Sounds like you need to get a lawyer and go after him for the full amount of CS and also request that all communication now be done with a court appointed parent app. I know it seems overly harsh so fast, but it sounds like they are going to play hard ball and honestly if he's brushing you off and having his wife deal with it, it just proves he's not the one running this show.

I'm with your DH, this is between you and her father. Make it clear that the discussion is between you and him. Does your ex think that the women should sort out all the kid stuff? That would be a bit rich coming from someone who wants to be a SAHD...

I don't take this situation as you being a HCBM. You are doing what's right by you and your kids. Sounds like your ex is having his wife do his dirty work by having her respond to you. I wouldn't respond back to her email but, respond back to him and flat out ask him why HE couldn't respond to you. I would also add that your daughter has a responsibility to her team for softball and needs to finish the season out and that letting her quit is getting her out of an obligation she committed too (aka a jab at him trying to pay less CS) Because I am the way I am... I would also add.. your child support payments help pay for softball and  I don't want it to go to waste by just letting her quit..  or something along those lines. 
 

As for your daughter.. I doubt she would actually make a move to his house. She's probably just blowing smoke and they are adding fuel to her fire to get out of your ex's responsibility to your kids. 

To misquote Al Capone (can't find source) and Rhianna (FourFive seconds) - They are mistaking your kindness for weakness.  You can play hardball without being a HCBM.

So, you think that he wants his daughter there so he can cut back on CS, right? Have you considered that she would be such a convenient babysitter for the new baby ...? She would take a load off of his hands. Especially if she's doing remote schooling ... He could kick back and have her do all the donkey work all the while claiming that she does do her school work.

And I bet your daughter hasn't considered the noise (and smells lol) that comes with a new baby. Not to mention that she wouldn't be getting the attention she expects. She'd be wanting to come home in a matter of days!

This is so wrong on so many levels. You should be able to communicate with your DH without his wife getting involved. I feel your pain because I'm dealing with the same issues with a very clingy SM at my XDH's end. XDH has left all communication up to her to the point where I get daily texts and emails from her about random stuff that are completely unnecessary and none of her business. We had 50/50 care for many years but as soon as they were old enough to decide for themselves DDs decided to live with me 100% (last 2 years) - still doesn't stop the texts and emails from SM. To this day I don't understand what her motivation is. Only time it stops temporarily is when I suggest they should contribute to some of the living expenses (which they currently do not - they pay for nothing, yet are highly paid; doctor and lawyer). DDs still see them often as we live close.

Maybe let your DD work out for herself that they are not being genuine about their intentions and she will ultimately want to live with you. Chances are your DD and the SM will clash during the difficult teen years anyway... Only a mother can put up with the teen attitude. Unfortunately I don't think you should hold out hope that your XDH steps up. Seems he is delegating anything unpleasant to SM to deal with.

I would nip this in the bud.  I had a labor relations professor tell us that "companies get the unions they deserve"... ie if they treat their employees well.. no need for a union right?  Your EX gets the HCBM he deserves.

I would flatly ignore the email she sent you.  I would respond to HIM and tell him that in no uncertain terms.. HE is who you will talk to about your joint children.  From  your POV.. his new wife's ideas, needs or wants mean nothing to you.  That you have spent X years being the reasonable and responsible parent to both of your kids and bending over backwards to be accomodating to him.  It is flat out.. HIS option as to whether future communications are friendly and non confrontational.  He has been told clearly that you will not entertain any attempts for him to shirk his moral, legal and financial responsibilities to his children.  

Tell him that his wife's interference in your parenting decisions will end NOW.  She doesn't get to weigh in on what activities your child takes part in.  It isn't her place to tell you that she should quit softball... and while you aren't going to force your daughter to do a sport she hates.. that you will require her to fulfill her obligation to the season and her team... THEN she can not go back if that is her preference.

Tell him that you will flat out fight any and all attempts at changes in custody with tooth and nail and document every attempt by him and his wife to try to alienate your child from you and your household.  

