What?
Nine times out of ten when I say something to DH he says “huh?” or “what?” I get all sorts of reasons/excuses from him as to why he didn’t hear me. And the one time out of ten he does hear me is usually when we are with others. Then none of the reasons are needed and those same reasons don’t impede his listening skills (lots of people, loud noises, etc, really it’s a lengthy list).
Last night I told him about my observations and situations where he heard others and me just fine yet when we are alone he suddenly cannot hear me. I told him it’s got to stop. I know he can pay attention and he has to start right away. No trying since I know he can do it.
About two hours later I came down the stairs and he was right in front of me at a table near the bottom. On about the last third or fourth step (so not way at the top), I said something to him. It short. Had he paid any attention he probably could have caught the message in the last couple of words. He said he didn’t hear me. Now no other people were home, there was no tv or music on, the pets were quiet. No noise outside. There was no reason for him to miss it. Except: I made noise walking down the stairs and that’s why he couldn’t hear me.
Seriously. That was the “reason.”
I don’t have this same problem with anyone else. I have paid attention to see if it’s me. My XH has diagnosed hearing loss in one ear and he didn’t have trouble hearing me.
vent over
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You sound more and more
You sound more and more frustrated by your husband, and understandably so. Have you tried marraige counseling?
I started counseling
I am going myself. We did about three session a couple of years ago but the therapist basically just said "do more together" and DH didn't hear what the guy said. Really.
I think they tune us out
I feel ya. MR. ED will completely not respond sometimes to something I say or he'll give a short response, but then not recall the conversation at all. Its like he has auto-pilot responses while actually tuning me out. So frustrating!
What's helping...I try to make sure he's not distracted by phone, kids, tv, daydreaming, etc. if there's something I really need him to hear. Also, I've asked him what he thought would help and he asked for me to work on "quality, not quantity." I do talk a lot, so he's got a valid point! :) I think he tunes me out as a result. One other thing I've learned about MR. ED is that he needs longer to process one thing I've said before I go on to the next. I think its a man thing, honestly.
I'm looking forward to reading other suggestions on here! Good luck!
Oh, I've done that
I had to tell DH something about my health. I tried three times. The third time we were alone, he was facing me, I stated it was important, I was short and sweet, he asked questions and responded to answers. The next morning when I started my new medication he asked me why I was taking pills. Shoot me.
OMG, that sounds familiar!
OMG, that sounds familiar! Following to hear any epiphanies!
Sounds very passive
Sounds very passive-aggressive to me.
I am someone who gets sucked
I am someone who gets sucked into holes. Thought holes, reading holes, video holes. DH can be sitting 2 feet away from me and start talking, but if I am focused elsewhere, I have no idea what he said.
Is it my issue to deal with? Yes. I know I can focus across media because I do it when I work. I play sudoku during a webinar, otherwise I'll drift off into my mind without having two things to concentrate on. By the time I get home, though, I don't want to multitask anymore. I just want to wander off into whatever plane I've made for myself that evening.
DH and I have reached a compromise on this (and I'm trying to get better). If he needs or wants to talk to me, he needs to physically bring me back. Grab my shoulder, pat me on the back, poke me in the arm - anything physically stimulating that grabs my attention. That snaps me out of my hole, I put down whatever I am doing, and I focus. Or, I ask to finish whatever task I am doing and get back to him.
I'm not trying to intentionally ignore him, and it's not like I don't hear him. My brain just doesn't comprehend what he is saying unless I switch my focus. I don't know if that is your DH's issue or not, but maybe try physically zoning him in on you and see if he pays attention. If he doesn't, then he is likely willfully ignoring you.
Question on the physical trigger
Does he need to do it all the time? I'm just curious how important it is to bring you back.
It depends. If we have been
It depends. If we have been interacting already, no. It's mostly if I have been fixated on something for longer than 15 minutes, like reading something on my phone or working on a craft. Or if I am texting someone. I cannot text and talk at the same time.
I have gotten much better of acknowledging him when he talks to me and letting him know if it's not a good time or I'm in the middle of something. For him, he was most upset when I just didn't respond with anything, not even a "give me a moment".
We have had many a conversation about how, all because he wants to talk to me *right now* doesn't mean it's a good time for me. He'd get grumpy that I wouldn't respond when he talked, but I'd get grumpy that he never asked if now was a good time or even give me a chance to say hold on.
Now, this is usually how things happen:
DH: Hey hon?
Me: One second dear.
DH: Okay.
Me: *finishes thing* What's up?
-OR-
DH: Hey hon?
Me: *doesn't register*
DH: *touches my arm* Hey hon?
Me: *snaps out of it* One second dear. *finishes thing* Yes?
so long ago I was living with
so long ago I was living with someone, this is before I had children, I think I might have just graduated from college. My SO then, not married. used to do the same thing. lived together for maybe 6 yrs and I was finally ready to move on. But he wanted to try therapy so we did.
So, that being one of my issues, the "I didnt hear you" or just compltely ignoring me when I spoke. He finally admitted it at the therapist office that he didnt want to do whatever it was I was asking of me and by ignoring I guess he thought it would just go away or pretend it didnt happen. I almost laughed.
So I think it is an intentional decision "not to hear you" but there has to be a reason why?
I feel you pain
if I am talking to my BM on the phone, DH can
hear her when I have the phone to my ear. But if DH is two feet from me and I ask him a question he says he didn’t hear me. It has gotten way worse over the past several months to the point it is infuriating me. I finally refused to repeat myself. He isn’t deaf. He certainly cannot multi task but I don’t think walking and listening at the same time qualifies as multi tasking. DH is finally starting to feel the pains from my refusing to bother engaging in conversations. It annoys the hell out of me.
I wouldn't repeat myself. I
I wouldn't repeat myself. I would tell him, he should have listened the first time. It obviously wasn't so important to him.