What is the appropriate response to a sick skid arriving at your house?
Hi, as most of you know, I am pregnant with twins. You may not know, that I am high risk for other reasons as well, past miscarriages and pre-term labor to name a couple. It is important that I remain as healthy as possible during this pregnancy. My question is this, what do I do when skids arrive for their time with DH while they are sick? I am in a very small condo, my SD actually shares a bed with my BD. I have nowhere to separate the sick kids from me and the other well children. Well, last night, my DH shows up with his skids, and SD is coughing her lungs out. He tells me that when he went to pick her up, she had been home from school that week with a fever. BM conveniently never told him about this illness. He felt like he was in a bind, as he was already there to pick them up, so he just brought them. Now, she is obviously very sick, coughing all over the place. I am considering going to stay at a hotel, though that is probably futile since my BD is getting significantly exposed anyway. What is the appropriate protocol? Of course, in a perfect world, BM would have been conscientious and let us know the child was sick before we picked her up. Never gonna happen, she is probably hoping I will get sick. Do we try to send her home, just cross our fingers, what?
Thanks for any feedback.
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Send her home!!! There is no
Send her home!!! There is no reason for you to be exposed to that, 3 lives are possibly in danger here, especially considering you have had miscarriages and you are at high risk. Your husband should talk to the kids Mom. Even if my kid was sick I would not send them to go visit the Dad unless they can devote time to take care of them, and obviously he can't, in addition to your fragile state. He needs to be thinking of you and his unborn babies you are carrying!!!!
Oh, it gets even worse than that!
We DID decide to send her home. DH tried to talk to BM, and at first it seemed like she was agreeable to taking her back. THEN, she recants, freaks out on him, says it is HIS problem that SD is sick on his time, and if she can't stay here then he needs to figure something else out. She actually REFUSED to take her own daughter home when she is sick. AND this whole thing could have been avoided if she would have disclosed the fact that SD was sick prior to DH showing up to pick up the skids. If BM's weekend "plans" could not be interfered with, then maybe we would have had the opportunity to come up with something workable. Now, my DH and SD are driving around, while the poor kid is sick, trying to find a hotel to stay in tonight. Unbelievable! I sent an email to BM, which I never do, explaining that all of this could have been avoided had she not hidden the fact that SD was sick. I have not heard back, but this is going to seriously damage any "reasonable" facade to the relationship we had been maintaining, and I told her as much. So, anyway, the poor child will not be here with me, so no risk of infection there, beyond what was already spread around last night and this morning, but she will have to spend the night in some last minute hotel when she is SICK because her mother is so selfish. I guarantee this is going to backfire on BM, her kids will be so mad at her for being so selfish this time around.
OH MY GOD. Why the hell are
OH MY GOD. Why the hell are some mothers, particularly ex's, just horrible and won't take care of their own children?! Her child's sickness should be more important than her own weekend plans!! Wow, I feel for you, seriously. I don't have any relationship whatsoever with the ex and I really like it that way. I'm not sure how you feel about that but maybe it's a good thing that you wrote that e-mail. She needs to know that she cannot be insensitive to your needs and she is affecting more than one person with her selfishness.
I don't make my bio kids leave when they are sick...
...and I don't send my skids away when they are sick, either. Their germs aren't any more infectious than my kids' germs. We just try to make them comfortable, see to their needs and make sure there's lots of handwashing going on. Why shouldn't fathers take on some of the responsibility for caring for their sick children? Is this a job only for mothers? If so, I feel bad for my hubby. He's the puke meister in my house. When there's vomit to clean up, he's your man. I have two bios and three steps. When OUR children are sick, my husband helps out. So why wouldn't he help out when THEIR children are sick? They are no less his children than our children are. When you have kids, you don't get the luxury of choosing to not care for them when they are sick. This applies to the dads just as well as to the moms.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
We usually do too...
I believe you have missed the point and are judging us unfairly, I will send you a PM.
Your question was...
"What is the appropriate response to a sick skid arriving at your house?"
My response describes what WE do when a sick skid arrives at our house. I wasn't judging you. I was answering your question as to how WE handle it. (If anything, I was judging those slack-ass dads who don't pitch in and expect the mom or stepmom always take care of sick kids/skids and feeling glad that my DH isn't one of them.) But whatever. If you feel judged, I'm sorry, but it didn't come from me. Sick or healthy, kids are germ factories.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Wait? Huhh....
