i think im becoming depressed. this will probably be long and i dont really think ill get any replies but thats okay i just need to get my feelings out. i asked H when he was last truly happy, like overcome with joy. he said the day he married me. that was almost 9 months ago. long time to be not be actually happy. i thought about it and i think the last time i was truly happy was when h was moving back here in november after we lived apart for 5ish months(i was supposed to move there but he lost his job). after that its been downhill ever since. i realize some of our problems started because of me. i got lazy and too comfortable with him. I didnt give him the love he needed and didnt put much effort into us as a couple. he reached out to me, telling me how he felt. i started trying again but it didnt seem to be 'good enough' for him. and by then, he lost some faith in me and i think he was starting to become bitter because all those talks he had with me didnt seep in to my core until he got to that stage. and increasingly as i felt like i was trying harder, he felt like it wasnt good enough i started to become unhappy as well. we had a big blow up a few weeks ago and havent been the same (which wasnt that good to begin with). i saw a side of him i didnt like. i know hes stressed with everything that has been going on.

i dont like how he treats me when hes angry. i realize that people say things that are usually the most hurtful when they are angry. hurting people hurt others. im the worst kind of person; i hate conflict, will try to bury things and act like they dont bother me. hes not like that. but as of late, we dont talk much anymore it seems. more like roommates which i hate. sex is like non existent. we still do it like 3 times a week but it doesnt feel like anything. atleast not for me. anytime i ask him whats on his mind he says nothing. which i know there is something on his mind. a couple times he has said, why bother telling you, it wont change anything. and i feel like im growing up, that im becoming who i am supposed to be and sometimes i wish i hadnt of married so young before i really knew who i was. after the blowup ive been having one foot in the door and one foot out, just in case things go south. i want to feel like i actually did everything in *my* power to make this marriage work before i bail. but i dont even know where to start, now that im starting to feel depressed. i dont feel like doing anything. im starting to not feel motivated to do anything, especially school. the days pass by. i dont even remember what i did last week. we need to work on our communication. ive been working on what i say when i get angry at him. i try to see his view of things, try to see what i said that could made him mad. i would like to see a marriage counselor but i dont even know when we would have time to see one. we both are working full time and have school full time. my days off im in class and hes in class four days a week. we hardly see each other as it is.

i dont know how things are going to get any better between us. i want them to. i want to remember why i fell in love with him in the first place. i dont want to slip into depression. i dont want to have to go to the doctor and get meds. ive been on the verge of getting into depression before, but this is the worse its ever gotten. i dont feel like hurting myself. i just feel like everything is blah.