Drawing the line as a step parent!

So the post the other day about the nose piercing got me thinking about how much say as a step parent do you have in the things your step kids do. I am not talking about the step parents that have their skids FT or even 50/50 or the ones with absent BMs weather they are deceased or in jail or other circumstances. I am talking about your standard EOW a day or 2 during the week visitation, with BMs being the CP weather they are useless or not.

I do not consider myself a stepmom, I am BFs girlfriend and one day his wife. That’s just me, the skids do not live with us FT and they have a mother, regardless of my opinions on her lack of parenting I am still NOT their Mom. The only thing I involve myself in discipline when they are in MY home. Their Mother gives them none they are aloud to run wild and act like wild zoo animals at home. I will NOT have that in my house, I will not have my house and my kid’s lives turned upside down by unruly children NOPE NEVER going to happen. BF has been taking my side on this and is on them like white on rice. This is where I draw the line.

I do not go to any of their back to school nights or parent teacher conferences, it’s not my place they have 2 parents. I will attend plays and shows, but anything that requires parental involvement or decision making I stay out of it. BF will ask my opinion on things and I will give it to him since I have some more years experience in this thing called parenting. As they grow older I have no intention of getting involved with things that don’t concern me. If BM gives them permission to do things that I don’t agree with, hey it’s none of my business, if she doesn’t allow them to do things I think they should, hey none of my business. This goes for anything, piercings, tattoos, sports, and clothes whatever. I feel it is not my place to say anything. They are not my kids. It is however the opposite on my end my EX is not involved in his children’s life, he is nonexistent so BF does take on the father role and he is wonderful with them, he comes to parent teacher conferences, back to school nights, sports and doctors appointments, but in the end the final decision always falls on me since they are MY kids, so even he draws a line.

No offence to the OP of the piercing post it just rubbed me the wrong way and got me thinking as a step parent what do you really have a say in. I focus on my bios and what goes on in their lives.

Just wondering how other stepmoms feel?

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See all of that is no an

See all of that is no an issue in my home, I am not required to pay for anything, nor do I do any of the above chores. When they are with us, he washes their clothes, he cooks for them. I do not know your situiation with your DH or BM, yes BM should have talked to DH and if she did then went againt DHs wishes then it would be a situation for DH to deal with BM. The kid did not do what she wanted, she did get permission from one parent. Like I said I do not do any of the above mentionted chores and maybe if I did I would feel otherwise.

I did state no offense to the OP so this....Don't go there darlin' I find to be ummm what's the word I am looking for out of line. You are obvioulsy way more involved with your skids lives then EOW.

the "don't go there darlin'"

the "don't go there darlin'" is her signature line

OHHHHH DUH sorry Foxy lol,

OHHHHH DUH sorry Foxy lol, those confuse me even thou I have on, damn interwebz lol

Wow, you are like my clone!!!

Wow, you are like my clone!!! Lol

I am and feel the EXACT same way about skid and bm and anyting in regards to either of them. I want NOTHING to do with skid. He has a mom and dad and I have one son who also has an absent parent. HE is MY CHILD and HE and only he will get all of my attention, time, money, love etc. My BF pays damn good CS to his DB-XW so she can make due with what she gets and she/skid NEVER get a penny more!!!

Thankfully my BF and I are on the same page about skid and bm. They have no power/control over our lives or what we do etc. he unfortunatley has to pay a shitload of CS every week BUT once that's done BYE BYE have a nice life bitches!!!
When my BF and I get married next year what I/We say in MY HOUSE goes...whether he decides to continue his EOWE or not all rules apply to everyone in MY HOUSE!!!Period!!!

CS another thing I do not

CS another thing I do not involve myself in, he pays what he pays. WHat she does with it is her business and when she asks for more, he tells her that is what I pay CS for. When it comes to sports or other activites BF does help but he pays direct to the party, rec center, after school ect. If they need things for sports he will take them shopping, no money goes to BM other then what she gets though CS.

