !! Smile

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:05am

And good luck to you too - your future wife and I are the same age, it's kind of scary thinking of running around after a little one. But I'm sure it will be amazing....

L

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:51am

The comment really hurt, but not for the reason one would normally think. What happened was SS was on a visit with BM, and there had been a lot of trouble and two temporary restraining orders against BM at that time (this was years ago). BM and SS got in a fight, and BM called to say she was dropping off SS early at the police station (exchanges were mandated there by the family court judge). I went to get SS - the judge advised that I go instead of SO so that BM and SO didn't have contact. SS was hysterical in the police waiting room. Per the advice of our lawyer at the time, I asked to make a report - they told us to document everything.

SS went in the back with me. He calmed down a bit. An officer took him to a back room to talk to him privately about why he had fought with his mother. SS didn't know I could hear the whole thing. SS told the officer that SS and BM fought because BM told SS I couldn't possibly love him or be a good mother to him because I couldn't have babies so I couldn't be a mother or know how to love a kid.

She didn't say it to me, she said it to him, to hurt him. And he stood up for me. He was crying when he told the cops.

I don't care what she thinks of me - but I was appalled that she did that to him. Sad

Sorry things aren't going well for you right now. Remember though that "down" is part of the cycle. I hope things get better....

L

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 9:58am

Spunki,

She called SO as soon as she found out and started talking sh!t. And then I started getting harassing emails and letters trying to break us up. Just about nobody has that email but SS - the whole thing smacks of BM. I'm ignoring it and so far it's trailed off.

I don't know and don't care - she really doesn't affect me because SO handles his business. I don't even really think about her much and certainly don't compare myself to her. I do see what you mean with the competition thing. I've never really joined in and I'm not interested in starting now. SS is 16 anyway - not like we're looking at extensive contact like people have with young ones.

You bring up a good point though - I'm afraid I'll be broke! And exhausted!

But I don't care one whit - if I'm blessed with a baby (or babies), I'll be ecstatic. And I'll use all my experience to try to do right by them.

You're right about my SO. The first time he went to give a sample for his diagnostics I was in awe that he would go through that for me. Smile

L