Sending you some positive energy. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (no matter how you get there, divorce, moving out, they die, or move) but eventually it does get better. The only guranteed thing is change.

Im sorry you are going through that. Its hard to battle mental illness, because they use it as a maipulation tool. Feral Forger is constantly going to be a thorn in the side of any that are close to her. I stress about the possibility she ends up on my doorstep, after getting a clue, and tries to be nice to get back in (at least with her hurling anger and false abuse accusations I have a GREAT reason to keep her away..)

That really sucks that you cannot enjoy things in life - life is too short for that! I hope that it gets better  for you.

I understand how you feel :/. I cannot stand my boyfriend's ex. She is bipolar and causes constant issues. She is the worst part of my life. I honestly want to move away to create distance from her. I feel like that's the best move IMO. Is there any way your husband would give up 50/50 custody and move? There's no way you can deal with a personality disordered person especially if they do not seek help. It's hard to treat even if they do get help. It's a life long struggle.  Personality disordered people create problems. Your life won't run smoothly with one in it. 

Also, the other option is for your husband to see her outside of your home most of the time. Is that at all possible? He's the one that decided to breed with her. Why do you and the kids have to be subjected to it? Maybe he could take her eowe and bring her to school or pick her up, take her to her activities, dinner etc. Instead of having overnights where it's your problem to deal with her. 

He should break off all contact with BM.  Except pick up and drop off times.   He should parent his DD to not be so nasty.  Him not really doing anything except gaslighting you Is the real problem here.  Only  DH can fix this 

I understand where you are coming from and it's hard. We had custody of Spawn and I felt like there was no other option than divorce at one point.

What finally changed for me was I stood up for myself and I stood up to DH and stopped accepting his "poor me, I'm just trying to be the good guy" routine. After that a lot of things changed. I truly did stop caring about what Spawn and Meth Mouth were doing, because I dumped it all squarely at DH's feet. That last year with Spawn was a year of pure misery for DH because I was no longer the buffer. He had to face all his sh@t he had helped create and he didn't like it.

At some point you might drop all this on DH and leave him to deal with it, until you do it's going to continue to pile up and cause the anger and resentment.

I don't think I'd still be with DH if he hadn't been so good at shutting BM down and not taking any crap from SS. Once BM called my parents to try to reach DH because SS *thought* he had left homework at DH's place (pre-living together).  Oh hell no.  I was totally pissed off that she called my parents and told DH so - and he told BM never to do that again, period.   My parents didn't even mind, but oh, I did.   And that's just one of the ways that DH dropped the hammer on BM. 

Your DH could tell BM that he knows what she's doing and to stay away from your friends, he absolutely could. Enough of that and it will be clear to her whose side he's on. 

I hate how I feel like I'm wasting half of my youngest 2 sons baby years waiting for her to leave. 

In situations like this you have to do some real heavy soul searching…….if you feel BM & SD are ruining your life what can YOU do to change that? What are YOU willing to do and give up in order to claim and own your happiness? It’s not fair to your kids that although you are there in the physical, mentally you are not living your best life……you are just existing. Think about what this is modeling to your children. You can’t allow these two toxic people to take control of your life. I know you love your H….I get it..... but do you love yourself more to remove yourself from what no longer serves you?

I hate how I feel like I'm wasting half of my youngest 2 sons baby years waiting for her to leave. 

I know exactly how you feel. I am also growing to hate stepparenting more with each passing day. You're not alone. A friend of mine once told me something that is becoming my mantra. She said there will be situations in life that get you down. You feel like you have no control and things will never get better. The sooner you can learn to compartmentalize the things you can't control and shove them to one side, the better off you'll be. And above all, remember: your sanity comes first. 

You are a human being that has every right to a peaceful life. Do everything within your power to create that peaceful life and tell everyone else to get bent. Your sanity comes first.

deciding to be with Chef was no doubt one of, if not THE worst decisions of my life!

Vent away!  I get it completely.  HC disordered people are the hardest to shake.  You have to disengage.  Ignore, ignore, ignore.  I know it is easier said than done.  I agree that your DH has to do better also.  I know he is making some changes but it needs to be more.  I know b/c my DH needs to also.  I don't know if he is capable of that anymore and if he isn't the change will be me getting a divorce.  We shouldn't sacrifice our lives for their failed first lives....

I know exactly how you feel.  Been there.  Hated that BM had a little control in all aspects of my life.  Except my son and her son went to different schools and we lived in different neighborhoods so I at least had that part of my life. But at the same time the distance in neighborhoods made another problem.

I went to counceling at one point because I had bad anxiety every other Friday just know that SS would be coming over for the weekend.  It didn't really do much for me.  The cost of counseling created another problem.  He would go home and BM would grill him about our house and that pissed me off to no end.  She would always email DH about what we do wrong (in her eyes).  

It's good to vent here.  The only thing I will recommend is for you to do things for yourself.  Take care of yourself.  You are not alone. Lots of us HATE being stepmom, hate skid, hate BM.  Hang in there!

Also dealing with a BM with a personality disorder.  can tell when she's off her meds.  Then things go quiet for awhile and then boom!  Back to dealing with crazy.  It sucks.  The only stress in my life comes from her and her kid.  I feel you.

I married into a step situation where mental illness is present in both sides. My DH's people are loony, he grew up with a lot of instability, and he was drawn to and bred with TWO crazy women. The first 18 years of our marriage were a cycle of brief periods of normal punctuated with drama and crises.

I couldn't change the situation, but eventually I learned to change myself and manage my own life to benefit me.

It's very, very important to build in time and experiences that are healthy, fulfilling, and have zero to do with your H's kids, people, and problems. While ideally marriage is all about closeness and partnership, surviving dysfunction requires creating some separateness to preserve sanity, provide relief and sanctuary, and nourish the soul.  That sounds hippy dippy and abstract, but basically I mean that you must develop other, positive interests and relationships to balance out the negativity of your H's baggage. Otherwise the darkness will overtake you and your bios. Imagine a teeter totter. His carp is taxing, draining and heavy on one side. What do you balance that with? 

Make friends outside your school district. Go on Meet Up etc and find activities for yourself and your kids in the next town over. Create new traditions for just yourself and them like Library Thursdays or Ice Cream Tuesdays or Anything Can Happen Wednesdays. Find other activities for your kids and network to make friends through that. Look into volunteering, outdoorsy clubs, historical reenactment/ preservation, etc. Fill your lives up with the good stuff. It IS possible to love a man and disengage from his poo, especially if you don't want to leave him or just need to get through until the skids age out.

I can relate to every word of your post. Although BM was never around, so that did make things easier. But I agree...It does and will get better. I came very close to leaving my husband. I truly felt like I was living a life that was insane. And putting my bios right in the middle. There were hard days and there were really hard days. I'm glad I stuck it out though.

Your situation is identical to mine. I feel your pain. The best you can do is disengage as much as possible; I know that's easier said than done.