DH and I had a serious talk about SS
Due to what BM pulled with SS our lawyer is going to file another contempt charge. I was talking to my husband about some of my fears last night. The judge was very strong in speaking to BM and SS in court last month. He stated very clearly that if BM didn't follow the CO that she was going to spend 30 days in jail and that there may be a custody switch. He said that her behavior was inexcusable. He told SS he better get on the plane unless he wants his mom in jail (he said that because it is obvious how protective SS is of her). Part of that CO is that she is not to show SS communication between her and DH. SS sent us a screenshot picture of the email that DH sent BM and messages saying that he talked to his mom and her BF about it- so OBVIOUS contempt.
I told DH if SS comes out to us for summer and/or while BM is potentially in jail, I am going to send my kids to CA to be with their dad, even if it happens earlier than we were planning for (June). Things are going to be ugly and I don't want my kids to suffer. I told him that I 100% support him trying to be a part of his son's life and I get it. If there isn't dramatic face to face time increases and therapy- they won't be able to come back, at least any time in the near future, from the damage BM has done.
DH broke down, tears streaming. He is so afraid that if SS does come to live with us that he will wind up in juvi. He won't tolerate SS hurting my kids and he is terrified that it will come to that kind of retaliation. Then if something does happen he is afraid that my ex will take my kids from me and that I will divorce him. I tried to tell him none of that is going to happen, we have to take this one step at a time. He said you can't tell me that- those are all serious possibilities.
BEFORE anyone says we need to drop the case- stop. I don't want to hear it.
We don't have to do the custody change. My kids will be with their dad from June until the end of August. We have time to get SS in therapy with DH and time to work on things before we add my kids back into the mix. That is even a big if- he might just be out for the visit in June and that is that. Also, SS here with us in person is TOTALLY different than SS with his mom. With us he is a good, polite and loving kid. He seems immature for his age in all honesty. He is enjoyable to have around. It may be that way anytime he is with us- and all of my fears are unfounded.
We don't know what is going to happen. This judge hasn't actually taken a "real" stance in 5 years. What he said in court could have all been lip service because there is so much blatant contempt he really had his hands tied.
I guess this is all more of a diary- get it out of my head/vent than anything. Until something happens in court and/or SS is on a plane to us, we really can't do anything other than wait. I have cameras in the house. I have a plan for my kids. All we can do it wait.
- justmakingthebest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think your SS will be fine
I think your SS will be fine with you, as mine was with us - I don't think you should drop it now, not since the judge actually gave her a warning. I'd at least see where the judge goes with this latest behavior.
Your SS is damaged, but I think he's damaged like mine -not the type who becomes delinquent, but the kind who becomes depressed and anxious and internalizes everything.
I don't think he would harm your kids or retaliate, I think he would actually be happy for a custody shift, BUT - he'd still be under BM's spell and she would manipulate him from afar. She'd refuse to send him back from every visit. She'd interfere however she could (OR, there is the possibility she would just disappear entirely, as some of these mothers do when they finally lose in court).
If DH had a judge who saw through BM, he never would have given up. I would have supported him in not giving up.
Thank you Tog *give_rose*
Thank you Tog
The type of kid who does this
The type of kid who does this flip floppy behavior is an insecure, anxious kid who lacks a sense of self. He's not able to stand up to BM even though he probably doesn't like having to lie or do what BM asks. He doesn't really hate DH, he is just enmeshed with BM and feels like he has to care for her.
When my SS was in our house, he sometimes talked bad about BM and how much they fought. But when he was with her, he just couldn't retain any other perspective than hers, and was unable to stand up to her at all.
If you can get a custody flip, I think you guys have a chance to turn his life around.
The future cancelled visits
The future cancelled visits she likely will go to jail for as there will be no excuses. She'll blame covid for not sending him in June and it will be a slap on the wrist. I wish she sent him or went to jail of course but I usually have a strong sense how things will play out. Sad
But how will she cover her
But how will she cover her ass for showing SS the emails?
Yeah this one I don't know
Yeah this one I don't know about. She'll say he saw it open on the screen or something. Listen I hear you but it's being going on forever and nothing comes out of it. I hope for the best but people like this often get away with stuff
It is hard to put everything
It is hard to put everything on here.
