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A little different scenario

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:04am

Well, I find myself here...a step mother...and quite confused. I can't say the children are horrible, or the BM is completely crazy. They aren't. My issue is I am a SM to 2 girls; one son of my own 10. SD 5 is my DH's daughter. SD 10 is his SD from his first marriage. He continues to take FULL parental responsibility for a child that is not his, legally or biologically. I find I am getting resentful for the continued financial burden of having to take this other child EOW and Wednesdays over night. Any place we go we pay for her, vacations we pay for her, family celebrations/weddings I am forced to bring her. I don't feel like she is part of my family, and I can't change that. I know BM is getting child support from her Bio-Dad, he lives out of state, and doesn't see her often so my DH says he feels responsible to be her father figure. I knew going in to this relationship he had a daughter, I didn't know I would also be stuck with his SD. I feel guilty and immature for being so resentful, but find myself hiding in my bedroom, reading books, etc because I just don't like her. Don't like being around her. For the BM we are free baby sitting, free stay home with her sick baby sitter. I know financially it's draining too, I work full time and a part time job to make extra money and it isn't fair to my son or his birth daughter to have to get less at holidays/birthdays because DH doesn't want to make his SD 10 feel left out or different. I try to not slight her, but then resent it later. Maybe being able to let it out here will help me deal with it...I am hoping.

Comments

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:15am

It would suck, I give you that.

But.........you divorce the spouse, not the kids.

If anything ever happened between DH and I, I would still see my SD all the time, as he would still see his SS all the time. They are our kids.

DISbelief's picture

Submitted by DISbelief on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:33am

My FIL has three daughters. He is divorced from their mom, and now married to my MIL. The YOUNGEST of the three is not his. Yes, the YOUNGEST. His ex wife had an affair, and got pregnant. He knew from the minute she found out she was pregnant that the baby was not his. He left her, but took full responsiblity for the girl. She has NO CLUE that FIL is not her dad. He has raised her right along with his daughters. Sweet little girl. The oldest is grown and has a kid of her own, but every other weekend they have both younger girls. They provide for them, he pays child support (A LOT) for both of them... My MIL is super crazy (if you have read my past blogs you know I am not saying that to be mean, she really is crazy.) but I have to give her credit on this one. She has been supportive of this decision from day one. This is a choice he made before MIL came in to his life, and she can't change it. She loves this little girl, and things are tight for them because of the child support, and it costs more to have 2 kids EOWE, but that was FIL choice, and she married him.

I am not sure how I would react in your situation. I can completely understand the frustration, but I have to agree with Jen...

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

GiGi222's picture

Submitted by GiGi222 on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:43am

I actually commend your DH for being there for this little girl though she isn't his biologically. I think it shows you who he really is.
FH has a SD from his previous marriage. Now she is 19. When him and BM seperated she was about 14. When she wanted to come along on trips or outings with us she was more than welcome too. But seeing as how she was older she knew that FH wasn't her dad. And the visits became less and less. It never bothered me to have her there. She is a good kid. He actually went to her high school graduation and awards ceremony. We are planning a trip to see her at her college campus soon. We always manage to get her something for Christmas and her BDay as well.
What I'm trying to say is, I think what he is doing is commendable. I would also be extremely proud to say he is my DH. Perhaps your perspective on it as wrong. Don't look at is as you being a babysitter for BM. Look at it more as not wanting to seperate sisters.

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:52am

Thank you everyone and GiGi for your sharing your experience. That is why I am here on this site. Trying to get different view points, to grow as a step parent and make it a healthy blended family. I know the negativity I feel isn't the direction I want to move in.

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 11:48am

I could understand maybe if he had been her only father, but he isn't. He has been in her life for 5 years, that is a long time, I agree. And I can't help but love DH even more for the devotion he gives her, I think is it a noble and rare quality. which is why I am even more confused by my own thinking. But she is very aware that her father lives out of state, she has contact with him and her bio-dad's parents (her grand parents). I think some of my turmoil is from DH and I not having clearly knowing the expectations. I always knew SD 5 would always be around, and of course is welcomed in our home. I assumed, and I shouldn't have, and he could have been clearer, that SD 10 would come over sometimes, not as if she is his responsibility. With that said, I also realize he has an emotional bond and investment in her that I do not have. 5 years in her life, 2 of those 5 with me as well.

I agree that none of this is the childs fault, and I do not blame her by any means. I had step parents as a child and although I saw them sometimes after they divorced my Mom or Dad, there was not this obligation that DH has. I am not saying I am right or wrong. I am saying I am totally confused by my own emotions, and I know it is growing in frustration.

DISbelief's picture

Submitted by DISbelief on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 12:20pm

I admire the fact that you are investigating your emotions on this. I think what you are feeling is probably normal and rather than just latching on to the negative frustrations you are feeling and running with them, you are seeking advise... and here is the BIG KICKER- you are ACCEPTING THE ADVICE YOU ARE GETTING!!! That is HUGE, especially on this site!

Have you and DH sat down and discussed the expectations of the continued relationship with this girl? I think it is important that you two are on the same page. Like, will he be helping her buy her first car, college funds, weddings. Those kinds of things. I think maybe if you two sit down and have a mature, non-confrontational conversation about what the relationship IS, maybe you won't feel so slided by his involvement with her. Like you had a hand in making that decision to have a Sweet 16 party for her. Be open about your feelings, without condemning him for doing the right thing... because really, having a Dad in another state, is not REALLY having a DAD... and every girl needs a Dad in their life.

Hope you have found some peace of mind here. And good luck!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink