Grrr... my mother
Let me start by saying that my mom is fantastic. Truly she is. I consider her one of my best friends and she has always been there for me and my kids. However... like any friend/mom she can really piss me off sometimes.
My mom and I value things differently. I will dump a boat load of $$ into a crazy vacation or experience for my kids. I will not buy them all the latest and greatest technology or iphone or whatever's for a 11 and 12 year old. It becomes obsolete far too quickly, they aren't responsible enough, and quite frankly I don't want to raise entitled assholes.
My mom wants to buy my 12 (stb 13) yr old an apple watch and my 11 yr old daughter a gopro camera. We are talking $500 each present. I am SOOO against this. Just morally don't want them to have these things. I want her to spend time with them. I want her to do things with them. I want her to make memories with them, not just buy them crap.
We got into it today, she told me I didn't have a choice on what she buys them. I told her that I was their mother and of course I do have a say in what they have and I will make them return it. She says that it will just make me the bad guy... then I threatened no Christmas with me or my family.
So yeah... it got stupid. Now I am still furious that my own mother doesn't respect my wishes on this. I will not back down, I will force them to hand them back to her and then Christmas will be ruined. So that is just freaking awesome. Or, I just will not deal with my family and Christmas, which has never happened in my children's lives... even when we lived 3000 miles away, we always spent Christmas together with my whole family- either we flew to them or they flew to us.
DH said to email her age appropriate presents. Amazon has a great list by age and gender and there were plenty of things there that they would love. She could also "sponser" a shore excursion for all the kids for our upcoming cruise. She could also go with us! I invited my parents and DH's mom (his dad passed away). She could also find a concert or show or something to do with them! My kids love the arts- Musicals, Ballet, Plays... and we live in an area where things like that are going on all the time! But noooo... she is being as stubborn as me!
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Oh I agree with you
Experiences over a bunch of crap that doesn't hold the test of time. So I bought my one daughter s last year per her request an Amazon Echo, a Blue Yeti microphone, and drawing tablet. I've never one time seen her even open or use the microphone. She broke the tablet. She broke the echo. I have nothing to show for my money. This year they are getting tickets to see Hamilton. WE are going to drive or fly to see it. They are obsessed and love that musical. I'm not wasting my money on crap this year. So I get you.
YES!! It isn't like my
YES!! It isn't like my daughter doesn't have a nice cameras either! She never uses them!! Sure my son would love the apple watch but he already has a fit bit that does a lot of what the apple watch does. My kid are by no means denied things. I am just tired of the one up games. They need to value what they have and realize there is more to life than stuff.
If my mom dies before next christmas, what are they going to remember? Something like going to Hamilton with them or that she bought a watch that was obselte in a couple of years. When they tell their kids what an amazing grandma they had will it be becasue of memories or she bought them stuff. Life is too short for this.
I say let her. Your love
I say let her. Your love language is experiences (so is mine) and hers may be gifts.
My 12 yr old would love a GoPro! She has a cheaply v-tech one right now. Maybe have limits on use and make them put it in a safe place when done.
I personally wouldn’t make this a hill to die on. It’s great your mom is willing to get stuff that would make the kids happy.
I think your mother should
I think your mother should honor your wishes and not get them those gifts, especially since you are very much against them. At the end of the day you are their mother and know what is in their best interest. I think it was very thoughtful of your mother but she shouldn't fight you on this. Let some time pass by for things to cool off and revisit this topic and let her know that as much as you appreciate the thought you do not wish that for your children and graciously decline.
Hopefully she will take me
Hopefully she will take me seriously this time, but I won't let it become a fight on Chirstmas if she disrespects my wishes.
This would not be something I
This would not be something I would be willing to fight with my mother over. It's her money, so her choice of what gift to give. Of course, you're the mother of the kids, so you could insist they return it. But why? Owning an apple watch or a GoPro is not going to turn your kids into entitled assholes. Some people don't like giving "experiences" and don't value experiences like you do. My mom likes to give something tangible, and something she thinks the recipient would enjoy and wouldn't otherwise receive.
You say yourself that your mom is fantastic and good to you and your kids. Since you know her heart is in the right place, don't try to control what she can give her grandkids. Let her buy your kids what she wants to. It's *her* gift. Really, having those things is not going to undo the values you've instilled in them.
I get what you are saying...
I get what you are saying... it really does bother me that she sees herself as above me in making choices for my children though. She never would have tolerated our grandparents disrespecting her wishes.
I just don't understand why
I just don't understand why she is refusing to respect your wishes. YOU are their mother. You have expressed that you would prefer your kids didn't have these gadgets, which is a fair request. You have to live with them, and these devices can be intrusive. Once again, I feel the same about experiences vs. material things. This would make me mad also, especially when you are trying to raise them a certain way. I'm not sure I would let it ruin Christmas though. I'm really hoping she changes her mind before then!
Thank you! Me too!
Thank you! Me too!
Have your kids been ASKING
Have your kids been ASKING for these items, or did she just pick them at random and tell you this is what she's buying them?
I think I would be another
I think I would be another vote for "let mom give the gifts she wants" but only under certain conditions.
