Does a teenager really have that much control over our lives....
I need advice...What happens if the SD14 decides she no longer wants to come here. She told her Dad that it didn't matter what he said she was 14 now and she can live where she wants. Does a 14 year old have that right.
He refuses to let her decided where to live, so if the BM backs her up and doesn't make her come here on Monday after school, then it looks like we start a very ugly battle. Problem is this also affects the SS11. My husband is out for full custody if she and SD pursue this. Honestly I think we would win, but I am scared of what this will do to my already fragile marriage courtesy of this SD.
Has anyone been through this. Can a 14 year old really say where she wants to live??? Doesn't a judge look at where the best house is.
We just found out another lie that the BM told DH last night. It seems like daily she is lying and deceiving him. Is that really the best household for these kids. Is it really that awful here because you have to make your bed and eat breakfast????
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I've definitely experienced
I've definitely experienced this, quite recently.
Where we live, a child has the right to determine where she lives (and whether or not she visits) at the age of 12. My daughter ran away two months ago and was offered two weeks ago to move in with her father, who hasn't seen her in eight years. Luckily, it didn't pan out because he actually doesn't have any room for her, and he lives with his own mother (who strongly objects to my daughter's sexual orientation and eating disorder) who refused to allow DD15 to move in with them. So she's home again. But it was scary for a little while there, knowing that she might move in with this man who thinks it's okay to smoke pot with his 15 year-old daughter.
So yes, unfortunately they do have the right to decide for themselves. If necessary, a children's lawyer can get involved and advocate for the child's wishes. I think you and DH need to ask yourselves what is in the best interest of the relationship with her. Do you really want to force a kid to visit or live with you when she doesn't want to? She doesn't even want to visit; are you really sure you want to try to force her to live with you? This may not be a popular opinion but it's my belief that you'd be setting yourselves up for a world of bad behaviours if that were the case.
Our BM allows SS11 to do
Our BM allows SS11 to do this --- once it lasted 8 months!!! It is the responsibility of the custodial parent to ENFORCE the court ordered (in our case divorce agreement) and when they don't, technically they are BLOCKING the court's orders. She is a MINOR --- she is NOT in charge of whether she wants to go to school -- she MUST -- it is the law. We have been struggling with this issue for years!!! Started when SS was about 8 --- problem is... $$$$ our lawyer just charged us $225 for reviewing 7 emails.... no phone conversation, no meeting, NOTHING --- and we don't have the money. It is so depressing.
I have heard that you can have a court appointed "parole" type person escort you while getting the kid to ensure you get him/her, but not sure how that works... don't know anyone who actually HAD that, just heard about it.
Oops! I left my reply in
Oops! I left my reply in the other post you mentioned this in!
There's no set age (at least
There's no set age (at least where we live) for a child to make that choice. It all depends on the judge and what the situation is. As they reach the teen years, naturally they will start getting involved in more activities and with friends, but I wouldn't let visitation slide until a judge says it's okay. I think that most girls, as they reach their teen years generally want to spend more time with the mothers and girlfriends, and I would guess that most judges will be sensitive to that. It's not to say the judge will say she doesn't have to visit you anymore. I don't know what your visitation schedule is currently, but the judge may just make some changes in how often or when.
Question? We actually have
Question? We actually have 50/50 custody in the papers that says two weeks on and two weeks off. We have never done it because DH tried to accomadate BM's work schedule. Should we try and enforce it now. DH thinks so, since he can actually punish her for what she did with the lying for a full two weeks. He feels that if we enforce that then we will have a longer time with her to work on this animosity. Since we now do a week on and week off we spend most of the time with all her anger and since mom doesn't now back us up apparently on this stuff, maybe that would be better.
If he wants to enforce it, how does he do that??
If the papers say two weeks
If the papers say two weeks on & 2 weeks off, that's what needs to happen. It's BM's responsibility to see that she figures out a way to make it happen if it conflicts with her work schedule. Otherwise, it's her responsibility to take it to court to have it ammended to a schedule that works for both of you.
If she's not complying with the schedule and you want to enforce it, you file for a "show-cause" hearing, and BM will have to explain to the judge why she isn't abiding by the court order. I think most often in a case like that, the judge will tell BM that she is to comply, and if she doesn't she will be held in contempt.