SS sent DH a screen of the email that DH wrote BM. Ss said F you. I won't ever live with you or quit my job. Dont ever f'ing talk about my grandmother.
DH said you said anything about you living with me? (Baiting him)
SS said I heard mom and BD talking about it and made them show me.
-- no way to deny it now. He said too much. It is contempt per the current CO. Now what the judge does with that, we won't know until court but a contempt charge 30 days after her last contempt probably won't make him happy.
It's really hard, really
It's really hard, really really hard, with PAS whether you go to court or not. It's a no-win. It's all in the other parent's hands, ALL of it. DH is still struggling with OSD, it's now been a Year of zero communicaion from her. DH is still 'begging' BM (begging is my word because he is still thinking he can get her to see how bad it is for everyone....I swear I'm getting worried about HIM as he continues to fixate on this idea of being able to change BMs mind) to see the error of her/OSDs ways.
It's seriously becoming a problem - he's in counseling, but that counselor is for him, she's got no experience with broken families. I've agreed again to meet with the FAMILY counselor if he arranges it, just me and him. It's getting to the point where I cannot say ANYTHING right. I've been silent about anything to do with the SDs, just not and say "uh-huh" "ok" "that's too bad" etc. Because obviously I know nothing and don't understand.
I'm trying to figure cr*p out for myself about how to handle this, but I'm ready to make an (online) counseling appointment for myself next week.
At least last night after DH went off about something (I was actually supporting him on!) I said, I told him, "You think this situtaion doesn't effect me? It's in our marriage, this house, my relationship with the SDs, EVERYTHING and you think it's EASY for me?"
Inam so sorry you dont have
Inam so sorry you dont have support to. I am definitely grateful that DH is looking at this with open eyes and can see how things could affect me and is already trying to protect me and my kids.
I think he's so buried in the
I think he's so buried in the situation he cannot see / think clearly about it.
SS sent us a screenshot
Do you think there is a chance that SS WANTS her to go to jail? It just seems likely that he's aware she isn't supposed to show him emails, but then he sends a screenshot proving that she did? I know teenagers are dumb, but surely he knew that would get her in trouble...
I don't think you should drop the case now. You've finally gotten some sort of traction with the court. And you said you had a good visit with SS during spring break. I have a feeling it's always going to be two steps forward, one step back with your SS until he's truly an adult. But one step forward is still something.
No, I think that DH'S context
No, I think that DH'S context of the email was turned all around and Ss flew off the handle "protecting" his mom. I think we was that dumb for just a second but that's all it takes for us to have proof.
Thank God I didn't grow up in the age of cell phones. I would have gotten myself in a lot of trouble as a teenager!
I think SS gets to the age
I think SS gets to the age when he can't be forced to see his parent. I think usually at 16 you can't make them. It is sad but you can't force a big guy on a plane. This will be BMs excuse, I can't physically force him on a plane
Your bm will report, if asked
Your bm will report, if asked about the email,
...It was a mistake or she didnt know it was still up on the screen. Reading court papers, emails or letters, or over hearing telephone conversations is par for the course. It happens. What are you going to do next...bug her house?
Justmaking---your husbands 14 year old boy is sooooooo deeply involved with this mess. Why would anyone get the vapors that he read an email. It is not as if he is unaware of all this litigation going on.
I can't imagine courts
I can't imagine courts putting someone in jail for showing kids an email.
These judges did nothing to her for withdrawing SS for two years straight, withdrawing visits and calls. They won't put her to jail for showing him emails.
I feel for you but sometimes you engage in magical thinking of getting full custody and now him going to juvie (?), having her go to jail for showing an email and now he is a danger to you all and you even worry about your kids safety? He was just there and wasn't causing any problems, why would he be a problem in the summer IF he magically shows up. Going to juvie? Why? You said he had the best of times with dad just few weeks back. Why would he go nuts in June?
I fully understand DH is suffering but these lines of thinking just don't help anyone. It's great if all of this happens but you got to be realistic. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst . But realistic best and realistic worst
You guys are hanging onto a
You guys are hanging onto a tug-of-war rope and not seeing what damage it's doing. I say this as gently as possible. Please sit down and think about what others have said above.