How is Anne judging you? I'm sorry, but your response to her of 'missing the point' has me puzzled... how is she missing the point when you asked a public forum a question- she answered? I'm stumped on that...
My answer to this is pretty much the same with Anne's... we take the SKs, sick or not. When your time is already limited, (and I'm talking OUR time- not YOUR time literally) there is no other choice in the matter. MY experience with this is that WE make sure everyone gets regular flu shots, keep Air Borne in the house, and take vitamins- drink LOTS of orange juice, etc. I think the kids like being sick at our house better... to be honest. LMAO!!!
Think about this... you go shopping correct? Well, there is NO WAY you can 'control' what happens in the public venue. I was just shopping the other day, and the checker I happen to have had a severe cold. Her nose was running and as she was picking up my items to scan, a few times, she wiped her nose with the back of her hand... no time for a Kleenex (and just gross in my opinion)... but I have no control over whether I'm going to get sick when I put my items away or not. I have no control over whether I touch something a person touched before me in the store either. I have no control whether a sick baby slobbered all over that handle of the shopping cart in the grocery store. Getting sick, you have no control over. It's a crap shoot.
Now, let me just add this... I have a heart condition. When someone else in the home has a cold, and I 'get it'... I get SICK... dog laying down sick- ain't moving, bodying numbing sick. But I RARELY get sick, because I take all the precautions that I should take. That is MY responsibility, because I know that someone else's illness, is potentially MY health risk. It is up to ME, no one else, to take care of ME. I take the time to protect myself. That does not mean that I have the right to tell my DH that his kids can not stay here because they are sick. It means that I prepare MYSELF of the possibly outcome. I take Airborne, I take my vitamins. I eat healthy, drink lots of liquids, and pray for the best. Go to the doctor after three days and get the medications that I may need, if I need any. (By the way, I have yet to get sick in a number of years because of some of the precautions I do...)
Now, you can, however, protect yourself. Use hand sanitizers, and a good disinfectant spray in the bathroom, kitchen, areas of most traffic etc. Make sure bedding is cleaned regularly, and wash clothing promptly, etc. Don't put your hands to your face when handling 'germ' items. Anywhere Spray is good and an antibacterial. Make sure you have antibacterial soaps in the bathrooms, etc. Practice and teach good hygiene. Make sure everyone gets a flu shot and take vitamins to keep your immune system strong. Use Airborne the moment you know someone is sick and drink LOTS of fluids. I mean, all of this is pretty standard information, right?
If your pregnancy is at such a risk from colds/flu/whatever, you should talk to your doctor about your concerns, and he/she will be able to either provide you with something, give you information you need, educate you, etc.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I don't know how this has gotten so convoluted....
I have never expected the children to be "sent away" when they are sick. I have taken care of them numerous times when they are sick. However, this is a special circumstance where ALL I HAVE ASKED OF BM is to notify us when the kids are sick so that we CAN take the necessary precautions to prepare for them either staying here, or staying elsewhere. She knows the situation, and hid the illness from us, which put us all in a bind. I am sorry that you have a heart condition and get horribly ill when you get sick, and I am happy you have found a way to control your illness. Of course I take necessary precautions to avoid illness, like using hand sanitizers, etc... But it is not only my life I am dealing with, there are two unborn babies I have to be concerned with, so I really do need to be hypervigilent. I really don't think that simply being notified that the skids are sick when it is our weekend, is too much to ask, especially considering the health risks here. That said, with Anne, I probably acted a little bit sensitively, that will happen when you have hormones raging and are trying to figure out what to do with a sick child that is coughing all over the place. It was very stressful. Nonetheless, Anne and I exchanged PMs and I do understand that she was not trying to judge me, just to explain her own actions when sickness arrives, which by the way, is exactly how my DH and I respond under normal circumstances. I hope this clears things up. SD did end up staying with us, we are just trying to be careful, though the dr. may be necessary before the day is out, as she cannot control her coughing, her fever is back, and what she coughs up is a bit discolored.
Yes, but dear...
the point that I am making is that, you venture into a public venue daily/weekly, don't you? Well, you are already exposed to millions of germs a day... without notice... and you still survive.
