Critical thinking in blended families.
To my fellow step-talkers I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and get some responses to kind of indirectly related to many of the issues I see here.
I think for stepmom who work outside the home that one way to feel less resentful of the blended family situation is to see it on a practical level. Our husbands are obligated to their "other families" so we should do the same. Say for instance your husband pays 30% of his income in CS you should make 30% of your income unavailable to the household. If not and you throw all your income into the household you're subsidizing your husband and stepchildren, because putting in ALL of your income frees up more of your husbands income to play Disney dad. That's fine if your'e ok with that but I sense many here are not. If over and above CS your husband guilt parents then you are allowed to spoil yourself in a similar fashion even if it means just saving that extra money.
If you're also a BM yourself to children that are not your DH/SO and you work, and contribute to the bills I encourage you to keep your CS separately. I would insist on it really and heres my humble take on it. You're already paying your portion of the household expenses so that money is for your kids. If you don't make enough to cover your portion/percentage/half of the household expenses without dipping into CS then you should dip into it. CS is for the benefit of your children and your children affect the household as well. Whatever is left over (if any) after you have met your obligation to the household belongs solely to your children. That should be solely for them (not you, not the household, definitely NOT his kids) if extra is left perhaps use it to fund a savings acct/college fund for them. The important thing is that you remain in control of those funds and are aware of what you are contributing.
I'm not quite sure how to work out financial fairness for step moms who are stay at home moms to their own bio kids, and/or non resident step-kids. It's also a difficult quandary for step moms who are SAHM moms to an "ours child". IMO when a man and woman determine he will work and she will stay home, and rear the children/run the house they have a division of labor that is understood to benefit all of them. Even though he makes the bacon and she fries it they both own it all 50/50. IMO opinion that's what divorce laws were REALLY meant to protect. Such is not true in step/blended families. He is obligated to provide part of that bacon to his previous children which does not benefit your family/household. And you staying home may not be 100% benefit to the family/household. Lets be real step mom staying home caring for children from a previous relationship isn't doing your new husband/family/ household any favors. It benefits your previous family the way CS benefits his. On another note step mom isn't obligated to care for his previous children. Although he may expect you to do so as part of your contribution and SAHM/W duties. He may not be obligated to care for step mom's children from a former relationship the same way he does his own. Would you be ok with that if your CS wasn't really enough? Would you feel bitter and resentful? Add in an ours baby and it's a minefield of issues BOTH financially AND emotionally. Add in rude steps and difficult exes and it's truly a minefield of problems.
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@dtzyblnd I have nothing but
@dtzyblnd I have nothing but the utmost respect for BM like you that can work out a fair agreement with your ex. You take care of your child regardless of hishelp but understandably insists your ex contribute and use that money for your Childs future. I love it. Your husband I understand to an extent. Just like you he takes care of his child himself. Expenses and big ticket items are paid for by him. He contributes proportionately to his household obligations. And by not pursuing the BM he is protecting his son from upheaval. I understand that fully. My only concern is college. I hope he's got that figured out as one of his big ticket expenses. You are saving your CS for your sons future. I hope he has some sort of plan. I understand that he doesn't need the BM money but she is obligated, and the fact that she is reproducing and caring for other children shows me she is capable. Just my opinion.
Yeah, an arrangement like
Yeah, an arrangement like that would never work out in our house!
Hubs is on permanent disability, so his income is very limited (even before CS is taken out). With what's left there is no way to pay the additional costs of the kids (like groceries when they're here) with just his money. That's not even taking into account things like the cost of his medications, or the extra cost of having a 3-bedroom house (need the rooms for the kids...) instead of one big enough for just the two of us. Withholding 30% of my income would mean at least one bill that doesn't get paid. I try to do something for myself when I can, but I can't justify shopping for myself if the bills aren't getting paid. The way we split it now he pays the rent and typically one of the major bills out of his money, then whatever little bit is leftover is miscellaneous money for the rest of the month. Even if he took over more of the direct expenses of the kids, that would just be one more bill to come out of my pay. It would all even out.
I have to admit that I have my moments of resentment over the status quo. But I also realize that when I chose to live with him I knew that this was going to be the case. I can't get too bent out of shape when I can't afford something now since I knew going into this that my disposable income would take a hit (it really didn't help that I have taken a massive pay cut by moving here ... there just aren't the same kind of jobs available in this area).
Hubs realizes that I need to do something for myself, and something for us, once in a while. And he generally acknowledges that I go above and beyond sometimes. But I have to acknowledge that I knew what I was getting myself into and that his kids will always be a priority for us.