total crap morning
Well, so much for DH and I being on the same page.
He totally violated our agreement yesterday, deliberately withheld information about BM calling him on his cell, even though she also left a message on the home phone on the same topic and I got the message and I asked him "if he knew anything about the call" and he chose to interpret that as "if he knew anything" about the subject, rather than the call.
When I found out by way of email from BM this morning, je says "but I knew you'd be pissed she was calling me in the middle of the work day". Ya, ya same old story you hear a THOUSAND times on this site -- DH and I have a strict, hard-won agreement about that--if I am going to be the female step-lead in this little play, I get full information. It's our bargain. Otherwise, I can't manage all the details he expects me to manage, or I end up looking STUPID. Or feeling stupid and disconnected, which is just as bad.
And just as a little side-issue, in the email, BM threw in that she's resigned from her job. Well, that's it. The custody mediation is in 6 weeks and we won't get increased custody with her staying home. Her having a job for the first time in over a decade was one of the changed circumstances. She's worked for less than a year and she quit. And I have a hard-won interview at a state job a week from Saturday, trying to reduce my time at my firm job, which is killing me, so that I can (1) have a life for the first time in two decades; and (2) maybe get de-stressed enough to have a baby. But it was a pay-cut, a serious one, and if BM isn't working, DH's child-support will go up, and we can't afford to live on his salary alone if the child support goes up. We certainly couldn't afford to have any baby. So, so it goes. Back to full stress days, evenings and weekends. So much for thinking that for the first time EVER I was going to catch a break and get to slow down.
Well, I guess if DH is not going to live up to his (pretty simple) end of our bargain, then we shouldn't have a baby together anyway. And ditto for having increased custody of the kids, which would place just as much of a burden on me as him.
I have invested all of this time in our household recently, in the him, in the kids, and all I ask him for is communication, information, so that we can act like a team. He has a conference next week and so I was offered to go to my SS's GATE information session for "us" in the evening since he can't go, and now I'm like why should I effing bother? I am so sick and tired of always pullng more than my weight in everything and no one even lifting a finger to take care of me, even when it's as simple as communication of information "oh, by the way, BM left the same message on my cell."
What a crappy morning. We had all these cute family plans this weekend, a flower hike and Easter eggs, a baseball game and Easter at my mom's, and now I feel like I don't even want to see DH. Or, frankly, the kids, whom I otherwise adore.
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Actually..
Actually.. check your local laws, you can likely go after child support based on her earning POTENTIAL. She can't just quit her job, her ability to work is what's at issue here. When we were fighting for a child support decrease.. the courts ASSIGNED bm a salary based on her earning potential (which in your case, since she just quit her job, it can be based on her previous salary and CS can be adjusted accordingly).
If you haven't done it yet, you really aught to search out (it should be on the internet) the family law codes for your state. Before we went into court, I knew those laws inside and out, and it really REALLY helped. Bm's husband worked, even though she didn't, so we asked the court to do one of two things, either assign her a salary based on her earning potential, or use her husband's income as a basis for HER income to calculate child support. Just because you don't feel like working, doesn't mean that you get to pay less to support your children!
Stepup
good point
You're absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me about that. That makes me feel a little less hysterical on the CS issue. The salary at the job she just quit would be the floor of her earning potential, I would think.
Oh Gwen
I'm so sorry. Geez, you sound like your in the same moos I was in yesterday.
Please take a deep breath. And another.
Step up is right on the get more info thing. Every State is different and certain web sites give you all you need. I researched and found the right site for Caitlin, just send me a privite message it you want me to do the same for you.
Another deep breath please. You got a week before the interview to decide how you want to proceed. That's more than enough time to research the laws.
Your main focus needs to be getting through the Holiday weekend.
I know you want to smack DH in the head, but that never solves anything. Let him know you are hurt and stressed and could use his help.
Hang in & breath. We are all here for ya. Jo
In California
Okay.. so if your profile is right.. you're in california, which means you're dealing with the same state laws *I* am. Be aware that 'my' bm was a stay at home mom as well (not always, but she thought she could ride the child support train). So.. here's a link to the family codes
http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/calawquery?codesection=fam&codebody=&h...
portions to pay attention to - if BM is married see here:
FAMILY.CODE
SECTION 4050-4076
4057.5
(b) For purposes of this section, an extraordinary case may
include a parent who voluntarily or intentionally quits work or
reduces income, or who intentionally remains unemployed or
underemployed and relies on a subsequent spouse's income.
and
4058
(b) The court may, in its discretion, consider the earning
capacity of a parent in lieu of the parent's income, consistent with
the best interests of the children.
Good luck!
Stepup
beat me to it.
Great job Stepup.
expectations
Question: am I just supposed to conclude that being a divorced father gives my DH the right to hide things from me and lie? He gets to decide whether its "important" or not, whether he wants to "deal with it"? I'm just supposed to say oh, no real harm done?
Sorry. Not acceptable for me. I don't care about getting gifts, sensitivity about money, demanding house cleaning, other habits, preferences, demands -- you know, typical "couple" triggers. But we had a deal before I said I do, and his part of the deal was to make me feel safe. That's ALL I ask of him. Not through money, or shelter--I can take care of myself--but through honesty and having my back. Being a team.
But I don't feel safe. I do not buy this crap about it's okay for him to hide information b/c there's nothing really going on and he was "just trying to not get me mad." I think that's just bull. It's a cop-out. I'm willing to shoulder lots of crap with a laugh, but that's not one of them. Are my expectations really too high? That's so depressing. I don't like my DH very much right now, and that's depressing. There's never been anyone in my life who has been trustworthy, constant, dependable, honest. Not one. I had this fantasy that my husband would be that person for me. What the hell happened? I can accept and even love lots of other faults, but not being able to be completely confident in his dependability might ultimately kill the whole thing.
I know...
...I would not handle it well if BF was keeping things from me regarding her. I don't expect him to tell me about every little call she makes to him because most of them are bullshit. But I do expect to know about the pertainent stuff.
How was yesterday between you two?
It is DH's issue
you deserve to stick to your original plan. Don't let her rule what job you are going to interview for. THat is giving her too much power. Go for your interview and continue with the plan. If support goes up, DH will need to cut back on stuff he does. Eventually he will feel the pain of her rather than you having to make up for what she doesn't do.