1. your mom has to be able to afford it. If she is scraping pennies to pay her power bill.. absolutely NO those are extravagent presents that she cannot afford to give and the kids cannot accept.
2. There is no pre-existing rule that is being broken in your home.. like the kids can't wear makeup.. yet your mom wants to give them a makeover at sephora and 200 dollar gift card for that store. or..the kids aren't allowed a cell phone but she wants to give them something that accesses the internet and you are opposed to them having that access out of your "line of sight".
3. It's a gift that is inherently dangerous. Lawn darts.. offroad motorcycle.. 4 wheeler.. firearm (in a home where the kids aren't already allowed to handle guns with parental supervision like hunting or target practice)...
One spoiling gift from grandma isn't going to turn them into entitled "aholes". But, perhaps there is something the girls have been wanting that is expensive yet might be more constructive.. a nice camera to hone photography skills for example. (as an aside I know a family that got their 11 yo a camera and now she publishes a yearly calendar of local watermen that does quite well.)
Your mom obviously gets joy from doing this... and as long as it isn't a directly injurous gift.. I say let her get these things for the girls.
She can afford them- ish.
She can afford them- ish.
My mom used to own a very successful business. She made a lot of money. There was never any questions about being able to afford it. Girls trip to NYC- Sure! Shopping spree for back to school- Absolutely! After she lost the company during the recession it was really hard for her. My parents are back on their feet but not like they used to be. So while yes, I am sure she is fine doing this, it will be tighter on her than it should have to be, she doesn't need to spend this kind of money on my kids.
No, not breaking any rules and not dangerous, just inappropriate in my opinion.
Ahh yes I myself have come up
Ahh yes I myself have come up against this issue with my own mother, her response to me is "It's MY money, I can afford it, and it's MY gift to give them!"
I have also instilled in my kids how important expensive things are and that they are to be treated with respect and when/if they break the items due to negligence, then that's it, and I can't afford to replace it.
This is the joy of gifts, they don't have to be practical as long as they make the receiver happy.
If Grandma gives your kids
If Grandma gives your kids these gifts this year, how will she top them next year? And the year after that??
Allowing anyone to circumvent the values you are trying to instill in your kids is wrong IMO.
My late FIL loved to spoil his daughters and female grandkids. He died nearly broke because of it, in an accident. Heaven knows how he would have made ends meet if he had lived another 10 years or so.
Exactly! At 11 and 13 if they
Exactly! At 11 and 13 if they get these, is she going to buy cars at 16... a house at 18?? Seriously where is a line drawn. I wouldn't be against these things for a 16 yr old or 18 yr old, or as a graduation gift. At this age, it just feel inapproriate to me.
My son is 11 and he would far
My son is 11 and he would far prefer an iPhone to a cruise. That's his preference. It's not better or worse or anything - that's simply what he'd like. You may wish that your kids value experience over items, but that may not be their thing. The idea of a cruise sounds like hell on earth (or water) to me. But that's me - obviously lots of people love them. I'd be pissed if I could have had an apple watch and got a shore excusrion that my mother wanted instead. Spending lots of money on a cruise or lots of money on tech are not morally different things. If that's how you want to spend your money, that's your choice.
But I'm a gadget loving staycationer. I hate the faff of travelling. And I happen to live in a destination city with no end of great things to see and do.
A cruise is on the top of my
A cruise is on the top of my kids Christmas list and birthday list and good grades list.... They love to travel so it isn't that I am dragging them on something they don't want to do. They are bummed all the time that we can really only swing them every other year. They don't want resorts or disney... they want cruises. It works for me, because they are my favorite too.
They like gadgets too, don't get me wrong. They have a LOT of them. Both have iphones and ipads. My son even has a 3D printer. They both also have laptops. They aren't "going without" in any way, shape, or form. I bought phones, they both bought their own ipads, and laptops were from thier dad for school. However, I don't think they need everything on the market. Some bigger ticket items should be saved for milestone birthday's and events.
Thanks for the responses
Thanks for the responses everyone. I have told my mother my feelings on the matter, if she refuses to respect my wishes... things might have a shift in our relationship, but I have decided to let it go if she does buy them those things.
Another aspect to this, is our family has never seperated steps from bios. If she does it this time with such extravagant gifts, there will be a real problem. I know that many of you don't feel that steps are worth giving gifts to, but mine are. They are my husbands kids and therefore my family. SS18 tells everyone that I am mom. His mom hasn't even seen him in years. Hasn't talked to him in 6 months. I don't know how long before that time. SS14- he is a good kid. He loves my parents and when he is here my parents always include him. They are "Mema and Papa" to him too.
I just hope she doesn't slight them in doing something so extravagant for my bios. Especially since I am against the presents to begin with.
well - that is worth
well - that is worth mentioning! \
I do understand having a mother who constantly overrides your wishes. And my mother (I don't think) does it from a place of good intentions. I'm dreading her visit this Christmas because I know that she's going to leave her cigarettes lying around like she always does and this has more than once contributed to me falling off the wagon. My son is lookng forward to a big gift because she didn't send him anything for his birthday. I said 'Don't expect anything. She will buy us all tickets to something we don't want to do but she does.'
(Though I'd love tix to Hamilton... that would be awesome. But the December ones are already gone.)