My BF pays 230.00 per week in

My BF pays 230.00 per week in CS for one child plus he has to carry skid & BM on his insurance. BF doesnt give either of them a penny more than what he pays in CS and IF he did/does you better believe I will MAKE CERTAIN that he doesnt give that bitch a penny, but pay whomever directly or do the shopping himself. Thankfully my BF cant stand BM and knows her games and that she is a greedy POS sooo...he already knows NOT to give her anything more than CO-CS....

THIS!!!! I ain't saying she's

THIS!!!! I ain't saying she's a gold digga but..............lmao

I focus on my bios and what

I focus on my bios and what goes on in their lives.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me too!! The only thing that I really got involved in was his last year of school because he was going to fail since BM and DH did NOTHING and I was not having him fail and live with me for another year.

YEs if it meant the child

YEs if it meant the child living with you then being involved it the right thing to do. Me personally would not get myself in a huff if one or both of the skids came over with a tattoo, or some crazy hair color or wearing some stupid ass clothes. Even if BM did speak to BF about it and he didn't agree. It's not my problem it is not my kid, it does not affect my day to day living. Let me repeat myslef. If I had to pay for them, take care of them, feed them then maybe I would feel different, but I don't soooo who cares what BM lets them do, when it disrupts my home then that is a whole other ball game.

I don't have kids of my own

I don't have kids of my own and SO has 2 boys, 9 and 11. He and his Ex make all of the decisions. I make suggestions when I see something that they have never thought of, but I dont get offended if they don't listen. After all, they are the ones responsible for how these 2 kids turn out, not me.

Things I have implimented that make me feel better about the boys growth:

Washing their hands after using the washroom
Stopped nose picking (if only in public)
Have now taken 2 sessions of swimming lessons
Wash their own bedding if they have an overnight accident
Make their own breakfast (I'm still pushing for lunch) and clean up after themselves
Put all of their stuff away before leaving between 2 week visits (Don't even know if they ever noticed I'd throw out the stuff left out)
Pack their own bags to go home (this way they can't blame SO for forgetting something. Makes them responsible for their own things)
I have suggested SO stop taking them for take out all the time... that has yet to change.

I don't ask much of them. I wouldn't ask anything of them that doensn't pertain to them. Wouldn't ask them to do my laundry or mow the lawn (unless they wanted to earn 5 dollars) I expect to treat our home with respect and respect that their Dad and I live here full time even when they aren't here so they need to leave things tidy in the meantime. When they are here there are certain rules to follow whether they have the same rules at their other home or not. I leave it up to SO to follow up on those things as he is their parent and he should be the one doing so. If he fails to do so, I follow up with him, not his kids.

I have never overstepped my role. I do not consider myself their "step mom" either. I am their Dads girlfriend. They have a full time Mom and they really love her. I have no reason to try and get involved!

We only have his kids every second weekend so I have never had a need (nor do I ever expect I will) to contact BM. I have met her quite a few times and we get along well. I haven't been in her home (nor do I plan to) and I have also met her family and boyfriend. The more uncomplicated we can keep it all, the better it will be for their kids in the long run. Out of anything, I'm glad they are on the same page about that. Neither of them bad mouths the other parent to the kids. That is definately a blessing.

I guess after 2 and a half years, SO and I have finally figured out what works for us. His kids won't be here unless he is. I am his girlfriend. Not a babysitter. I am dating him for him, not to have anything to do with his kids. He knows I don't want anything to do with his kids if I don't have to and he actually respects that!!

Washing their hands after

All of the above are things that a child should do and those are the rules in your house and what they do at home is not your concern. I guess that is my point in all this.

