BM wants to leave the country

This is the back story...

BM, SS, and SO are all immigrants to the US - they came when SS was around 4 years old.

BM walked out on SO and SS when SS was around 9. SO and SS moved in with me not long after. It was very early in my relationship with SO to take that step (like, a couple of months). But they were about to be outdoors, and I've always been the type to err on the side of rushing into things rather than wondering later what could have been.

SS will be 16 next month. He lived with us 100% and did not even go overnight with BM until this past spring (she couldn't provide a suitable environment). In April, SS stormed out in a fit of anger at our finally enforcing consequences for his failures in school. He went with BM and she took him. SO allowed this so that SS could learn what it's like to go without, so he might see the point of applying himself in school. (BM would never be awarded custody, because she still can't provide a suitable environment.) In under a month BM was on the phone to SO begging SO to take SS back because SS was belligerent and out of control with her. Plus SS was failing even worse. SO took SS back. BM agreed that she wouldn't allow SS to run to her to avoid SO's rules again. SS lasted around 7 weeks here and then stormed out in anger again. He went to BM, and she took him again, despite what she told SO. BM and SS were planning it together for who knows how long.

Now SO wants nothing to do with either of them. He feels, and I agree, that he has done everything he could for SS, and SS has insisted on learning things the hard way. SS won't be allowed to run back and forth again. So there's nothing more to be done.

BM called SO today and said she wants to leave the country and go back to their home country. SO said fine, I'll sign the papers, you do whatever you like.

BM's answer: what if I leave SS right here?

:jawdrop:

I guess things aren't all sunshine and roses over there. SS always says he wants to go back to their country eventually - but he has a few years to go to finish high school. Plus he was accepted (to my amazement) into an special high school that is giving him college prep academics plus technical training in information technology as well. If not for that, he'd go to our local high school which is bottom of the barrel. The plan was always for SS to finish at least high school and possibly college here (if he got his sh*t together), and then decide where he would like to live and work, armed with a good education.

If SS goes back to his country, he won't have to finish school. He will probably go into a family business. He would be taken care of physically, but he would definitely have to work and do his share. With us, he did almost nothing - not even keep his grades up, which is all we asked. He bailed as soon as there were serious consequences for that, because he seriously believes nobody has the right to tell him what to do. I think that SS thinks in his home country he can continue to do nothing and be provided for, and nobody will bother him about school. And they probably won't bother him about school. But they will bother him about work. And it amounts to the same thing - you don't do your share, you have a problem. Here or there. But SS doesn't see that.

But here's the thing - since SS always says he wants to go, and seriously thinks he's man enough to be a success there, then *why* would BM even suggest she'd leave him here?

Very interesting to me.

SO told her that if BM leaves SS, SS better have a plan to support himself because he's already used up his second chance here.

SS will be 16 next month, so technically he's permitted to drop out of school. That was never suggested by anyone. And seriously, if he's not going to school, then he's probably better off over there with BM's family.

If he stays here without BM, he can't support himself and also stay in school. He'd have to drop out and work.

What a total SNAFU.

We haven't heard anything at all from SS. He thinks he's such a big man, but all his communication with SO is through BM.

No idea what's going on over there. Just waiting to see what happens next.

LizGrace65's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

He's not actually behind yet

He's not actually behind yet - he managed to finish without failing anything for the year. That only happened because I was getting a weekly report from guidance to make sure he did all his assignments, and SO grounded him. That's why SS ran out - he didn't like those consequences. He says if we left him alone he'd do better. Problem with that is that we *did* leave him alone in January and February to give him a chance to handle it on his own, and he went way downhill. The first time he went with his mother he went downhill too, but I stayed on him through the end of the year and he made it.

Now he's with his mother again, and I expect that he'll be failing by the end of the first marking period.

He won't get his GED - that would take the self discipline to do the work independently. He can't even do the work when he's there in the room with everyone else.

It's just sad. He has no pride in his work.

Just FYI, I couldn't put the

Just FYI, I couldn't put the full detail from all of my blogs into this post. Before you judge me and SO negatively for our decisions you might want to actually be familiar with the situation.

SO never abandoned SS. SS walked out of here a few weeks ago, for the second time, voluntarily both times. And this time he went down to the police station and attempted to falsely accuse SO of abuse.

SS isn't simply "not following the rules" which is "what teenagers do." The only rule SS had was to do his best in school so that he would have a future. And he was failing out of the damn school.

It is really insulting that you think that you're so much more in touch with what it was like to be a 16 year old and so much more conversant in their behavioral norms that you can tell me whether the behavior of this particular 16 year old is normal teenage behavior even though you've never met him, and I was his primary parent for six years. I must be a real idiot if you know at a glance better than I do after all that time.

This is not "what teenagers do." SS has serious issues.

We don't think he's a man. *SS* thinks he's a man. The rest of his issues stem from that. We see him going down a path that will end with him destitute, literally unable to provide for himself let alone have a family. And we have done *everything* we can think of to try to deal with it. But SS is completely unresponsive.

Perhaps if you were dealing with a child who would rather see his father in jail than have a homework assignment signed, you'd understand what we're going through.

I'm not small minded enough to wish it on you. Count yourself lucky you don't get it.

Liz. Have you and SO talked

Liz. Have you and SO talked about foster care? I seriously doubt that any foster parent is going to try to get SS to do better in school, but it might give SS something to think about. Or, let him have his wish and go back to his home country and let him find out that 'no, it isn't easier' and that things will still be expected of him. My only fear is that he won't make wise friend choices and will find himself with a unwise friends, you get where I am going? At this point would he even be accepted by others, not his family? Is he aware of the consequences if he goes back to his own country? As for his BM, well let her go back if she wants. I'm sure it would be to look for another who would take care of her. I see your point as to wondering why she would not just want to take him back with her, outside of financial reason (ticket being too much, assuming she flew back).

We're not getting involved.

We're not getting involved. I asked SO if we would even know if they left. I guess we'd know when he tried to give her money and she wasn't there to take it.

We're not getting dragged into the drama. They wanted it, they got it. (shrug)

You are here