second fiddle

It never seems to be a problem with discipline etc when the child is of both parents. When it comes to the step though, the boundaries are unclear. I remember my husband telling me that his word was final with his kids. That made me feel totally powerless in my own home. It also made me feel like I married someone other than who I met at the alter. Maybe because things have gone sooo badly with his kids here in this home, and maybe because we don't really see them anymore, I don't have as many issues and have detached into la la land.

I remember spending way too much time fighting with my husband when we had the kids regularly and I dreaded their arrival. When I say things like, let it be, don't fight etc. I'm not trying to trivialize anyone's experience. I totally understand. So to anyone who's posts I've commented on, please know I empathize. I think I can be a bitch on wheels, not that any of you are. I just know how mad I can get and that I would probably be the worst ex ever. I just don't know if it has gotten me where I want to be. The real question for me, is what was I thinking when I took all of this on.

Today is my anniversary and to be totally honest, I don't feel like celebrating. I don't want to go into this whole "I love my husband so much blah blah blah". I do love him. He is a decent human being but he is flawed like me. It is just that his flaws, make my life sooo difficult. His choices are very different than those that I would make and I don't agree. Even his choices about marrying and having children with his ex, are decisions that if I were faced with them at the time, based on the information he has shared, I wouldn't have done it. I've been laying in bed wondering for the first time, if I would stay in the marriage for my lifetime.

So even the problems we have had with the kids, the fighting, the disagreements, the pain....I've been looking at the man I'm laying next to and I understand that he is older and more mature than the man who married, had children with, and later left his ex, but he is still the same man. His programing, logic, decision making is based on the same principles.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I keep reading your posts and I want to reply, make it better, stop the madness, but realize that I am knee deep in it too even if the circumstances have changed or are different than yours. I just really want to thank Dawn for this site. Even if my input isn't influencing or effecting other's here, I have not had an outlet to even process what is going on inside me without feeling the judgment and blame from outsiders.

There are days when I feel so sorry for BM. I think how upset I would feel in her shoes, and then I slap myself because no one is having empathy for me. Anyway, my DH just came downstairs and turned on the light to wish me a Happy Anniversary and make me tea. Does this mean I have to have sex with him tonight?

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Kathleen, you sound so sad

Kathleen, you sound so sad today. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say something that could make it all better. I do know how you feel though. I've been venting about problems with relationships & this one guy this week. I had to come here to do it because I can't talk to anyone about it... especially my mom... until I've already made the decision to bail. My mom's reaction: marry him. Mine: but mom, he's a psycho. Mom: you're just over-reacting. Mine: Tell that to the bunny boiling on my stove.

But seriously, most times I bail & I tell others to bail when they seem so unhappy. This time is different. As an outsider it seems that you're going through a rough patch. It also seems like it's worth it to hang in there. To me, it seems like you have something real & it's worth fighting for. That's totally awesome & I wish I had something real again. I haven't had that since high school.

Maybe you could try being more assertive about what you want. That means you have to be just a little selfish & unconcerned about what others feel about it... but just a little. I can't think of any books right now, but maybe you can find some on being more assertive. Just a suggestion. Hope it helps,

Hipi

Thank you Hipi

You just made me laugh so hard with the bunny part. That made me feel good. A great way to jump start my day. And you know what, you might be right. I do have a genuine relationship with my husband. I'm always telling other people to take care of themselves first. I think it is high time I take my own advice.

I want to say don't listen to your mom but that isn't nice. But do seek the advice of those whose lives you would like to emulate.

Have a great day and much love to you.

Hi Kathleen,

I don't know a lot about your situation, but I was once a divorced single mom for 5 years and am now remarried. I dearly love my husband, but there are days when I long for my singlehood (I had joint custody and had my kids every other week.) That meant I had a week of just me, no one else to pick up after, or disagree with, nurture or support. It was the most profound personally/spiritually enlightening time of my life. I had been in relationships since I was 13 years old and those 5 years single were the first time I had so much time to explore who I was. Oh yeah- and my house was REALLY clean!

Now... I long for that personal time, but don't want to leave a wonderful man.

So I decided to embark on my own things away from kids, and DH. Sort find my own space to escape to and fill myself back up. I joined a writing guild, and am working on a full length play. I am speaking locally for women's issue events and at schools. DH is very supportive, though sometimes I suspect that as a typical guy, he wishes said ventures would be compensated financially. Oh- and my sister took me to a bead shop this week. It was something I never thought would appeal to me, but it is very cheap, you make your own jewelry. I made a necklace (with an ohm symbol) for about 5 bucks! The hours spent looking over the beads to pick them out while chatting with my sister, mom and niece were so calming and therapeutic.

Maybe finding something special for you alone would work for you.

Good luck.

And I'm sorry but... if he got up to make you tea than a little lovin' on your anniversary is probably in order. I know I don't always feel like making love to DH but as he is a typical, self proclaimed "men are simple creatures" kind of guy, I know that intimacy is what he needs to feel my love. If only they were as easy to please as we are.
Tea would be enough loving for me most days!

Peace, love, and red wine

Alone time...

It's so funny you mention that. I was a single mom as well for almost 4 years before I met my current husband. I've been yearning for those days recently as well. Last night, I was enjoying "alone time" watching what I wanted to on tv and enjoying the firepalce and a nice glass of wine after only having to cook for one person. Enter the hurricane. Kids wanted to show me all the candy, they all needed showers and little one was CRABBY (whining and crying) Then hubby stunk up the place after eating too much candy.

I miss it. Alone time. Maybe that would help me get back on track. Maybe a nice movie that wasn't animated.

Kathleen, how bout it? Taking time for yourself and quit letting those step kids and their mother get the best of you? I think we all need some "me" time. Everyone around you always seems to see inward, maybe you should try it as well (only in a constructive way).

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I'm going back to work

This might not sound like "alone" time or taking care of myself, but starting Saturday, I am going back to work. You guys may know from other posts that I am a Flight Attendant and basically haven't worked since I was pregnant with my daughter. For many reasons I'm back to the skies. Even though the job isn't nearly as fun as it use to be before 9-11, it is still a pretty fun job. I've avoided it because it takes me away from home over nights which I thought was a bad idea for my daughter. But now she is 2 1/2 and I think it will be okay.

The best part about my job. Sleeping in. Sleeping alone. Watching t.v. and yacking it up on the jumpseat with the "girls". It is a really social activity for me and I don't have much of that at home.

I could do without the blue polyester and the passengers but that is another story.

Thanks for your support. I'll take it to heart and see what I can do for myself when I'm home too.

I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and daddysgurl. I love your story about last night!!!

I understand

My baby started daycare today. I have worked at home with him since September. I am missing him like crazy, however it is nice to be dressed up ( even if I had to buy new things because I can't loose any weight these days ) and not worry about spit up and just to be able to just work.

Daddy is picking him & his brothers up tonight & I am leaving work at 3 pm to bring dinner to my co worker who had surgery a week ago.I never had kids in my life till 2 1/2 years ago so full time mom & step mom job tires me out. Plus I haven't had a good nights sleep in at least 5 months. Never thought being at the office would be like a vacation.

Peace love and red wine!!!

Great closing Zen mom. I wish we could all get together sans, all the acronyms, and chill by a fire, drinking wine, and laughing our heads off. Now that would be a great retreat!!! I sure wish you all lived in Texas.

Hey!

I live in Texas! Where are you located? I'm in Southeast TX... in the swamp.

Hipi

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