I have to learn to mind my

I have to learn to mind my fucking business and to adapt to the NOT MY KID NOT MY PROBLEM method that seems to work for a lot of you ladies here. SS19 lives with us full time. He works full time and will be starting community college next week. He does NO chores, pays no bills, comes and go as he pleases and it drives me up the fucking wall. I do not think DH is doing his job to parent this kid. Same goes for SD12. She comes EOW and DH lets her do whatever the hell she wants. She has no bed time, no bath time, brushes her teeth one day and not the next. Just fucking nasty and I have taken over as a PARENT to her as well. For what? For absolutely nothing. DH doesn't appreciate it, Skids don't like it, BM rebels against it and me? I'm just causing myself stress. So this weekend when SD12 comes over I will be leaving ALL parenting to Disney Dad because I will not be available to do his job for him anymore.

See that won't fly in my

See that won't fly in my house, my house my rules. Bf does back me on that. Brushing teeth, bed times, ect are things all kids should do and know, their lack of those things would affect my home. One coming over with a tattoo or piercing or some crazy haid does not affect my household.

When SS was 16, he was

When SS was 16, he was already living in our house. He went to visit BM for the weekend and came back with BOTH ears pierced. I threw a bitch fit and convinced DH to make him take them out. I felt that BM only let him do that so she can assert her RIGHTS as a mother and that SS doing it while he was with her was a slap in our faces. We were trying to teach him a different way of life and then he goes and does some dumb shit like that. Fast forward to when he was 18, he called his dad and asked him if he could pierce his ears again, DH asked me, to which I said, if he was my son I'd say NO, but he is not mine, he is yours, so you decide. He said OK to SS, which I guess was fine, he was already 18. A few months back SD12 came over with a dyed blonde streak in her hair. I showed it to her dad because she was hiding it by combing her hair to the other side. DH made a stink about it. Now that I read your post I too believe that you're right. It's not affecting me why the fuck do I care? I guess up until a few weeks ago the answer to that questions would have been "because I know one day this little tramp will end up living in my house and if we don't get some control while she is still at a controllable age, all hell is gonna break loose." Today the answer will be "Not my kid, not my problem. I DONT FUCKING CARE."

She is 12 if there is no

She is 12 if there is no control now, the chances of getting it are slim to none. As far as SS he lived with you, so if it is something you are agianst then you are well with in your rights to have a say in it. Maybe some of it is me, I am very laid back on certian things. Piercings, hair color or cuts, hair grows back or out, piercings can be removed and no one is any wiser, as kids let them express themselves with dress or whatever. For me as long as grades and behavour remain in check then have fun with it, I have some crazy colored hair when I was a kid, wore some of the worst clothes I was a teen. I do draw the line on clothes for my BD that are ummm how to say this hoochie looking, tattoos 16 with my approval. You will not tattoo Superman to your ass cheek. If it is something in memory of a family memeber or something that means a lot to you then yes I will give my consent. These are my bios, I don't care what BM lets the skids do. If one of the boys tatoos Mickey Mouse to his ass cheek at 15 this in no way affects me.

Again, this is something I

Again, this is something I need to learn how to do. I am way too involved in my Skids lives. Because like I've said many times before, I am a control freak. But I am willing to make changes. Changes for my own sanity and for my well being. My Skids are NOT my kids, I need to remember that and if I can remember that, I might be able to get better at letting them turn into big pieces of shit and it not affecting me.

I'm on the same page. I

I'm on the same page. I don't get involved in any SD12, BM or DH crap. It's easier this way. My job is to raise BS12. DH does treat him like his own son because my son's father is not in his life. But at the end of the day I make all major decisions regarding BS12. SD12 has "2" parents.

Prime example: Due to BM, DH is having issues renewing his drivers license. We are waiting on some important paperwork that she actually received and trashed. We usually get SD12 every single weekend (never fail) whether BM is working or partying or deciding that she just needs a break from her only child DH usually does all of the drop off pick up. This is a 4 hour round trip every single Friday when you factor in our commute to work and where BM lives. Then on Sunday it's a 2 hour round trip to get her back home. Sometimes BM is there sometimes not so it can be late before he get's home on Sunday (10pm). Oh and BM and/or SD never even bothered to call DH until Friday's at 5pm to tell (not ask) tell him to come pick her up. Seem to me BM could at least meet him half way. I used to voice my opinion on this and then DH said that I had no clue regarding pick up and drop off since I never had this with my ex. Well that just about did it for me and I backed off. It was clear as day that my advice was not warrented nor needed. Fast foward to today and I'm basically DH's cab driver (we work for the same company). Let's just say I haven't seen SD in a month. DH hasn't said a word about going to pick her up and neither have I. The way I see it she has 2 parents and they should be able to work this out between them without me. They better watch out though because DH is kind of getting used to having his weekends back. Cuddling in bed with me on Saturday mornings. Grocery shopping with me and having Saturday afternoon dates and Saturday night adult time. He's such a pleasant person to be around now that he's not doing all of that driving every single weekend.

