IF she did wrong and pulled your personal data up using her JOB's software to gather information about you, GET HER and GET HER NOW! Do not back off on that one, lose her job, go to jail, what difference does it make, she did wrong! Thanks SD for sending me the email about your mothers wrong doing, but I can handle this, what was suppose to be accomplished by SD's email again? Was she gonna spank you if her mommie lost her job? Whatever....I am so with you, don't you dare pull back and approve her wrongness, and U are not making a mountain out of a molehill, BM was so sure of herself, she called you all to tell you this, so since she wants to be Inspector Gadget, Send her to OZ!

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Ok according to Jo, DH stated to BM that she could be fired, so I am assuming, there was some sort of conversation in regards to that, surely she just didn't say "yes and she charged $2.09" and DH said "you could be fired for that" That doesn't flow, so either DH suggested that she used her job to gather this information or she told him what she did, irregardless, what was her response? Did she DENY, was she elusive, did she say NO WAY! etc
The second part that is important is JO revcd an email from SD, now SD said what? Outside of don't you get my mommie fired, she said what? Did she say anything in regards to how mommie got the info?
The third part that is of utmost importance, I am once again assuming JO, that she accessed your credit/debit card, correct, not your actual social security number? So by accessing someones debit/credit number you do not leave a inquiry like you do with accessing a social BUT once again JO I am also assuming you should have no reason to be IN her job's database, correct? You do not pay child support and would have no reason for BM or anyone of her buddy co-workers to pull your information. So therefore, you write a very formal and NON hostile letter to her employer, you cc her immediate supervisor, Human Resources, and if they are a real big company their legal department, (most of which can be found on their company website and if not you call and get it) you state who you are, and that you feel your personal information has been breached by a representative of their company. You give facts only, not what you think and no emotion, companies don't like to get involved in CAT FIGHTS, I know this is not one but that is how it will look if you bring emotion into it. In your letter, you will state that on such and such date, you have firm information that an employee of their company utilized your personal information by using their computer software. That this is of huge concern to you and that if anything negative occurs to your financial security due to negligence on their part, you will seek legal retribution immediately. What does that statement say to a Chief Financial Officer of a company? They know what the verbage means, You know it, SUE SUE SUE! No company with all of the publicity that Identity Theft is receiving wants to be involved in a law suit.
They will rectify the problem immediately. NO computer can remove all traces of transactions, it doesn't exist ask any IT person (my hubby has training in that field, you cannot remove your IP address it's the fingerprint to your computer!) So Jo will ask that this particular employee's workstation be inventoried and investigated for any data pertaining to her. They will obviously question BM, and HEY even if they FIND absolutley nothing, wouldn't you just love to be a fly on the wall at that meeting with BM and Employer? In the letter also, JO will state she needs to hear the status and results of her inquiry by such and such date otherwise they can speak to her attorney.
Close out the letter and wait!
IF the employer finds info on BM computer, they will terminate her and they will let you know this, it's at that point with what they found you contact your local authorities and prosecute. IF they don't find anything on their system, then she obviously used something else, and Jo will need to find out, what does she have that is tracking your debit/credit transactions, does she know who you bank with, is it possible she has figured out your password?, if she didn't use her job, she has something.
I hope that answers your question Feerless, my identity theft case against BM involving me, has been going on now for 10 months, and the Feds are just about ready to arrest her, they had to wait until she submitted over $50,000.00 in transactions and debts in my name before thy could turn her case into a Federal Racketeering case (she is at 46,000.00)! Ironically, I have not been able to say anything to her because they wanted her to keep using my information, unbeknowest to BM the Social Security Administration changed my social security number and the state changed my drivers license number so her paper trail of deceit is long, and I will have my day in court and victory, because unlike the state The FEDS don't play and definately not with BANKS, remember they are FDIC secured.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Jo, honey, you are right. You are done. Document as much as you can--write down all the details. Did you tell this woman if she ever looks up your personal information again, you will file charges? Then there's no more to be said to her.

Check with your card company. Nothing will happen as a result of that, it just gives you peace of mind. Do whatever you can to confirm, and document everything.

Then you have several choices, in my mind. Press charges and completely disengage from this family, perhaps your relationship.

Don't press charges, but disengage from DK. Don't write to her, don't speak to her. Disengage from trying to stepparent the girls.
You need your BF's total support in this. If you don't have it, see the choice above.

Find a middle ground between disengaging from DK, and still stepparenting the girls, with some modicum of support from your BF, and accept that your life is sometimes, and perhaps often, going to look like a Lifetime movie.

These poor kids have been raised by a woman with low morals and weak character. It is natural for them to defend their mother. How can they be expected to have developed strong principles with her as a guide, strong enough to overcome the mother-defense instinct? That is not to say that they are right, but that is the reason. I think you already know that. But they are KIDS. They can't run your life. You can't sacrifice yourself Jo.

Under no circumstances should your SD be allowed to get away with threatening you. It is time for your BF to step up. She should be disciplined for what she said. If he doesn't step up, Jo, THINK HARD. It's not only about love. Love is essential, but it's not the only essential factor in a long-term relationship. Sometimes love is there, but b/c of other non-controllable, outside factors, happiness is not. You are the only one who knows the right answer.

Think about what you want your life to look like in 5 years, 10 years? If more of this is okay, then try the disengaging thing. There WILL be more of this kind of thing, and it will affect you to varying degrees depending on how good you are at disengaging. I get a feeling you are too soft-hearted to disengage much. I say that from a place of total friendship and support. If more of this is not okay, then perhaps a more difficult decision needs to be made. Your happiness and sanity are valuable.

P.S. Honey, DK doesn't need to be crazy for you to insist that communication should be short and only about the kids. Your BF and DK shouldn't have any other relationship other than co-parenting. Period. Since she is crazy, all the more reason.

P.P.S. Document, document, document. Document, document, document. Did I say document? The next time something like this happens--and it will--or the next time, or time after that, it might be time to go back to a mediator/court for new parenting plan rules that are judicially enforceable.

P.P.P.S. As always, this is just my opinion.

P.P.P.P.S. We are all here for you!

I'm sorry you're going through all this insanity! I feel for you, you know I do. Please don't lose your head over this - you'll get through it - with us right by your (cyber)side!

That's where it hurts the most. Stripping her of any remaining dignity isn't so bad either.
Good Luck!

Sweetie, don't think of as a confrontation. See it for what it is, protecting your self. Every woman has a right to protect what is hers.

Nevermind the DK. I have a saying to my SS's BB. "It's called mind over matter, I don't mind cause you don't matter.

You have a lot of love here hon, hang in there.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

I know what it feels like to have your privacy violated and your personal information stolen by the BM. I'm so sorry to say that I know exactly how you feel. I'm proud of you for putting fraud alerts on your accounts. You might also want to call and flag any accounts that you have at major retailers, utilities, banks, etc. BM would stop at nothing to get my personal info and called my cellphone company, went to my bank, and all sorts of other things pretending to be me.

Try not to let the adrenaline or the feelings of the situation overwhelm you. Stay calm and collected if you can. She will get what's coming to her.

I'm so glad that the NY Child Support place is so serious about this. A lot of places don't take this so seriously, so in a weird way you're lucky that she went about stealing your information that way instead of, say, calling the water company and pretending to be you.

Keep us updated on what happens. We're rooting for you!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I haven't been on in a while- But I am sorry you have to go through this. What is wrong with her why would she even think about looking at your personal info - she needs psychiatric help seriously and from the sound of it so does SD. Probably caused by her mom no doubt.

Hey me and Steve are right here in NY with you....ya wanna give us her address and phone number?---lol

Lisa Dawn