I don't have any advice since I have the exact opposite problem in that BM enrolls SS in EVERY activity to help him with his social problems. He plays (translation--warms the bench) soccer, baseball, volleyball, basketball, piano, and gets signed up for every afterschool activity -- it way is too much, but I agree with some socialization (especially with younger kids). We have activity places for kids (like Doogoland) where adults can go and interact with their kids and others in organized activities.

The thing your FH is not calculating into this scenario is you have literally no rights as a parent. You will end up with all of the responsibility but none of the authority.

You should both get some "blended family" counseling before you get married, because his expectations of you seem a bit unrealistic. You have the right idea. This child has a mother and doesn't want a second one. And you care about her, that's good too. But as you said, you can only be a parental figure to this child, not a mother.

The statement I heard over and over when I became a step-mom was "this is not your child." It's a fact I had to face that no matter what I say, do or feel, DH's daughter is not my daughter (and now I'll insert the thank god here :)). You will set yourself up for so much heartache if you consider this child your own.

Now I'm not advocating that you shouldn't love, care for or be generous with this child. That would be cruel to you, your FH and your SD. I'm simply saying (and I speak from experience), no matter what you do, this kid will never consider you her mother. Her step-mother yes....but not her mother.

Good luck and try to discuss family counseling with DH before marriage. This step parent thing is heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching and soul-wrenching. Not preparing your family for it will make it much worse. I wish I had know about this kind of counseling before marriage, as it would have probably made the last few years more bearable.

Keep us posted!

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

Be a parent but don't be too much of a parent. Treat her like she's your own but don't upset BM. Share in all financial and emotional hardships but reap none of the emotional rewards. Step parenting can be good, sometimes it's complex and as in my case, it can be awful. Don't get caught up in this.

I really think your success depends more on the mother's emotional state and the parenting skills of DH then it does on anything you do. If DH doesn't back you, you are hosed! Here is what I would suggest. It works in business and it's also helped survive this situation and begin to thrive. Yes, after 2 years of marriage, I am slowly starting to take ground with 2 teenagers and their insane BM.

Negotiate. If DH wants you to take responsibility, he must give you equal status as a parent. He must back you up 100% with child and BM. He must not question your decisions any more than he would the biological mother. If you make a call, he must support you. If he disagrees, he must confront you privately. If he is unwilling to do this, then tell him you will not watch the child as you will fail in this "parental role."

He must also agree that you are his wife. Your opinion and needs supercedes the needs of BM. You will treat the child as your own if he makes it plain to BM, in laws and everyone else that you are his wife and you are both co-parenting this child. Who cares what BM thinks? Create your own family.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"