And, yes, a courtesy call is nice... but sometimes, it just doesn't happen. (Never with us, just an... "oh BTW..." at drop off.) Therefore, stock your shelves for the 'next time'.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Its not fair to the at-home kids
We have the skids every other weekend and not a weekend has gone by since October that one or both of them has not arrived at our house sick. Last visitation weekend, they showed up with warts and colds. The visitation before that the 3 yr. old had such a high fever when she arrived that my DH had to rush her to the emergency room. My BS ended up being admitted to the hospital for 3 days as a result of being germed. Don't even mention that I had to miss work ( 3 bio's, 2 skids) this close to Christmas. I told DH that it makes no sense for the kids to be that sick all the time and that he needs to find out what's going on and get it cleared up and out of the way or that he was going to need to spend his visitation with his sick kids at his mom's or a hotel. Why can't this woman raise healthy children? She even LIED and said that she had taken the 3yr. old to the doctor and that the dr. said that he did not know what was wrong with her and sent her home with no meds...with a 102 degree temp??!!!! I don't think so. I love his kids in a detached sort of way, but I have to look out for the best interest of my own children even if his Ex won't do the same for hers.
Yes, actually I always let her know...
Yes, I do let BM know if my daughter is sick, I think it is just common courtesy to give her the option to decide if she wants her kids exposed or not. We are also in a special situation here, which BM is well aware of. She knows I am high risk, and that I need to be kept away from germs as much as possible. In this particular set of circumstances, yes, if my BD becomes ill, I will send her to my exe's. I already have this worked out with him, we have a great relationship incidentally. My biggest point here is that in any instance, but particularly ours at present, each parent should be notified when the kids are sick. All week, DH called to talk to his kids as usual, and all week she came up with excuses why he couldn't. It really seems like she was hiding the illness. And historically, we are the ones that end up taking the skids to the doctor's, not because they happen to get sick here, but because BM lets an illness go for too long before addressing it, and by the time they come to our house, they are so sick, it's just horrible. Over the years, we have taken care of many, many illnesses, had many trips to urgent care on the weekends, administered a slew of antibiotics, and cleaned up our share of throw up. Had we simply been informed of SD's illness, we would have had the opportunity to make other sleeping arrangements for the skids so that all of them could be taken care of appropriately without risk to anyone. Do you see my point? And then, when BM had put us in a bind that was risky to us and to her poor sick daughter, she complained that she was unwilling to change her dinner plans to accomodate not only us, but her daughter. That is just atrocious in my opinion. If anyone does not agree, I'm sorry, but I don't think being notified about a child's illness when you have a legitimate health concern that warrants needing to know, is an unreasonable request.
Thanks for comments and support ladies!
Well
I guess I am a bit** here but BM sent SS over with the flu once. I was furious. I do not want to be exposed to that and get sick and possibly have to miss work. The germs were already at her house and she should have kept them there. I followed him around with clorox and Lysol all weekend. I know that if I was a high risk pregnancy, I would certainly insist that she go home. If I had a baby in the house, I would insist that she go home. With her sharing a room with BD, I would insist that she go home. Sorry to be ugly here and judge me if you want, but this is what would happen at my house. You have to take your family's needs into consideration as well.
But...
Don't you consider your stepchildren to be a part of your family? Isn't their father, who is 50% responsible for bringing them into the world, equally responsible for caring for them, sick or healthy?
When you have kids, they're going to get sick. If you marry someone with kids, those kids are going to be in your home. Sometimes they will get sick. Hopefully, they will be healthy more often than not. I'm both a BM and an SM, and I'm trying to be fair to both points of view. I think a BM has to right to expect her children's father to share in the responsibility of caring for them, sick or healthy. Why should all the burden be on her? They are his kids, too. As a SM, I've never had a problem caring for sick skids. I never gave it a second thought. I never saw it as being any different from when my own kids get sick. I don't think my stepchildren are any more germ-ridden than my biological children. It bothers me how some view sick children with revulsion simply because they are not one's own.
Think about the number of germs on the handle of a store shopping cart... that's the worst! But I still go shopping and buy food. Naturally, I take every precaution possible to prevent the spread of germs and to keep healthy family members healthy, but I just don't think it would be right for me to shun a child just because they are sick. Ouch. I think that would hurt a child's feelings and I'm not going to do that. If you want to call that a judgment, okay, but again, that's just what I do and how I feel. That is how I believe sick skids should be handled.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Sometimes unique situations
Sometimes unique situations call for unique resolutions. If I were a high-risk pregnant mom, I would be hyper-sensitive to anything that could jeopardize my health. I get that. So knowing someone is sick, coming into my seemingly healthy environment would cause me to rear up and want to protect myself. So you genuinely have a unique situation and the good thing is that it's not forever, just until your baby is born. Only you know how far you should go with protecting your health.
