My mom kinda put it too me that I seem to look for "excuses" why I shouldn't marry SO, and in a way that is true. My divorce did a lot of damage to my heart, but more so it freed me to finally follow my dreams and be who I wanted.
SO came along as I was in the halfway point of my return to school, I was in the thick of studying and interning, raising my kids 12 and stb18 (42 days) and working. He moved in, fought for his kids and now has a 6 and 7 year old week on week off. He's a charmer when he wants to be (which is fairly often) he's smart, but doesn't always believe that, he likes to work and is such a PITA right now unemployed because he hates it. He loves his kids but doesn't spoil them. He acts like my pointing out what I would do, or what his kids need is this awful horrible thing for me to butt in and say or do, but immediately turns around and follows my suggestion maybe with his own twist. We are struggling financially since my hours were cut to almost nothing, my exh quit his job and got his cs abated, BM isn't paying cs (SO is just now working on this as he is primary)I really want a job I just interviewed for so bad, because I want and need it.
SO sucks to argue with, he shuts down, pretends I'm not talking, walks away ignoring that we NEED to discuss things. Anything "difficult" he does this. He blames his childhood, as an excuse to avoid any conflict so it's hard to resolve issues and he reminds me of my exh in the black or white no gray area (compromise) way of thinking.
All of this is workable, I adore him, he loves me and treats myself and my kids well (he's working hard to figure out how to not be so hard on my son he thinks he has to "make up for" my exh)
Yet I don't want to marry, my wall is up and has been, I don't ever want to hurt the way I did with exh. I can't. I want to follow my dream and it means international work. I can leave, my kids would/could go with me and or are near grown and it won't be an issue for me. His kids are not. They will be pre-teens/teens when mine are both adults. He's said he won't leave without his kids and I'm not staying here I hate this house, this town, this state. International work could have me gone for weeks back for weeks. I don't know that he really can handle that like he says, that he would be faithful. (I have serious trust issues and he's had to be taught boundaries)
In the end it comes down to I don't want to marry him then have him use his little kids to keep me here, keep me from following my dreams, I don't want to have to choose him or my dreams, my dreams will win because NO ONE will ever, ever, ever control and manipulate me again.
But I love him so very much.