Interesting development in disengagement
So DH used to not want to talk about SDs problems. I'd bring them up and hed just dismiss them and act like it was fine and he didnt want to talk about it. Now that I've been not ever bringing it up myself all of a sudden he starts bringing her issues up himself all the time and is setting up meetings with the school counselor etc. Hmm interesting...
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I have experienced this
I have experienced this myself and found it fascinating. Its like you finally don't show interest and act indifferent and NOW they want to share things and ask your opinion. When my H use to do this I'd change the subject and shut it down quick. I wanted no parts of it and he eventually stopped. Only now seldom will he share details and when he does I'll say " oh that's nice" and keep it moving.
I need to learn to shut it
I need to learn to shut it down quicker...I still end up delving into somewhat of a discussion of it and I dont want to waste my time on it. I kind of feel like maybe it's force of habit for both of us? Not sure, but pretty sure that's the next step I need to take. I'm sick of my life revolving around her drama.
It's amazing how quickly
It's amazing how quickly things change when we, as SPs, stop carrying the emotional load for our SKs.
Our engagement, when it is not wanted or appreciated, only masks problems because we either take on the brunt of the issue or our load softens the blow for the parent. And since we don't have the same type of love for these kids, it wears us down harder and faster. We get snippier and harsher than if they were our own kid. That puts their parent in defensive mode, which means they only continue to view the problems as "not that bad" because they already had a higher tolerance AND now have a reason to prove the SP wrong.
So, when a SP stops taking on part of that emotional load, the parent has to confront the issues head-on. It starts wearing them down, too. They try to re-engage the SP so that they have someone to unload all that frustration onto that isn't their child. Or They need a scapegoat so they don't have to blame their child.
Eventually the parent either accepts that there are problems or they bury it deep down inside. Either way, the problem is theirs to bear, as it always should have been. Their discomfort at their own lack of parenting is theirs to deal with alone, especially when they pushed the SP to step back.
This definitely hits the nail
This definitely hits the nail on the head. I do think he wanted me to be engaged but didnt appreciate it. I think he thought that since I was also a mom that I would just pick up where her mom left off and that I would love being a mom to her just as much as my own kids so he could be hypercritical of me and I'd still take care of her out of love. I dont love her like my own kids though and dont see her as a "gift" he gave me getting to have another kid to raise so it just caused a lot of resentment.
When you have a disrespectful
When you have a disrespectful stepkid that doesn't care or listen to you that makes it difficult for ANYONE to want to bond with them and have that relationship grow into love. Your H has to understand that. Some people make it easy to love and want to do for them, others.......not so much!
That's the thing - I tried
That's the thing - I tried hard to be inclusive of her without crossing any lines or stepping on toes in the beginning, but SD doesn't want that. She wants the rest of the family to go away so she can go back to running the show all the time. Yes shes just a kid but it's still insulting, especially when she makes it clear she just wants material things from me. For example she didnt say a word to me after school yesterday until randomly out of nowhere she says she wants an electric car for xmas that only has room for one person (so her brothers cant ride in it with her of course). Or when she hasn't seen me in a week shell be rude but then start hinting she wants to go back to Disney world with my family (my mom has a timeshare).