That's exactly what I was
That's exactly what I was thinking.... I would never force a 14 year old on visitation issues. When perfectson was about 13ish he quit wanting to go to his dad's and I didn't force it. There is no doubt in my mind that had I forced him to go to visitation it would have been WWIII and I would not have the great relationship I have with him now and he would have resented the crap out of his dad for forcing it and would most likely hate his guts.
Sorry - but I don't think
Sorry - but I don't think you did the right thing in not encouraging the child to go to his Dad's. How is that fair to the other parent? What you are saying is exactly what we are sure will take place next week. If things work out great, but can you imagine how your exhusband felt that you were encouraging the child to stay despite the CO.
I am watching my DH sink into a depression because of this and my heart just breaks for him. If the BM would support him none of this would be happpening. Before you say that our house is miserable for the child, know that we have given and done everything for the child, but with rules. Not really big ones. Eat breakfast, make your bed, set the table and take your shoes off when you come in. THat is really it. But, BM has none.
Well I know I did the right
Well I know I did the right thing because perfectson and his dad have a fantastic relationship now and I have no doubts it would have been ruined had I forced the visitation. Also, I did not ENCOURAGE perfectson to stay despite the co, I just didn't FORCE him to go. There is a difference. Perfectson would have been resentful and he would have made their lives miserable. EH was hurt yes, but luckily he has always backed me in doing what I thought was best for perfectson. They talked fairly often but perfectson didn't go to his dad's house for a year. Now they talk all the time and he tries to see his dad as much as his schedule allows but it's hard when they live over an hour apart and perfectson is working and has a million activities.
My opinion is to be very careful with forced visitation.
We live literally in the
We live literally in the subdivision across the street. THis was done by BM so that they could go back and forth. So they will never have an excuse that they would miss something. We have one week on and off now. She just doesn't want to live here because she has some rules and BM has a SD15 that she like to hang out with. THis kid (BM's SK) was expelled for passing out at school. Vodka in a water bottle. We are just trying to protect her now. If she lives at mom's it will make her go downhill, we see that just by what she is saying daily. I am going to do this... I won't do that... Typical teenage stuff, but if you are not in a household with rules, you will push that stuff. We just want to avoid bigger problems down the road.
I went through this with my
I went through this with my bio-daughter when she was 13. Her father got remarried and his new wife decided that she would rather have my daughter live with them than pay child support. She also had significant issues with my ex having any contact with me. She had my daughter conviced that at 13 she was old enough to make her own decisions and started taking her on tours of schools, etc. in their area (without my knowledge). When I got wind of this I hired a lawyer to advise me on this.
I found out in a hurry that there is no clear answer. They will take a childs opinion into consideration depending on their maturity level. The child is assigned a guardian ad litem to protect their best interests. This guardian reports to the courts on the childs wishes, maturity level, mental status, etc.
They also take several other things into consideration such as the condition of each household, parenting capabilities, etc. One of the things that they focused quite a bit on was which household would do the best job "fostering a positive relationship with the non-custodial household".
We were fortunate enough to be able to sit down and talk reasonably with my daughter and she decided to stay at home before it got to court. I do have a very close friend who lost custody of her son to her ex. Her son wanted to live with her very badly and voiced that wish to the court. Regardless of what he wanted the bio-father ended up getting custody (the appeals when all the way to the Iowa Supreme Court). Its a very rocky road to go down....I wish your family luck and hope that a workable solution is found.
Yes - We live in one
Yes - We live in one subdivision and she is across the street in the other subdivision. We live in a town that is affluent and these kids have everything. Add that to the mix of all of this. You have to have structure here or all hell will break loose. To give you an idea everyone in town has a golfcart and the kids can go out alone on them at 15 with a permit. There are 100 miles of paths they take them to school everything. Add that in the mix and their is an incredible amount of freedom. SD has already taken her moms at 13 with the other SK. Busted and grounded. But, her new SD told her it was okay. If you are caught the fine is 250 and points on a license they don't have yet.
THese kids can do every activity every sleepover without the CO affecting it. Difference is Dad doesn't allow as many sleepovers as she would like. She is allowed one on the weekend. Mom allows her to leave the whole weekend. WHo wouldn't want to go live with mom???