Disengagement updates
SD came back for the week yesterday. Theres been little mention of her when shes gone and that's been nice; however DH seems to be taking this as a sign that I'm happier with her instead of happier with not having to be responsible for her as much as I was. He just really does not understand that I dont view her in the same way even though I've made that completely clear. Also, he really doesnt seem to understand that I'm more impressed with him as a parent when he steps up and disciplines her appropriately then when he caters to it. Instead whenever he does something small for her (ie gives her money from "toothfairy") he looks at me for approval but if shes doing something wrong he ignores it and hopes that I dont see shes misbehaving. I've also noticed that he tends to discipline her more not in front of me. I'm not sure why. I've been trying to just ignore this since (i think?) That's how I should be handling it since I'm trying to disengage.
Anyway, SDs behavior has gotten worse at our house since I've been disengaging. I was the only one ever holding her to any standard of decent behavior and now that shes figured out the last few weeks shes been here that I'm not anymore shes gotten the attitude that she can do whatever she wants and she runs her dad. Similar to what her teachers seem to deal with at school. Last night DH gave the kids lasagna for supper and said that they had to eat most of it but not all of the sausage because he thought he put too much in it. Which I thought was dumb tbh they aren't going to know how much is supposed to be in it. Of course this wishy washy rule opened up a debate from SD. She asked multiple times what exactly she was supposed to eat (she knew but you could tell she just enjoyed the power struggle). Finally DH gets fed up and tells her this is the last time he explains it. So she smirks and asks him again 10 seconds later and what doe she do? Just explains it again. It's been the same with every other minor rule. She stands on her chair while she eats and ends up spilling all over (keep in mind shes in 2nd grade) and she will do it every time she eats just to test us. Shell stand up on the chair, look at him to see if hes going to do anything and DH walks by and just ignores it. He claims he doesnt notice. Also if my son gets disciplined by him she will go do exactly what he was just told not to (albeit in a sneakier way) and watches to see if DH will do anything. He usually doesn't.
Again, this has gotten way worse since I've been disengaging. I dont think DH has any clue it's because I've stopped disciplining her. He had no idea how much she misbehaves or how much effort I was putting in to help it. I highly doubt he'll figure it out on his own either.
Shes alot more blatantly greedy then she was also. She used to pretend to be over the top excited about getting a treat after dinner now her response is well I want 3 not one. For Christmas she told me I need to tell Santa to make her an electric car that only has room for her and all of her stuff (so she doesnt have to share with siblings of course). I told her I don't think Santa makes cars he makes toys (we cant afford that type of presents) and she just shrugged because she knows she'll get it from someone. Most likely GBM.
Curious to see how far downhill things go before DH decides to step up.
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Great that you have not
Great that you have not engaged and keep seeing sh!t hit the fan. I hope that sooner rather than later your H will learn to put his foot down and parent his daughter. She sounds like a pain in the @ss and I don't know how you can stand being around her or even eating dinner. Sometimes you have to let the pieces fall where they may and hope that he'll wake up and handle his responsibilities.
Honestly I cant stand being
Honestly I cant stand being around her anymore. Especially the snotty attitude she has toward everyone. I used to think it was just me being biased because she isn't my bio, but I dont anymore. Sometimes I can see the pained look on her teachers faces after school when shes talking to them and I'm just like yep...I know exactly how you feel. I'd have more empathy for a kid that's acting out for some reason but shes not, shes just mean and spoiled.
Just remember, disengaging is
Just remember, disengaging is for YOUR peace of mind. Anytime you see her do something she isn't supposed to, or she makes a mess, tell DH. If he says whatever to her breaking a rule, or if he is stuck with sticky floors from her messes, so be it.
Eventually he'll either have to step up or you'll see that he won't. That's when you'll have to make the decision of whether you want to stay with him or not. Don't re-engage to have a clean house. That just reinforces to DH that his lazy behavior is okay. Remember, he is an equal adult and parent. If he can't pull his own weight, then the consideration should be whether you want to continue to live with a man-child, not what you give in to to help make his life easier.
I know this is easier said than done, and this is about the journey, not the destination. This is going to take time, and it sounds like you're handling it appropriately.
Hmm so I should say something
Hmm so I should say something when she breaks a rule? I was thinking I should just ignore it altogether. I did ask him to tell her not to stand on her chair last night (which I thought was a mistake on my part) and he snapped at me at first that "oh you thought I was just ignoring it" which says to me he probably was and knew he shouldn't. He did calm down right away though and tell her to the next time (which was about 10 seconds later).
