Just a vent...DH irritating the hell out of me...
DH and I had a huge blowup on Tuesday AM over BM and her taking SS out of the state again on her weekend. The kid actually fell asleep in the car on Friday night and woke up Saturday morning alone in a hotel room. She had a triathalon and had to go...She let SD15 take a friend and they were hanging in the lobby playing on the internet...Of course!
Well I kept thinking since this is the 2nd time and I voiced my concern over the last time when she took him out of state to go shoot guns with her husband's hillbilly family, he may say something to her. But, no...I waited until Tuesday at lunch to tell him that either he did or I was sending her an email. Keep in mind I have no contact with this woman. I have written emails over the years and never sent one. I did once send a letter when she involved my BS in her lies with SS.
I asked him to handle it with her or I would. Simple, right? No, it turned into a knock down drag out fight that we haven't had since SD left...He screamed at me that I wanted drama and it was none of my business. Yada, yada, yada. I lost it. He was told that he had 24 hours to do something or I would. Called him weak and that he was afraid to confront her. He sent me back an email after lunch that there were 18 visits left and I just needed to let her be. I swear I was seeing red. I told him it takes one time for something stupid to happen to him and then what was he going to do? Something after the fact? Knock down drag out yelling. Well I have had meetings every evening with one of my volunteer committments and I have ignored him completely. Even staying downstairs until well after he was asleep. By Wed. afternoon I get an email from him with one sentence that says "My lawyer is contacting BM's lawyer about the need to notify me if she is going to take SS13 out of state."
Nothing more...My reply: You may want to include your daughter since you still have legal custody. This only covers you if something happens legally. But, then I am just the bitch you married and know absolutely nothing…
We have had very limited communication since then. Just passing conversation around the kids. But, nothing to each other. This is the first night all week that I have to be home and I am thinking of making up a meeting and going shopping. I am so angry at him.
My reasons for still being mad...I don't know if he is just telling me this to shut me up. No verification. Also, why did it have to come to a knock down drag out argument for him to do the right thing where SS is concerned. Also, during the argument he compared me to his Bi-polar mother. All because I wanted him to protect this kid. The kid didn't want to go and this is now the 5th time she has taken him away in the last year without telling DH. Not to mention all the ones with SD. But, her I don't care about. This time it was just the 2nd time he was in a hotel room alone in a strange place all day while she runs and her hubby watches. Not to mention the shooting. Normally I wouldn't care about it, but this guy has already had two criminal children and is a hick, so I am sure all safety protocol was not used...Also, SS has a lot of developmental issues so he won't say anything.
It should not have to come to me begging him to do something. He also, indicated that if I sent it, that he would rebutt it to the BM and undermine me. That irritates the hell out of me. You are going to make me look crazy to BM...
I took off Wed. morning to go to school and sit through a meeting about the school carnival for SS's class. I don't need to do this...I am doing it for SS, because he asked. BM has never volunteered for a thing until SS sued her to live with us. And, now DH threatened me this way. Really? I am the one raising this kid for her, because she has alienated SS so bad.
Also, the other thing is he never apologizes. Ever, so unless I give in and let this go, it will go on and on...He actually brags that in his family no one apologizes. Which is why they are not welcome here. Another thing he yelled at me about during this fight.
So frustrated and trying to figure out if I want to bend yet again. As for BM, I really want to tell her off...But, again I can't because DH won't let me...If my first husband had forbade me to do something, I would have laughed my ass off. But, why because of this blended family drama do I allow DH to dictate to me like this?
My intentions were good here. His was just to stick his head in the sand and wait 8 more months....Ugh!!!
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I wanted to add, the last few
I wanted to add, the last few visits SS is making himself literally sick before she comes. And actually threw up at her house on the 2nd weekend since this agreement was met. DH won't say anything to her. Two weeks ago SS had a migraine and was sleeping before she showed for her 6:00 PM mandated pickup. DH was going to wake him up and make SS tell her that he wasn't feeling good. I said no, you are not going to put this on him. You tell her. You are the parent here. You walk out and tell her. He did, but she insisted that SS come to her house since he was going to sleep anyway. MOTY....
I am so frustrated, because I feel like I am the only one that cares about this kid. DH and BM can't see past their hate for each other to do the right thing. She feels she doesn't have to tell DH a thing and DH refuses to deal with her...That is exactly why you have spent all this money on lawyers, because you have to have someone else do all the talking.
Life has been so good the last 2 months since the CO was agreed to, although still not signed, because BM is still delaying. I just wish this woman's bad parenting didn't bother me so much. But, you asked me to love this child and now that I finally want him around and like having him around, I have no rights to have an opinion? This is a very difficult child to love with his anti-social behavior. I am still embarrassed by what comes out of his mouth sometimes, but I am growing enough to find it charming...Sometimes...