While getting a hotel room for your SD and DH isn't the most ideal, it's not the end of the world. Again, this isn't a life-long situation, just a temporary resolution to a unique situation.
I think what has really exasperated the situation for you is that the BM didn't forewarn you and you felt you had no control over it. It was inconsiderate and probably motivated by selfishness on her part. Thank goodness that your DH took control and tried to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe he and SD can have a fun time in the hotel room and make it a special event.
I hope you remain healthy throughout the rest of your pregnancy. Try to find comfort knowing this is a temporary situation.
I understand where lcooper is coming from
I had a high risk pregnancy & had a horrible cold/flu thing going on. I coughed so much that my belly hurt, the baby would start kicking because he didn't like it & I would pee my pants when I coughed. In a word it sucked & I got it from my step son.
It was not his fault I got sick, however their mother is NOTOrious for not treating colds ect... when they begin. Just this weekend SS 7 had an awful cough, he had it on our last weekend & we went out & bought cough syrup & treated him all weekend.
I have a 5 month old baby who also caught the same cold & I have treated him along with myself & my husband... hello that is what you do when someone is sick BM. My dad got the flu & we stayed home alone on Thanksgiving because common sense says to do so. ( My stupid brother didn't)
I do have hand sanitizer on hand now( oldest ss had pink eye this fall as well) and the boys are required to wash their hands frequently cover their mouths when they cough & are not allowed to hold the baby if they are sick.
I think what is hard is that different people are not as responsible or quick to act as the rest of us. It pisses me off that ss7 has a planters wart on his foot & BM is too stupid to take him to the Dr to get it treated & screws around with home treatment. She did that with SS10 & he ended up having to have it lasered after 2 years of treating it herself. We are not allowed to take them to the Dr for stuff like that ( it's our insurance though) and ss uses my shower. I know if I get a planters wart I will be livid. I told DH I don't know if you & BM get this but they are CONTAGIOUS, hello where do they think they come from????
Sorry I digress, bottom line is if the rolls were reversed I would let my ex know our child was sick if I were in that situation. As a mom, I would not want my sick child being anywhere but home with me. ( of course I am in the stage where no one, not even DH or my own mother takes as good of care of the baby as me, maybe that will change)
Yes men need to step up & be responsible for their children healthy or sick, but a hacking cough, cold and temp are very hard on a pregnant woman. They can't take much for relief & this poor woman is in a two bedroom condo & pregnant with twins.
I hope you dodged the bullet on this one, when are those babies due?
Thank you!
I appreciate your kind words. I am due at the end of March, but already big as a house. We did end up keeping SD because her mother would not take her back and all other efforts of finding other arrangements failed. So, we were very careful, and just crossing our fingers at this point.
Thanks again for the support.
I understand completely
SD is always sick. She either has a cough or a runny nose. BM doesn't care because the skids are living with her parents and they like to get rid of them whenever they can. Which i don't say i can blame them. I don't have kids, but if i did and they were sick i would keep them b/c in my opinion i would want to watch them like a hawk.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The question was:
What is the appropriate response to a sick skid arriving at your house?
My response would be...oh honey, you look like you feel awful. Lets try and make you feel better...and I would take temperature, give medicine as needed, and make foods that the sick one could handle, and put sicky to bed. I treated SK just like I would treat BK. No difference.
Having said that, I had the unfortunate experience years ago of waking up with my son saying, mommy I don't feel good...and seeing that he had a pox on his eyebrow. I was 30. I had never had chicken pox. I was due to take the CPA exam in less than a month. I had weak lungs from a lifetime of asthma. OMG!!! I freaked and called his dad to see if he could take him. Dad said, of course! So my son stayed with his dad for 9 days, missing school and recovering. Too late for me though. I was already exposed and ended up with a full blown, horrible case.
So, in your case, it's likely you were already exposed to the germs if you have sd on a frequent basis. But it would have been nice if the biological parent could have given you a break and helped you out with this. It sucks that she didn't. But it's her choice, and you did the best you could. It's all you can do.
Hope you don't get the crud!