The BM in your life sounds

The BM in your life sounds alot like the one in my life. My SDs get away with way more than I would allow if they lived with us!

To answer your question... I always felt it stinks being SM. I'm trying to keep everything balanced and fair in the house because I have my BSs too. But as my SDs are getting older, I'm finding it more and more difficult. One or the other... or BOTH argue with DH about anything he asks them to do. From taking a shower to cleaning up. I have stepped in to help but the more I read on here I'm wondering if I should. I'm trying to figure out exactly what everyone means by disengaging, how to do it, why and when! I don't see how I can completely step out of the picture because I feel like SDs will have more advantages then my BSs.

Funny you mention nose piercing. I have always been annoyed that BM allowed her older daughter from a previous relationship have a nose ring, piercing above her lip, piercing on her lip, tongue ring, several tattoos, and eye brow ring.... all done the age of 12 and 13!!! This past weekend SD13 said that her older sister (now 17) told her she would look good with a nose ring. She now wants to get one. DH tried to discourage it. I kept my mouth shut. I already SD19 who hates me... I'm really trying to save my relationship with SD13 and SD10... I'm worried that things are going downhill no matter what I do since BM, older sister 17, and SD19 loves talking bad about me in front of and directly with SD13 and SD10.

MY FDH has EOW and dinner

MY FDH has EOW and dinner every Wednesday night. His daughter is 14 going on 35. I stay OUT of it except to offer an opinion - when asked. If I offer an opinion without being asked it always seems to go badly.

FDH and his ex are this girls parents. I am not. I don't want to be her parent even if I could be. I have my own lovely child.

I am embarrassed about my SD. She has a nose-ring, dyed hair and she is quite unpleasant. Her schooling is a joke, she 'attends' an online high school where she failed half the classes last year. This year her counsellor suggested she go to regular school for math and phys ed. I'm humiliated because my friend is a teacher at the new school she'll be attending.

I don't want anyone to think I had anything to do with this kid. Not my kid, not my problem!

I don't pay ANYTHING towards her expenses. That is up to her parents. Personally, I don't understand why some SM's get so involved only to get hurt over and over. Why? Let the kid's parents raise them!

Yes this is how I feel. As

Yes this is how I feel. As far as being humilated, I have been there out in public, not by how they look but how that behave. I have on more then 1 occasion said to on lookers THEY ARE NOT MINE. I have since taken a more active roll on how they behave when they are with us, but it stops there. For me appearance does not matter much as far as hair, cloths and piercings. I will not be out with dirty looking kids. One thing I can say about BM they skids are always clean and dressed well when they come to us. I think that is more about her, the kids are accessories(SP) to her so they always look their best. Not complaining.

Tasha....why does he have to

Tasha....why does he have to carry BM on his insurance? I can see the kid, but the BM? That's CRAZY!

As far as I am aware it was

As far as I am aware it was part of the divorce agreement. He only has to pay for the family plan itself and her bills are on HER! I think it is nuts too...but if for some reason the amount he has to pay for his insurance goes up then she has a choice to either get her own or to pay the difference on the increased amount he has to pay.

I am kinda wondering if/when we get married how that is all going to work out because I am going to be a SAHM soooo...I wonder how the Ins Co. is going to look at that one lol...

Him, skid, XW, and new wife....hmmm??? :?

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Drawing the line as a step parent!

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