JBDmom's Blog

A year later

I haven't been on this for over a year now and wow do I have so much to talk about. Firstly me and DH well I guess exfiance have officially broken up. Going forward I've found so much more joy and happiness out of life. SD lives with me and her siblings, and we are all so happy. The problem was DH the whole time. The days of giving into bad and toxic behavior from SD are behind us. She's grown so much and as slow and hard as it was at the beginning has been the hardest battle that I would happily do again. They are all my entire world.

Feeling guilty

I called SD a spoiled brat this morning. I couldn't help it. She sat around all morning and made us late to the bus stop and then lied to me about it. I was so mad. I said it in the house, i told her as we had to rush to the car, and then I told her again in the car. I was on a rampage. I couldn't contain my frustration at all. She finally told me as im rambling on about how were late and i had to run out the door carrying her brother and sister with out time to wrap them in warm clothes that i hurt her feelings.

Affection

My fiance keeps bringing up how unaffectionate I am with SD. I grew up in an unaffectionate household. I'm not saying its a good thing but it's why I get uncomfortable with any amount of unwanted or lingering touching. SD is needy like has to be touching you constantly needy and i cant stand it. I hold my babies and let them crawl all over me but I also have many moments through out the day that I can't stand them being on top of me. I definitely feel like a shitty mom when he talks to me about it but also I feel like it's not my fault her mom isnt in her life.

SD hurt my baby

My absolute worst nightmare became a reality this evening. SD smashed my 11 mo finger in the door so badly I thought I was broken. His finger was so squished it looked mishapen until it started swelling. We’re very lucky it isn’t broken. His finger getting smashed though is not the nightmare I’m referring to unfortunately. No. My nightmare is SD purposely hurting one of my kids. I know what everyone is gonna say. How can I be so sure she did this on purpose? She told me she did.

So much attitude

I can’t wven begin to describe the massive amount of attitude SD has managed to throw at me since she’s been home from school. The second she doesn’t get her way, is asked to do something, or get caught doing something she’s not supposed to her attitude shoots through the roof. I’ve gotten to the point that I just send her away from me because I can feel myself wanting to say something not appropriate back to her. Today though really took the cake, and mostly because of the way SO handled the situation.

My SO is an idiot

This one is not about my SD but about my moron SO. Tylenol is good for when a child has a fever or a mild headache. It is not to be used as a nighttime ritual to go to sleep because anything to get out of bed one more time right? How do you as a 30 year old adult not think about the long term effects of giving a 5 year old Tylenol EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? He literally gives it to her like it’s candy because her arm hurts, her throat is itchy, her cheek hurts. Dude. I’ve told him so many time he needs to ease up on just giving her medicine for every little thing but no I’m just an idiot.

I’m so over it

I’m so tired of this you guys. Seriously this little ungrateful brat of a child is super getting under my skin today. Let’s cry because she didn’t get a tablet for Christmas even though she got a million other things. Let’s put on a stupid show of screaming and crying while mom brushes my hair because dad is sitting right in front of us. Let’s cry and whine about everything I have so I get everything I want. I’m sick of her. I’m tired of this little spoiled brat running my life. The world revolves around her and she doesn’t deserve it. She take everything she has for granted.

A very decent Christmas

After a very rocky and ridiculous Christmas Eve this Christmas was the first since I’ve been with SO that I haven’t actually hated. SD got waaaaay to many toys but not from me and SO. Her grandparents and aunts from his side went really over board like they always do for her. They did however try and make it a little even with the babies so I was very grateful. The only actual problem Christmas Day was SD immediately trying to play with and open DDs toys.

Little by little

I’ve noticed a huge change in my relationship with my SD. With her going to school and not home all day everyday our relationship has thrived. Yes I still have moments where I can’t stand her, but those are happening less and less. She might still drive me crazy on the daily, but I can see us trying to get along better with each other. I’m not instantly pissed off when she does something most of the time anymore. I can actually enjoy her company for longer periods of time. I’m not sure if it’s her growing up or if it’s because SO has stopped catering to her as much.

“Motherly connection”

I’m not much of a cuddler. My babies sure they’re babies they actually need to be held. A 5 year old though? Not so much. I’m just really so uncomfortable with it. My SO regardless of everything I do still tells me I’m not good enough because I won’t cuddle with SD. I hug her and that’s about as much as I can do with out being weirded out. I feel like I’m being held to standards he doesn’t hold her BM to. I take care of this little girl, I’m here for her when she needs me, I do everything I can to make sure she’s taken care of.

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