So my DH and I are in the process of purchasing a new home...a much larger home that will be more conducive to seven of us living in it daily. The house we live in currently was my home, and has been my home for many, many years. Anyway...

As I was packing things up in the house to ready ourselves for move out day, I came across pictures of my kids from 7 years ago. They were so small. My daughters just 4 and 6 and my son an infant. These pictures were of my kids shortly after their father walked out on us for his also married girlfriend. My daughters have this sadness in their eyes and are so close to each other in the pics. I remember how difficult it was for them, not knowing why dad left, why dad wasn't coming to see them, why when dad did decide to see them they had to go to grandma's and sleep, etc. They were just young kids and didn't understand what was happening, why dad just didn't come home one day. And then there is my son. He's in the pics with my oldest holding him and reading a book to him. He was an infant. 8 months old. And suddenly, the anger of what my exH did resurfaced. I haven't thought about it in an angry way in so many years. And the anger that came wasn't about betraying me. It was that deep fiery anger that "how could you do this to your children? How could they not mean enough to you to keep it in your pants? How could they not mean enough to you to know that you would be disrupting their lives? How could you actually just walk away from these children, YOUR children and not look back and be okay with it" I was sad. I was angry. And then all the things he's been pulling lately with the kids and dodging his responsibilities and I thought "you didn't deserve those kids then, you didn't deserve their unconditional love for you, and you still don't. You still haven't made them more important than your own selfish wants"

Then I found pics of my stepsons. With my DH. About the same age. And again saw the sadness. Saw my DH with his arms around his boys and their little faces and thought "how did you (BM) walk out on these beautiful little boys? How could you walk away for another man, who didn't want kids? They were just small children who needed their mom and you didn't care. You thought the grass was greener and only thought about yourself and just left those boys wondering why mommy left and will she come back" And again, I got saddened and angry.

Who can do that? How can someone do that? How did I ever find the man who was willing to walk away from his three beautiful children someone I thought I wanted to build a life with? How did I not see that part of him? How did my DH not see that part of his exW? Yes the exes walked out and left their families, but maybe my DH and I have to take a look and consider if we had seen those two for who they really were, we wouldn't have these children who had to go through so much hurt. They would have never had to cry for the parent that turned away and walked out of sight.

These feelings really surprised me. Because I honestly feel I am thoroughly over my divorce and the cheating by the ex. I have no feelings for him, other than disdain but that's it. I remember being crushed when he walked out, said he didn't love me, and loved her. I remember feeling like my world was falling apart. But I also remember being exceptionally angry with him that he could do this to our children. That I wasn't necessarily happy with him either, but we had kids and a responsibility and that was what angered me the most. And I guess maybe I still have some resentment towards him for letting down our children the way he did.