Put him on notice that it is HIS choice whether things go back to the friendly co-parenting relationship.. vs a completely high conflict fight over these kids. . HIS choice.  His wife's attempts to undermine you as a parent are unacceptable.. and will not be tolerated.. put your wife on notice buddy.

Perhaps a very strongly worded.. not threatening.. just FIRM.. that you are done being a weeble.. willing to wobble whichever way they want to push you.  Mama Bear has emerged from hibernation!

I 

This is parental alienation, and it's being driven and supported by the stepmother.  I would call it what it is and stop communicating with her entirely.  

decisions regarding what goes on at their home, etc. are discussed with DH, even when it is DH's bio kids, it is a joint discussion, but as SM's we do not communicate what we decided or thoughts, etc. to BM, that is up to DH to communicate with BM. I totally understand why you are upset because it definitely is showing there is manipulation going on. I also agree with another user it may also be not only to reduce child support, but to have an at home babysitter.

I would send a message to your ex husband and say that you will not be communicating with the SM regarding DD and you will only discuss it directly with him. Obviously it is irrational to think the SM doesn't get to put in her opinion etc. on matters revolving DD, but that is for her to discuss with her DH, not with you.

Your Ex's wife is way too involved. She is comfortable telling you what to do with your children. I'd inform my ex that parenting is not a three-way & she needs to back off ASAP or you will be seeking max child support & a third party interference clause. 

We get along great now but we definitely had to have a come to Jesus meeting.

She was trying to dictate what pre-k my daughter went to based on what was close to her.  Nevermind it had a kindergarten readiness rate of 20 percent and wasn't anywhere near my home or his home.

If she is being such a bratty teen you could suggest a trial switch for a couple of months over the summer and let your ex and his wife see what dealing with a young teenage girl is like. - If it were me I would have her switch before the end of the schiool year so they get to experience taking responsibility for her schooling too.

The other thing that you could do is say to everyone that you are ok with it in principle but that your daughter needs to not make make this decision on a whim. If she still feels the same in x-months then you will talk with her dad to see what you can arrange. 

Just trying to think of ways that you don't have to be the one saying no and can let everyone else work out that it isn't a  great plan for themselves.

You've tried to play nice and it's not working. Time to lace up your b!tch boots and do what's best for your children. If that means going to court, so be it. Your exh is being a major POS.

Enough is enough with those two. You are not a HCBM, they are playing games. Lawyer up and get a new custody and child support order in place. I suspect these two will be relentless. 

It's ok to feel sad that a previously good co-parenting relationship is coming to an end. It's ok to feel frustrated that things could be so much better if only some people pull their heads out from their behind. It's ok to wish that things would just go back to the way they were before.

All of us on this stepparenting board entered into our relationships expecting things would be different. We were all willing to do the work to be the best stepparent we could. And for all our good intentions, sometimes things just can't be salvaged if we're the only ones doing the work and the other party refuses to participate. And after we've acknowledged there's nothing more we can do all that leaves is boundaries. An iron clad set of rules dictating acceptable behaviour. Consequences if rules aren't followed.

PS. JMTB, I’ve always admired the way you’ve handled your SS’s crazy BM2 and neglectful BM1. Unlike you, a lot of us would have trouble separating the anger and resentment we feel towards those mothers from our DH’s offspring. You really don’t deserve to have your kindness used as a weapon against you. 

The SM in your situation is definitely overstepping. It's one thing as a SM to be involved in routine daily care, making sure basic needs are met.

But at no time should SM be making"parental" decisions when both parents are involved in the child's life. 

An example SO would like SKs to go to church. BM is against it. DS goes to church, but it's not my place to overstep BMs decision whether I agree with her or not and start taking SKs. 

In the other hand.

SKs hadn't had a primary care Dr. From the time they were 5 and we're behind on school vaccinations. BM didn't want to get them a Primary and fought SO on getting one. I made SO get them a Primary Dr. because not doing so was neglectful. Kids have to have yearly physical and SO was getting notes from the school that the kids would not be able to attend the upcoming school year PreCOVID.  If he did not follow through the school would have contacted CPS for both medical and educational neglect. 

Whelp I am now up to date.