The standing on the chair gets to me in particular because she ruined a bunch of important papers from spilling on them awhile ago and bawled when she got in trouble for it and now does it and smirks so she clearly didnt actually care. I make sure not to have anything on the table I dont want ruined but still...standing on the chair at supper is 2 year old behavior.
Let her keep standing on the
Let her keep standing on the chair while your H does absolutely NOTHING and when she falls and busts her @ss and has to be taken to the ER for a broken arm that will fall on him.
After that I'd give him the "I told you so look" and go about my business.
I could see that happening.
I could see that happening. She somehow managed to fall into the tank where you can touch anemones and stuff at the zoo this summer so falling off a chair is a good possibility actually. Dh probably still wouldn't learn but SD might.
To be clear.. you can still
To be clear.. you can still correct her even while you are disengaged. You don't have to allow her to do things like stand on chairs. You give your DH opportunity to fix the issue.. then you can step in and say "your dad said sit down and eat... eat as much as you can.. you won't be getting dessert if you don't finish dinner" Or you can get up from the table and tell your DH that you aren't going to sit there and have your meal ruined because he won't parent... then go finish in the kitchen.. Where you will throw out her treat.. so he can't disney dad and give it to her anyway.
Disengagement doesn't mean that you have to ignore bad behavior.. if it's up in your face and it bothers you..deal with it and move past.
Egads, she sounds horrid
I am a table manners person - my mother taught me not to pick off people's plates in a restaurant, not eat with your hands, esp in a restuarant, and she gets bugged out when everyone is at the table on their phones (this is recently because I am old).
Last night the power was out, so I took DH and Munchkin SD12 out for dinner at a local noodle house. Munchkin sat there the entire time, either on her phone or sulking. When we were choosing plates, i mentioned my budget, and she wanted the most expensive thing, DH had her get something at half the price (she had already eaten something at home!) and when it got there barely touched it. I did offer to make her a separate plate of mine, but she decided to pick items off my plate. Picked meat off, cilantro, noodles...egads!
I didnt know that I was such a "manners nazi", but this really bothered me. I said nothing, just kept my mouth shut. But I dont think I really want to take Munchkin out again anytime. And of course I cant really say anything because then I am overly critical and picking on her. Its just that when she was 9-10, MAYBE it was considered cute when she would eat with her hands (yes! Spaghetti!). Every day she tells me how cute everyone at school is telling her she is. But Im the meanie that thinks her table manners are atrocious.
Your SD - no one is doing her or themselves any favors. Disengagement is not an easy bridge to cross!
Other kids tell her shes cute
Other kids tell her shes cute? Seems odd...
And I'm not even a huge table manners person, I'm sure it would drive me even more nuts if I was. Standing on chairs while eating is just so far from age appropriate that its mindblowing. But then she still runs around in the store like a toddler also so. The really irritating thing is DH used to brag about how shes such a good eater and will eat anything he gives her...but in reality he was only giving her stuff he already knew she would eat and then using that as validation that she followed rules so well. Well if you only give her rules you already know she will follow duh shes going to "behave" for you.
yeah
Shes shorter than her peers at 12, in middle school, apparently they are all really big. And she is constantly telling me that her friends are always commenting on her cute face and her cute freckles and how cute she is "like a little doll". Shes slightly overweight, but nothing really bad, and very confident in herself, with her popularity and friends.
I get that at this age they are probably just building self esteem and trying to figure out who they are, but these days it seems all conversations involving Munchkin HAVE to revolve around Munchkin and must be diverted back if they veer off course.
Your SD - needs a good solid person - its too bad that DH cannot be that for her when she needs it most.
My DH - hes just glad that Munchkin is talking at all. So he lets her go on and on about herself and how everyone thinks she is wonderful. Shes really sweet, dont get me wrong, but you know - its energy-sucking.
Wait - disengagement does NOT
Wait - disengagement does NOT mean you let a kid pick food off of your plate and just sit there. That's the exact opposite of what you want to do - you want to set boundaries. A simple "don't take food off of my plate, I don't like it," is just fine, in fact, it's necessary.
It's also OK to refuse to eat with a stepkid who has atrocious manners that go uncorrected by their parent. Eat in another room, or don't go out to eat if they want to go.
Disengagement is for YOU, and you only.
If she's having trouble
If she's having trouble sitting in her chair maybe she needs to sit in a highchair with the seatbelt on, or be secured into a booster seat at the adults table with a seatbelt for her own safety. That's what we do with toddlers.
Personally, I would make her wait until you are done eating before it is her turn.
Lol I did actually think
Lol I did actually think about telling her she can sit in the baby's highchair. I told DH next time she does it the chair goes and she can stand. He said okay so well see if it gets implemented tonight.