Please help me.
As I write, my DH is in counseling with his ex and their two kids. The daughter wants a modification to sever her responsibilities for visitation with her dad, and his son, is so mixed up, he's afraid to do anything without his sisters approval. I feel so responsible.
Yes problems were there between the parents before I came along. Problems would probably still be there. Last night after a couple too many glasses of wine, my MIL who works for a family law attorney, told me in no uncertain terms, "I told you to stay out of it from the beginning". Was she blaming me? Sort of. She was right though.
I feel that I caused a lot of these problems. I was jealous of my husband having children with someone else. I was sickened by the thought of her being in our life. I hated sharing my man with another woman, so I hated her. Every little spat, argument, whatever, I responded to and held up my fists. I started fighting her because I didn't think my husband was standing up for himself. I always felt watched every time the kids came to my house and I started becoming angry with them because I felt they were the mouth piece for their mom. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't but they couldn't understand why I responded to them they way I did. I wanted them to see the truth of their mother's ways, but I knew I couldn't really say those things. I must have found creative ways to get my point across and they heard it loud and clear. I might call that child abuse now.
I have felt that I got a divorce by marrying my husband. In some ways I agree with the posts, "DON"T MARRY A MAN WITH CHILDREN". I don't know what to do. I would rather he go away on visitation and my daughter and I are apart from him, just like BM is when her kids leave to see their dad. We have the distance too. Those kids need a relationship with their Dad but they don't need one with me. As far as I'm concerned my daughter is not their sister even though they share a Dad.
Just got a call from my DH after the session. The kids went home with their mom even though its DH's weekend. They talked about me coming to the sessions too but I don't want to. I feel like they are the family, the four of them. I am the outsider as I have been from the beginning. I'm not saying I will never go but I am very angry and what I couldn't tell my husband is that I don't belong and I shouldn't be here in the first place.
Well girls, my tears are blinding me. You have all been so kind and supportive of me. If any of my posts have been harsh, I apologize. I feel so overwhelmed and so incredibly sad it is paralyzing. I think this site has helped me to if anything, take responsibility for my part. When I read about someone doing or saying something that I did, but know is wrong, I jump all over it. I think I have had a tremendous influence on the decline of my husbands relationship with his family. I had no idea. I didn't mean to. I was trying to do the right thing. I thought I was supporting him. Now I've brought an innocent child into this mess and two other children are experiencing extreme suffering. Somehow I feel it is all my fault.
I guess that is a lot of blame for just one person but it is how I feel. I wish you guys could make me feel better.
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Comments
Big Hugs.....
for you Kathleen. You can't take all the blame. It is a burden that you can't bear alone. It's very bold of you to try and take the blame, but honey, it's not all your fault. We're human and in the posts I've read of yours - you have been trying. We are all jealous at some point, we're all bitter, and we don't know how to deal with these nightmare BMs. But it's HER insecurities as well, not just yours. I have caused my fair share of animosity between my DH and BM - and God knows I've made many mistakes but I haven't been the only one. The first step, for me, was just what you're doing, stepping aside and letting him take care of it. His children should not be permitted to abandon their father and their mother should absolutely not enable them to do so. That is absolutely not your fault, so don't allow yourself to feel that it is. Kudos to you for trying to take on the blame - but it is absolutely not hands down all your fault.
So wipe your tears, hon, and go give your daughter a great big hug and in those little eyes you'll see what a great person you are.
I could use a friend, too
This situation is NOT your fault. Your MIL needed a scapegoat to blame her precious son's problems on, you were close, so you took the brunt of her wine-ing. :? My feeble attempt at trying to make you smile!
If you hadn't stuck up for your DH as BM and the SKs were taking advantage of him, you'd still be fuming over it and to be perfectly honest, it would've only have gotten worse.
You did what you thought was best for you, your DH, and child. That's what any normal mother and wife does.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
d
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We all understand
I think all SM think the same way in some form or another. Some may admit it, some may not! BUT, your daughter is a halfsister to his other daughter! Please, for her sake dont take that away from her. GO to counseling! With them or without! Stand up for yourself and your family! Good Luck and Love Ya!
From one SM to another!
thank you
I am beginning to feel like the weakest person on the planet and I don't know how I came here. I feel so broken and I want so desperately to fix all of this. I really appreciate your comments especially what you had to say vickiemac. I do think I played into the drama. I hope by writing that, new Step-mom's will think about how they are meddling in a place that they really don't belong. I do believe strongly that BM has been a primary instigator in making the kids believe their Dad is bad. She's done and said so many horrible things about my DH and his family, probably me too, I don't know for sure.
When I told my husband that the counseling was find and good but she was a huge part of the problem and unless that was addressed it wouldn't get better. He said that the counselor should be able to handle it and what is in the past is over now and we should do what we can to improve things. What is that I asked? He didn't know.
Let's see, I fly those kids all over the country to see new places and experience life like they would otherwise never know it. I sacrifice my own closet full of clothes to buy them things, I make only the foods they will eat. I try to talk to them, take them with me on walks, invite them to make cookies with me, read their stories, play games. Whatever. I'm nice to them until they treat my daughter with disdain and then I turn into a ghost.
I definitely involved myself between DH and BM in the beginning. That was my biggest mistake. I think that is th best lesson I could impart on anyone else. Even if you're jealous, angry, resentful or whatever. You are probably right, and entitled to those feelings but it will not help to get involved.
Now all I can say is it is not my problem. I didn't make babies with these kids and I'm not responsible for them. I don't want their hostility and anger towards my child anywhere near me but I feel caught. What other options do I have. Leave my husband? Geez. No options but to keep talking to you gals and seek out advice.
How do I take care of myself and my child and still make a space in my life/heart for those other kids. When their mom isn't going to help. She blames and blames and blames. I never see her take any responsibility. She insists that her children are perfect when they are with her. These problems we claim only happen at our house. Does that make then not real. Does it make it all our fault. I think even that statement, in front of her kids tells them it's their Dad's problem not theirs.
What ever happened to: "your dad is a good man and he loves you. He left me not you" "I married him because I loved him, but we couldn't make it work, that doesn't change the way we both feel about you". "when you have a problem with your Dad, you need to talk to him about it" "your Dad may have different rules in his house but you need to listen to him"... instead of what is really said. In counseling yesterday she told DH that he needed to make deals with the kids to get them to do things he wanted. WHAT? That is not how I understand parenting.
How do you guys survive?