I googled it...there was a a site or two that helped...I am not good at the disengaging but I sure the HECK am trying....the seasoned advice of the posters here sure helps good luck!

http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/2008/07/stepmoms-disengaging-essay.html

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I have a list of things I do and don't do now. I'll have to find it and put it here as well.
a quick list
no dishes, no laundry, no cleaning up after them, no doing favors, no purchases, no taking them anywhere. He does it all. I make plans with friends and give him time with them alone. Let him deal with them by himself.

The hardest part for me is the emotional detachment. Keeping my mouth shut. Like when he spends money on them continually and then complains when SD acts spoiled.

I agree with AA -- the keeping opinions to yourself is the most difficult. And if your DH has the less-than-desirable habit of throwing goods and money towards the steps the first part of disengaging from your skids is disengaging your finances. I learned the hard way, after watching the $ being sucked from our savings accounts because in a 3-month period my DH just couldn't say NO to any big-ticket item SK's wanted. And mind you, after taxes and child support, my income makes up about 2/3 of the household.

Disengaging is tough. It takes a lot of work, especially the keeping your mouth shut part. Good luck!

how old are the skids?

I agree....it is sooooo hard to keep your mouth shut when you are disengaged. Sometimes, you just have to hum a little happy tune in your head and walk away...LOL! In our situation, the kids were all adults when we met. And, I truly made an effort to get to know and tried to like his kids. Wowsers......his kids are just about EVERYTHING you raise your kids not to be. It got to the point my skin would crawl (literally) if DH mentioned that SD was coming to town. The more DH pushed the relationships, the worse it got. Sometimes, I think, if he just let it all work itself out, it would have been much better. I finally stood up for myself and disengaged. No more presents from "us" for birthdays and Christmas---DH can do all of that now. No more home cooked meals at this house for them---sounds rude, but they are doing their best to suck the taxpayers dry, so I figure I'm ALREADY feeding them! If DH wants to feed them, he can take them to a restaurant. No more hanging out here, either. I will not work my butt off so that his kids can hang out here, make a mess, not clean up after themselves, and call me to pick up stuff on the way home for them. Nope. And, you know what? I think this disengagement made DH open his eyes and really LOOK at the mess he made of his children. He still has blinders when it comes to SD, but he is making progress in seeing her for what she is and what she's doing to herself, her children, and any man who will sleep with her. My disengagement has pointed DH in the right direction to look at his children like adults and not just as his kids. I am no longer stressed about the horrible relationship situation I had with his kids. Our marriage is much better simply because I DON'T care what his kids do and we dont' fight about it anymore.

It is NOT easy to disengage, and it's even harder to stay disengaged. You have to be tough, but YOU can do it. It's for your sanity. Your DH needs to realize that they are HIS kids and HIS responsiblity. Until he can give you full parenting responsibility, then you are OUT of the deal.

My SS ignores, disrespects, and disobeys me. DH and I have had conversations with the end result being that I'd use the same discipline methods he did for the disobedience (he asks once, if it isn't done, he asks again, and the third time sends SS to his room). Of course, this didn't work for me. SS will go to DH in tears, I'm not allowed to be in the conversation, and tell half truths and lies. I wish that it would have worked better. It didn't.

So this evening, I started the process of disengaging by telling DH that for my sanity and peace of mind, and because I can only control my part, I was going to disengage. I'm reminding myself now that I'm not perfect, so it will take some trying and I'll make mistakes. I get frustrated and angry, but want to make sure that when I talk to DH it is with huge love and support, and when I talk to SS it is matter of fact and non-accusatory. DH left a note on my pillow about how he has always supported me and my relationship with DD (his SD) and doesn't understand why I would just withdraw, since he never has. I wrote him back and explained that I do support him, I cannot support SS (for his sake or mine) disrespecting, disobeying and ignoring me. I luckily have not had DD speak rudely to or ignore him, although she has not been responsible with financial support we have given her, BUT I am holding her accountable for that - the money has been cut off. So, I wrote that I haven't and wouldn't support her disobeying, disrespecting, or ignoring him (she will be 21 in July, does not live at home, but still a kid in many ways ... you know how that goes).

*sigh* this is hard. I love my DH very much. I'm a teacher, so there's also just a core value of not teaching that unacceptable behavior is okay by allowing kids to behave the way SS has. So besides the love for my SS, there's the "love all kids and want what's best for them" core value on top of it.

I have allowed SS to make me angry, frustrated, resentful, and so on. I want that to stop. It is scary to have my DH disagree with me and feel like I'm not supporting him. So, bunch of prayer that I can disengage compassionately and many thanks for this website and the chance to write a really long, long post. Whew. No one said it would be easy ;).