Jsmom-ok, i know your
Jsmom-ok, i know your situation is tough, but I'm going to side with him on this one...honestly it's not your place to decide if it's ok for his son to go out of state with his mother. I understand, she's a POS-but look, SD is gone, no more...what she does w/mom is her bsns-no need for him to insist on 'notification of out of state' for a non-existing relationship.
As for SS- A parent SHOULD IMO be able to take a kid out of state for family or fun time. That is not for a stepparent to decide, insist on or try to control-I don't always notify my ex when we're out of town-I dont' expect him to tell me either. His mom is hillbilly-ok, that's where's hes from, so what if he learns to shoot guns. As for him being alone while she races...again, no big deal.
The knock down argument is because he's resisitng you trying to control and mandate this situation to your liking-if HE is ok with it you need to be also. He's right-she only has 18 more visits...let it be. That is why you are seeing red....step back, breathe, realize this IS HIS CHOICE and HIS KID and it is still BMs child...if he's ok with it, just let it go, it's honestly not your place to dictate and insist he do something, and certainly not your place to send an e-mail or letter about it.
If this would interfere on YOUR TIME/HOME than you ABSOLUTELY have a right to say something, otherwise I honestly think you are the one out of line. JMO though-and I AM saying this with love, I promise you that.
"But, again I can't because DH won't let me...If my first husband had forbade me to do something, I would have laughed my ass off. But, why because of this blended family drama do I allow DH to dictate to me like this?
My intentions were good here. His was just to stick his head in the sand and wait 8 more months....Ugh!!!"
Well you're not ok with him not letting you but YOU are trying to dictate to HIM to obey and listen to YOU on a matter of his kid. Why shoudl he allow you to run him and his decisions like this?
Good intentions or not...if he wants to stick his head in the sand so be it...i think you can be a great stepmom but step back just a little and let HIM do the main parenting. Let him volunteer, you're trying to take over the whole thing, and that's never beneficial to you in the long run.
I'm sorry, but I think you're
I'm sorry, but I think you're over reacting. If the CO says your husband needs to be notified/asked about out of state trips, then it's up to him to decide if he wants to file contempt. He obviously doesn't have a problem with it, so why should you? This is a 13 year old boy, who was with his 15 year old sister. Not an infant who fell asleep, was carried into a hotel room, and left alone. Why are you trying to control this situation?
I am not, I am trying to
I am not, I am trying to protect a child that keeps coming to us for help with his BM...I just want her to go away and leave this kid alone...Maybe you should read some of my blogs to actually "get it".
I'll go back and do that But
I'll go back and do that
But for right now, I'm thinking this is your husband's responsibility. If he doesn't think it's a problem, then you should probably let it go.
You so don't understand...I
You so don't understand...I am only doing what I have been asked to do, no more no less. But, he is wrong this time with BM. She just continues to do things that upset this kid. He should not have to continually be treated like this by her.
As for the 13 year old boy with his 15 year old sister. That is a reason for me to call DCFS. That girl is the problem and well on her way to being pregnant, drop out, arrested or all three. Just like her Step siblings. So yeah, honestly I would prefer he was left alone...
My anger is not over me asking him to do something and him again refusing to do it, it is over the way he turned it all around...Again because he would rather deflect his own frustration with BM than on me.
Although this is a situation
Although this is a situation for which the following phrase was meant:
"Not my child, not my problem."
I understand the frustration with caring for a child who has two (non)parents who seem more intent on hurting each other than doing what is best for the child. It is really difficult - probably the MOST difficult thing as a stepparent - to disengage and let the (non)parents screw up the child as much as they want. And pay all the lawyer bills to go with it as well.
So, I do agree with the above posters that you cannot MAKE parents BE parents to a child. They have to sink or swim on their own. This is tough but true. You see for yourself what type of push back you get from your DH.
What REALLY gets me about this, though, is that while you are looking out for SS's best interests (and seem to be the only one who IS), your "D"H is TELLING you that he will LIE to BM just to DISCREDIT you! THAT would be the real crux of the matter, to me, and THAT would be why I would be absolutely beyond FURIOUS about that.
That was what ended the
That was what ended the argument with me walking out. He is so dense. All he has to do is apologize for that and referring to me being like his mother. The same woman who called me a "money grubbing whore" for going out to lunch with them. Long story, but needless to say she is not a part of our life...
Would it possibly kill him to apologize for making a small statement into a war...