Guilt parenting...how much success have y'all had at changing it?

FH is very bad at spoiling the kids. He caters to their every whim and drives them anywhere they want to go anytime of the day or night. What's worse is that he always does it with a smile and is so sweety sweet to them...and takes all his anger and frustrations out on me. Way not fair.

The thing is that alot of his guilt parenting needs to change...our counselor told him as much. We're trying to have him see the counselor for his alone sessions and they can work out how to change his parenting style.

The problem is with counseling comes regression. FH is really good at hearing the counselor say things to him (which I've already said ad nauseum but he never listens to). When we get home though it's a different matter. Although FH is working on his parenting issues, he'll then turn around and blame me and use every psychological technique in the book to belittle me and make me the bad guy. That's fine, I've come to expect his little outbursts, but I'm just wondering how much change can I expect when it comes to the guilt parenting thing. He seems to understand that he's doing it and he seems to understand that it's impacting our relationship, but when it comes time to practice the new system he's kinda falling short.

Do you all think I can expect him to not get better at it...like this is as good as it's gonna get...or will he actually one day realize the damage he's doing to his kids, and to our relationship???

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We seem to have this issue

We seem to have this issue in common. At least he has acknowledged it. If I can get my wife to do the same I will at least have hope.

Been there

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

Done the counseling thing too. While in the counselor's office, DH agree 100% with everything she said, advised, counseled us on but when we got home, it was a total different story. Same thing with SD17 - only she tells the counselor what they want to hear and does exactly the opposite the minute she's out of the office door.

And no, it's NOT fine for you to have to put up with his outbursts against you - it sounds as if he's doing the exact same thing my DH does - you're the one getting the blame for everything and the little princesses can do no wrong - that's not right. Eventually all the accusations and tirades against you will build up and cause you more stress and anger - no matter how docile you may be right now, it WILL get old really fast. It all depends on the stand you take right now - are you willing to accept being the whipping post and taking a back seat to the skids for the rest of your life? I won't take anymore crap off of DH or the SD's - I've told him on more than one ocassion, there's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass. I love my husband, but either I'm an equal partner in this relationship or I'm done.

that's so true!

I'm already getting really resentful of how the skids get away with murder...and fh winds up with a headache...and I get treated like crap.
I gotta find my backbone though because I'm not good at confrontation.

I don't have kids of my own

I don't have kids of my own so you don't know how many times I heard "if you had kids you would understand". Finally after 3+ years I think my DH is finally seeing that being gulity isn't helping the kids at all but actually hurting them. As much as I would like to say that I was the one that turned him around, I think it was actually just time. When the kids would only call when they wanted something (money) or to talk all about themselves, completely ignoring him most of the time, etc.. He finally got it. He was simply a babysitter and ATM to his kids and for the BM. I mentioned this so many times but I was always the one that "didn't understand".. I think the only thing that will change him is time and the treatment from his kids.

oh yeah!!!

if I hear that again either, I'll puke! I heard that from fh a few times and I would ignore it, but one day i lost it on him and told him off but good! even though i don't have any bio-kids of my own, i can damn well teach him a few things about parenting because when he's not home, his kids are well behaved and we have a very happy, enjoyable time together...because i have boundaries and rules! and i told him just because a man can make a baby, that doesn't make him a father!!! he shut up after that.lol

I do have a success story, but it was a loooong journey

Two things made DH change his parenting styles. My constant protesting of his deplorable guilt-parenting techniques finally clicked when I miscarried and the SDs were making comments behind my back about it (that we found out BM had prompted them to make). We had gotten into HUGE fights about his guilt-parenting. My counselor told me he guilt-parented because he knew what a bad mother BM is. There were no rules at our house for the SDs- and I got VERY tired of that VERY quickly. He initially didn't want to go to counseling, so I went and got some for myself. I just had so much anger in me- towards DH, SDs (even though their behavior was a result of the poor parenting they received but I still hated them for their behavior because I'm human) and BM. My counselor helped me learn to disengage from the SDs. Basically, I would be polite to them, but let their father handle everything about them. Then the miscarriage happened, and BM made the comments (via the SDs }:) ) and he really came down on them hard. Once things cooled down, he explained to them that he knew they were forced to say those things but they still have to be held accountable, and that's why they got in trouble. He also started seeing my counselor (separately from me) and got the SDs counseling, and with both counselors worked out a plan on how to parent better. We have custody now (which we were able to get because of documentation of BM's refusal to work with DH and her withholding visitation several times). Thins have improved tenfold. But it took YEARS to get to where we are now. It was a long, hard struggle, but there is PEACE in our home now. The kids' behavior has improved TENFOLD and they are MUCH, MUCH happier, well-adjusted, better people and students. DH is a wonderful dad. After so many years of chaos, I think everyone (including the SDs) is relishing the peace.

that's an amazing story!

i'm so sorry for your miscarriage, first of all...that must have been terrible, plus having people mock it...that's just so cruel!
i think though you really give me some hope because we're all in counseling...me, fh, both of us together... Our bm is also a evil little troll who is completely inadequate as a mother and as a human being...so I'm also sure fh is making up for his crappy-ness.
I hope we'll get where you are one day.

OMG, aka

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

I swear you took the thoughts right out of my head! If I hear that phrase "you don't have kids, so you don't understand" one more time from DH or his family, I think I'll lose it! My DH & I have been together less than 2 yrs, so maybe he will start to see the light, but probably not. His darlings only call him when they want something - I refer to him as Daddy ATM, or the First Bank of Daddy. They never call just for the heck of it or even to wish him happy bday, father's day, or whatever; only to bitch and complain and ask for $$, and yet when I say anything about it, I'm the one who doesn't understand. Maybe I'm weird, but I just can't believe two kids who refuse to buy their dad a lousy c.d., tee shirt or whatever for his birthday, fathers day or even Christmas, but yet expect him to fork over money for every little thing. And the worst part is neither one of them have one ounce of respect for him. Disgusting!

Have any of you seen the

Have any of you seen the movie "Step Brothers". It is a stupid movie, but it was kind of funny at times. It is about two different parents that have enabled their 39 and 40 year old kids and they can't do a friggin thing by themselves. The two get married and now they have TWO enabled kids. It's a little over board, obviously, but I guess it could happen if we keep enabling them FOREVER!

i know what you mean

and i'm worried the skids will turn out like that
{shudder}
gives me chills. lol

Have any of you seen the

Crayon, I SWEAR we married the same man-oh, no you were

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

smarter than me-you didn't marry him.

I know H is putting some cash together. He "accidently" took $1600 with him when he left last time. Bet I never see it again. I'm sure he's cooking up something with SD17. I smell a huge ugly rat.

He'll be home Thursday. Shall we see how much cash he'll claim to have needed for MEALS? in the last 10 days?

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Guilt parenting...how much success have y'all had at changing it?

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