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11 days until SS is 18

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 11:46am

It is so bazaar that we are still waiting to hear back from the court for an 18 yr old. 

Our lawyer filed his motion for dismissal of the back CS and medical cost (her 32K grab) 30 days ago and the court has yet to respond. Apparently we had to file this motion before we can do an appeal. This small town court just drags everything out so freaking long! 

I was thinking that we should probably send him something for his birthday. The past few years we have send some kind of treat to school for him so that he could enjoy it without his mom being all in his face about it or even taking it and passing it off as something she did or just trashing it. 

On the other hand... F him. He is old enough now and has been for a while to realize that his actions have had consequences. I don't know. I probably won't say anything to DH about sending something. DD's birthday is right before so I can just say I was "preoccupied" by one of the kids that wants to be in our lives if he brings it up. I am usually the one to arrange things but I am just not doing it this year. 

Comments

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 12:10pm

You are a really nice person so you are thinking of sending a gift but don't send a gift or organise anything.

If your DH does something, then that's on him but you don't owe SS anything at this point.  Think of his mom's cash grab as his 18th birthday present from you.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 1:34pm

The PAS continues to work so that is now on him as a stb 18 yr old.  Did he ever acknowledge your DH's bday over the last year or so?  If no then HELL to the NO!

 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 5:17pm

The answer.   A hard NO.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 2:40pm

I wouldn’t do anything honestly, if your DH feels compelled to that on him.  When I disengaged from Spawn DH had to remember her birthday and Christmas and actually do something on his own.  She got a card for her birthday and a card with tickets he won from a radio show for Christmas.  A far cry from the piles of gifts and trips I usually took care of.

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 3:16pm

He hasn't acknowledged DH AT ALL in the last 4-5 years. 

Nope. That statement right there did it for me. If anything is done, it should be your DH, his father. I would not be reminding...that again is for the bio parent to remember. I know this is hard....you are a good person.....but this is not something I'd do with how he's (SS) has behaved. 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 4:46pm

If DH wants something done, he can do it from now on.  I'd say you've done your bit.  Bye bye, SS, have a good life.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:38am

I have already told DH that I'm out. I'm not doing this stuff for him anymore. But then as things approach, birthday's, holiday's... My heart softens. But not this time. I am seriously out. 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 3:33pm

SS has already received his gift: the THOUSANDS of dollars you and your DH have wasted trying to give him a shot at a better life.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:37am

It's so ridiculous and makes me feel pathetic when I think about how much we tried for him and how shitty he was to us. 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Wed, 10/19/2022 - 8:16pm

Because SS missed one (if not several) of his flights to visit you guys, didnt he get get 1 non-transferable voucher for a future flight? I thought I read one of your previous posts about that because you were mad you guys couldn't use it for yourselves. 

If that is the case, Happy Birthday SS, enjoy your frickin plane voucher. You owe this kid nothing. You have wasted enough of your hard earned money, emotional and mental health, and time on this kid. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:27am

LOL that would be funny! Unfortunately that expired, we had to use it within 90 days. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:42am

I WISH I could post pictures on this site! Apparently last night SS sent DH a snapchat, just a picture of his face. He used to be a good looking kid. Now he has this over grown mullet, pierced ear with a cross dangling, just overall looking straight out of a ghetto trailer park or maybe more of a strung out George Michael in the 80's. I was disgusted when DH showed me the picture. This is the first communication from SS in 15 months.

Anyway, because my brain to mouth filter sucks, I was like "oh, he is dangling a picture of himself in front of you so you send him something for his birthday". DH said, nope, not happening.  I was shocked but just went back to the show we were watching and didn't say another word about it, neither did he. 

I hope for DH's heart's sake that he does keep that wall up for a while. He sends SS texts all the time. It is really pathetic to look at, nothing in response. DH saying that there was a good football game, or has he seen such and such movie or show. Talking about places to visit after he graduates, asking about school and sports. Just stuff that normal people have conversations about. All left on read. I think he had a goal to keep trying to reach out until he turned 18 and then that was the end. The rest would be left up to SS one day. I hope this isn't SS trying to suck DH back in. Maybe he just accidentally clicked on DH when he was sending that picture out to everyone else. Kids click like 50 names at a time on that damn thing. 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 8:16am

The ferals were somewhat cute kids starting out but turned bone ugly as young adults.   

YSS has a photo of a dirty toque pulled down almost over his eyes trying to look "tough" which he is  peering menacingly from.

And OSS is very proud of his huge, ugly tattoo which looks like one of those hypnotic swirl vortexes only without the depth perception.  And ladybug red to boot!

And yes I remember all the feeble attempts to suck Chef back into the guilt spiral.    Clearly an opaque move for the ass kissing to continue.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:36am

He sent the picture as a birthday reminder which is awful after the way you've been treated.  I've been amazed by how long and how hard and how unsuccessfully you two have tried with him year after year.

I don't have the same lack of communication with my SD61 unfortunately, but over the years, I've had constant reminders about her 3 kid's bdays.  The funny thing is, I've faithfully remembered every family bday for 40+ years without fail.  I guess she feels you can't be too careful.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 8:56am

I do like this idea. It has a nice little stab to it. Maybe some group for Father's rights....

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 12:30pm

yes I know its your birthday but your @ss so I'm giving money to someone else who can use it.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 12:55pm

Personally, I think sending a card every year and the messages is a good thing. At some point this kid is going to realize that he's been played by his mother. If there has been a constant attempt from Dad to be in contact it will mean something. It probably won't ever change anything but at least SS will know that his Dad tried.

I suggest a birthday card with a heartfelt message from Dad, saying that he's tried and tried and now that SS is 18, the ball is in his court. He's made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing to do with his Father and so now that's what he'll get.

Of course it could all blow up and now that BM isn't getting any money she'll ship SS to you and DH will be so overwhelmed that he'll agree to take SS in and suddenly you're life will be a living H@LL.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 2:24pm

I agree with this. Send a card and have DH write a letter (or email if it's safer and won't get intercepted by BM) and let SS know EXACTLY how he feels and that it is up to him what happens from there. 

No gift of anything just the card. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 1:24pm

If your DH wants to do something.... he will.. or will ask you to do it on his behalf.

Personally, all I think he should do.. if anything is a card with the message "Happy Birthday Son, I love you and hope we can have a relationship someday.. now that your an adult.. you can make decisions for yourself" or something along those lines.. just that he is open if his son ever gets the interest

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 1:45pm

In your shoes, I'd do absolutely nothing. Your DH knows the birthday is coming up and had said he's doing nothing.  If he changes his mind, he can get a card on his own.  You have bent over backwards for that ungrateful kid; it's time to start ignoring his existence. Let your DH manage whatever relationship he might end up having with his PAS'd kid, and focus on the people who deserve your caring.