Well I wasn't going to reach out to you guys here one because I was just too tired to get into it and two, because I have been going crazy with busy-ness the past month, but here goes, I just really need to type it all out before I lose my effing mind.

My (estranged) mother died in March, so like 2 months ago. actually holy shit just looked at the date and exactly two months ago.

Anyway, she was a very abusive person, typical crazy BM, took me away from my bio dad when I was a toddler, moved across the country and changed my last name (LONG STORY). So then she married my "step" dad and they had two daughters.

And I know this is going to sound like a woe is me, mommy got married and had more babies stories but I assure you it is not. I can not STAND children that do that. But my stepdad was a SHITHEAD. He literally hated me and made no secret of it. My bio dad was not in the picture, this man raised me since I was 4 and he would introduce me as his step daughter, I always felt out of place in that family. And looking back, I had every reason to feel that way, it wasn't in my head, I'll explain in a bit.

So long story short I endured years of physical and emotional abuse from my mother and her husband, they would pit their daughters against me to intentionally make me feel like shit and that I was just the bastard outside kid (I'll explain that too). When I was almost 17, they got rid of me. Literally, they sent me to live with some guy my mother had met on the internet, signed over all rights and were done. My theory is that my mother had found my diary in which I wrote about the abuse and was trying to discredit me...anyway.

I graduated across the country living with strangers and came back to my homestate to start my life. YEARS pass. I found my bio dad, I bought a house, I found love, I LIVED. I am 23 years old btw.

Through the past 7 years my mother has shown up a few times trying to reconsile, her daughters want nothing to do with me and their dad as well. They literally hate me. My mother didn't want to actually reconsile with me she just wanted to keep tabs and make sure I wasn't "talking" to anyone about what actually happened 7 years ago (again, long story). Last Last January it had been a couple years since I had spoken to her and I got a call from a detective, she had convinced her youngest daughter to accuse me of child molestation and I was investigated. The stories they told, I was sick for days. Couldn't sleep, I was DONE. I told SO and his family (they are very supportive) that I was DONE. GONE was the hope of reconsiling with these people or wondering why they were doing this to me. DONE.

Last September, my mother showed up at my work stating that her husband had left her and taken the girls and they hated her and she needed me. I filed for a restraining order the next day. I then dropped it out of fear from facing her in court because she had just been arrested for carrying a concealed weapon without permit and honestly I was scared of her. I don't think I can really communicate here how insane this woman is.

And now that she is dead, I know the truth.

Because I was the LAST one to find out. I got a call about a month ago from a lawyer wanting my info because I am her next of kin, he was SHOCKED that I didn;t know. She killed herself.

For the first time in 7 years I called my stepdad and he tells me, "we already had her creamated, you can have some of her clothes if you want but everything else is being sold and the proceeds will be put into trusts for the (his daughters). My stepdad was PISSED that I had found out. He told me "who told you, that wasn't appropriate for you to find out, you are not family".

I was in shock so I didn't question it, but then I met with the estate lawyer and he told me umm no all that stuff, her estate, everything is YOURS to protect and split with your half sisters accordingly. I immediately signed the executor of the estate paperwork and sent it to the judge, retained the lawyer and asked him to tell my mothers ex EXACTLY what his place was. OH yeah, don't know if I mentioned that, they were DIVORCED. He had NO right to get her cremated and try to cut me out completely.

So I have been sorting, organizing, dealing with the banks, handling her debts, BY MYSELF for a month and I am EXHAUSTED.

In my cleaning and packing adventures I found her personal journals, and this is why I am just so done. In them she states that she never loved me, never felt towards me like a mother should to a child, she only took me to spite my bio father because she knew he loved me so much.

I found all the CPS reports from my childhood that I don't even remember and they were BAD, like BAD BAD.

I found all the emails and notes that her and her ex had sent eachother while they were plotting ways to get rid of me. Yes literally, it wasn't that they thought I was a troubled teen that needed help like they told everyone else, they literally hated me.

I found letters that they had the two younger girls write to court officials and the school counselers stating how glad they were that I was gone so that I "could never hurt them again". I was in shock reading all these things.

I found the girls old journals where they laugh and literally do not give a shit that their sister is being treated like this.

I found all the family photos. There is literally a very small pile of me, maybe half and inch high. And most of them are me standing away from the rest of the family or off by myself. There are about 20 books and 11 LARGE totes FULL of pics of the girls from birth till now. Their first teeth, locks of hair, anything you would want to keep from your children, that is there, not me though. I even found a pile of pictures where my face had been cut out or sharpied out. God I just realized how pathetic this sounds and I swear I could not make this up if I tried.

I found family videos of the 4 of them blatantly cutting me down and making fun of me when I wasn't paying attention or I wasn't around. I found professional "family" photos framed that were taken when I was probably around 9 or 10. I am not in them. I was probably at school or something.

I found out from her next door neighbor while I was cleaning that she had told them that I had gotten pregnant at 17 and ran away because I didn't want to follow their rules.

I am just so sad and tired. My whole life I just wanted to feel safe and now that she is gone I feel so releived. It's just sick is all I guess.

But when I am done with the estate I am officially done.

I will put up accounts and the girls can access their portion of the money when they are 18 (they are 15 and 17 now)and then I just want to be left alone to my family and life. There will never be a relationship there but at least now I know for sure that I wasn't just crazy and that it wasn;t my fault.

Thats all, I just needed to get it out, SO already knows all this and I feel bad whining at him about it when I start to feel overwhelmed and down.