Christmas stress and angst - right on cue
Things have gradually gotten better with DH. He's more willing to stand his ground when it comes to SS12 breaking rules, lying, etc. He's also become more practical when it comes to SS and his growing preference for BM.
But this time of year is tough. He's starting to lapse back into the "have we done enough gift-wise for SS? BM and her parents are going to spend thousands of dollars on him for Christmas and his birthday and I'm sick of them always winning."
Well, we're not spending thousands on him. That's ridiculous and I know DH won't do it. I get it. He feels he's losing his kid and that both hurts and terrifies him. Getting into a "win/lose" competition with her family is a horrible idea and all you end up with is a spoiled rotten kid.
Like I said, he won't do it. But he's getting depressed.
As usual, SS hasn't told us anything he wants -- because his mom and her parents shower him with crap all year. We do our best to come up with things he might actually use and leave it at that.
Yesterday, DH found out BM gave SS a virtual reality headset. This week. Two weeks after she took him for a week at Disney World. Three weeks before Christmas. Four weeks before his birthday.
SMH
The kicker? We gave him one for Christmas last year. He used it for an hour and it has spent the rest of the year under his bed. It's now in the back of DH's car ready to go to Goodwill -- along with a pile of other barely touched gifts we've bought him. But he's apparently all over the one BM got him.
I get it. DH feels defeated and like he's losing his kid. That has to be tough. Especially since there's nothing he can do, really. We have no control over BM. Yes, she makes more money than we do. But we do very well and make more than enough for needs and wants. We're just more diligent about saving and refuse to chuck out money for things that will just go under a bed or into a corner.
DH is taking SS to Washington DC for a few days right after Christmas, since he's with us and DH is off work. I can't get away, so it will be just the two of them. DH has put thought into making it a good trip. But now he's all stressed because SS seems disinterested and BM takes him to Disney or Great Wolf Lodge. DH feels he's old enough now for some cultural trips as well and I agree. Will SS appreciate it? Probably not. But that comes from being babied, coddled and spoiled by his maternal bloodline. It stinks, but we can only do what we think best.
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Comments
DH needs to change his
DH needs to change his thinking. Approach this trip with the goal of exposing SS to things that are counter to the materialistic messaging from BM's side. Sure SS will disregard it all but DH needs to share his values and plant those seeds. It might take years to see any results but damn, the world has plenty of materialistic people.
Agreed. And DH knows that. He
Agreed. And DH knows that. He plans to just do the best he can to impart values. But this time of year, he tends to get more despondent about it.
I hate hate hate HATE the
I hate hate hate HATE the holidays. We've heard it all before ... "never used to until..." yeah... until I became a stepmom. It's completely robbed me of holiday joy. Why? The divorced parent Christmas arms race. We spend a fortune every year buying the Little Idiot Backstage VIP pass for DH so he can see her. It's so bad, I've thought about suggesting he leave a trail of $20's from FL to our doorstep for her to follow. At least your DH is on board with staying out of it.
One of my old HS buddies
One of my old HS buddies recently posted some pictures of himself as a young teen traveling in Europe with his family. He was lamenting what turd he had been and how he didn't appreciate all t he things he saw and did as a young kid.
We went to HS together in Germany.. and I'm sure many of us rolled our eyes at yet another centuries old cathedral.. or military battlefield from WWI or II etc.. We were so lucky.. we saw art, culture and history that we learned about in school. in person.. we should have been more grateful in the moment.. lol... but sometimes these experiences are viewed in the rear view mirror with fondness.. that isn't expressed in the moment.
I also think sometimes we don't think kids hear adults.. but I know that later.. those voices do echo in our heads.
He should not be trying to
He should not be trying to compete with BM. The best way to win this game is to not play. I don't know what the answer is here. SS is being PASed out here and it's like standing on the tracks with your foot stuck, watching the train speeding towards you. You see it coming but don't know what to do. Can you stop the train? No. Can you get your foot unstuck? Hopefully. Will the train run you over? If you don't move, then most likely, yes. Unless the train stops. BM's like these women we read about here make women and specifically mothers, look bad.
Exactly what I've told DH.
Exactly what I've told DH. Don't play. Even if he decided to, he would lose both with me and with SS. I'm not willing to put up with it. And he can't compete with BM and her family. For one thing, there are no grandparents on our side who would be willing to play along. DH's mom and my parents have too much sense.
Competition
We weren't exactly in competition over YSS's 3 girls but I know what you mean about the frustration when other family members are over-generous. YSS's wife's twin and her DH were fabulously wealthy. Twin had no kids of her own so lavished her love on the girls. They, quite literally, had everything imaginable. When they came here for the holidays, BM showered them, too, and we did our bit. One time when I was visiting, DIL showed me a closet where she had put many of the gifts, there was just too much so she used them for gifts for others or donated them.
We didn't have much time with the girls. I did Christmas cookies with them when they were young. At other times, we struggled to find ways to entertain them. Normally, if you'd take a young kid to a Dollar Store and let them pick out things (toys, candy), they'd enjoy it but tho the girls were polite, it didn't really work. Sigh...
While reading your OP, my
While reading your OP, my mind was all over gifting SS experiences since the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool is all about giving him anything and everthing immaginable. That DH is ahead of that plan is outstanding.
The DC trip is a great idea.
Time for a spreadsheet to document everything that DH/you have given and do for SS. No need to make a list of the piles of crap that BM/etc... flood him with.
One modification I suggest that DH consider is making the experiences he introduces SS to be away from urban centers. National parks, deep sea fishing, beaches, etc.... Chaco Canyon, Grand Canyon rafting, lakes, mountains, deserts, etc, etc, etc.... Of course you can go as well.
The SpermClan was all about the gaming system, fantasy card game, etc, etc, etc... of the moment. SS can name a single gaming activity that he recalls fondly from his childhood. Interestingly that was when he and I played a game together for a few weeks.
His childhood memories are of camping trips, hikes, fossil hunts, "Johnny Quest" adventures, and trips that he and I or all three of us had together.
Very few kids remember a single toy or trendy thing they have received. Most remember experiences as defining and enjoyable moments in their lives.
Moments and memories that mean something. Those are easier if BM is far away and electronics.... don't work.