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Answers to all those nagging questions

just.his.wife's picture

Submitted by just.his.wife on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 8:56am

SD, The answer is still no.
Not taking you out Prom shopping/ Prepping. Hell No to the Limo.
I really don’t care if you did all your chores this week. Or that you did all your homework this week (btw did you bother turning in the 16 assignments your missing in American History too?). Also don’t care that you have been going to bed on time. These things only count if you do them ON YOUR OWN. Your father having to scream to get you to do them makes them definite non contenders for proving your abiding by the rules of the house.

BM, the answer is still no.
Not reconnecting the cell phones, not taxiing your kids around, nor am I shelling out a few hundred for your kid’s prom. I am still not doing their laundry either.
If you want them to have cell phones here is an idea: you pay for them. While we are on the topic of spending money on your kids how about you take your daughter shopping for her prom dress etc? Oh yeah, that’s right, you only collect CS for yourself to use, god forbid it gets used on the kids.

DH, no I am not changing my mind.
Perhaps you don’t understand that even with all of you begging and pleading for me to re-engage, despite the irritation of having to say No a hundred times a day, this past week has been blissful. Why? Because I do not have to deal with your entitled, demanding, ungrateful spawn unless I choose to. Do you realize that in the past week you have asked my opinion/ input more than you have in the last year? Have you comprehended yet that in the past week you have defended me and demanded respect for me more than you have during our entire relationship?

You know how frustrated you are coming home to find no chores or homework done? How tired you are of having to yell to get YOUR kids to do anything? Imagine how it has been for 5 years for me. At least when you yell they move, instead of rolling their eyes, huffing or sucking their teeth. You have the power to hand them consequences, I didn’t. I just had to suck it up and deal and be reminded constantly that I was not their parent and could not punish them. And to add to my delightful life, if I took a problem with the kids to you, ninety percent of the time you backed the kids up. I was being too hard. Really hon, how is that working out for you now that you have to be the hard a$$?
Yes, I understand mine are out of the house. Now it is time for you to understand. I did my time, I have been paroled. My life is mine to live, as I see fit. You have many more years of a sentence left. That however is your own fault. You slept with crazy, made that bed, and divorce does not get you out of sleeping in the bed/mess you helped make.
I also understand that due to your paying CS and having to support 4 kids that I have more disposable income. Believe me I do understand that. What you need to understand is that I get to choose where to dispose of that income. Not you, not your kids, definitely not BM. Until further notice the disposal will be my savings account, with frequent trips to the mall, beauty salon, nights out with the girls, etc being used as appropriate repositories for the funds.
Yes, I know you want things to be the way they were. Because the way things were had me stressed and frustrated, angry and irritated all the time, while you kicked back and played the fun parent. I like the new way better. It is sticking around. Do you realize in a week I have not had to take one Xanax, unlike the last several months when I was taking 2 or 3 a day? Don’t worry, when your PCP prescribes them for you I still have most of a 30 day supply left.

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just.his.wife's picture

Submitted by just.his.wife on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 2:20pm

I should have clarified in my original posting- this post was the answers each one got last night as one at a time they attempted to corner me to get their own way.

Not a hypothetical wish I could send this email to someone- this was actually said face to face (or in BMs case text to text)

just.his.wife's picture

Submitted by just.his.wife on Thu, 04/26/2012 - 9:09pm

BM answered with a barrage of texts that actually came in so fast it confused my phone and it continued chirping that I had a new message for half an hour. No, she did not text the whole time, the phone was just seriously confused. Summation of her dozen texts was that I have no idea how expensive it is to raise 4 kids (she has them 50% of the time). My reply to her was "I will trade the costs for your four, for the cost of the six DH and I have together. And we pay CS, we don't receive it and pay two college tuition's." She stopped texting me.

SD was furious. She deserves prom. She's worked SO hard (that's why she has 2 D's and an F) blah blah. She got no where. Except to be told to go do her laundry and homework. She went whining to DH which is how he and I got into our discussion. He did seem to comprehend I do not hate his children. I hate the way they act. I hate their demanding, entitled, better than thou, half-ass trying, just skating by at life but you need to reward me for any effort I make personalities. His excuse was they get it from their mom, that she has a welfare mentality. I did point out to him it takes two to tango, two to parent and if they are all taking after mom then he is failing to instill HIS values into HIS children.

DH claims he was unaware that he was always backing the kids up. It just seemed I always told them no. Yes I do. They get told no anytime their grades suck (nearly always) their attitudes suck (always) or their chores are not done (again nearly always). They could easily turn no into yes by fixing the problems that are causing me to answer No. That it was his responsibility as their father to act like a father and demand of them what they are capable of delivering, not allowing them to skate. His point is BM has them half the time so he can't make them perform at her house. No, you can't. You can however make life here so intense that either a) they choose to tow the line at moms and get their grades/ attitude// behavior in line or b) they suck at one house, excel at the other and meet in the middle with a C average. He is being a lazy parent. Yes it sucks to have to be the heavy, I was for 12 years while my ex played disney (literally annual passes going once a month) dad. But someone has to parent kids.

Of the group, DH took it best. Or he is just agreeing to shut me up/ get laid. 50/50 odds. But my $ is still in my pocket, I am not headed to the mall, I am not a taxi/tutor/doormat. I can accept the outcome thus far.