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Say it straight

Last-Wife's picture

Submitted by Last-Wife on Sun, 01/23/2011 - 9:16pm

Princess called all in tears tonight. Saying she doesn't know why people don't trust her and why everyone at college says she's two-faced. "I'm always so nice to people, and I'm honest, and..."

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled into the phone. (She got busted by me and her dad on January 7 in a major lie.) I told her that she was 18 and in college now, so it was time for me to tell her some truths, and I wasn't going to listen to her bulls#$@ anymore.

I told her she was acting just like her mother; that she was doing all the things that she hates that her mother does. I told her it was time to get help, to find a therapist. I told her she needed to discuss her mother's BiPolar Disorder with someone, and maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. I told her that her father and I are very worried about her, and I wonder if some genetics are kicking in. I told her I loved her very much, but I wasn't going to let her hurt me anymore.

She listened to it all, and then told me I was wrong, and hung up on me. (Her usual MO when she knows I'm right.)

I feel a little heartless, but she needed to hear it. She really hurt me by lying to me. And I don't let go of hurt easily. I can support her if she's willing to come to me, but I won't deal with lies. When she lies, she's just like her mother. And I won't deal with that anymore.

Comments

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Sun, 01/23/2011 - 9:28pm

Then you should address the issue of the lie. She did come to you this time. Going off to college and leaving home is a traumatic experience. If you're mad about the lying, address the lying. Don't let it carry over into every interaction you have with the kid. My x did that to my kids. It drove me nuts. He would be mad at them for one thing and totally be an asshole to them indefinitely about everything.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sun, 01/23/2011 - 10:04pm

I think Princess is trying to pave her own way in life, and like most 18-year-olds, has fallen down a few times. I lied to my parents a few times when I was 18 too, because I too felt like they were micro-managing my life. I felt like they weren't giving me enough space to become my own person. Eventually, I sat down and talked with them, and we worked out a compromise, and they agreed that as I got older and more independent, the restrictions would decrease. As I've gotten older, I've started to seek their advice out and really appreciate it.

Why does Princess lie to you? She knows that she's safe with you. She knows you love her and care about her. We often save our cr@ppiest behaviors for those we're safe with, the ones we love. That doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it, not at all.

My SDs are 14 and 16 and I too am a CP SM. I'm struggling with starting to let them "fly from the nest." They're starting to have boyfriends, jobs, learning to drive, etc. I've raised those kids for 5 years as my own! What seems to be helping so far is talking with them and working out reasonable boundaries, and restrictions that can decrease as they get older. I know Princess is in a different stage of "flying from the nest," but I think things can improve if you both talk about this and you let her know you love her very much, but you don't appreciate lying.

I agree she needs to see a therapist. Her college should have a counselor she could see and talk to about BPD. That counselor could help her find someone to talk to about the medical aspect of her bi-polar and borderline personality disorders.