I have an amazing therapist. She is a stepmother who has been dealing with an unstable BM and PASed SD for twenty years. She understands the realities of what stepparents go through, the dynamics of step life, and has been unbelievably instrumental in helping DH and I maneuver our way through this minefield.

We've been dealing with a load of horseshit from SS15 lately. He's basically been a nonentity in our world for the past six months or so. During the 50% of his time he spends with us, he doesn't interact with us. Doesn't speak to us. Acts like he doesn't want to be here at all. DH and I tried an experiment last time he was with us, which I posted about. Since he chose to ignore us, we chose to ignore him. For 48 hours, we didn't speak to him, didn't acknowledge his existence. He started to crack about 36 hours in and tried to apologize for his behavior. At the end of the 48 hours, he said he didn't like how it made him feel. It made him feel unimportant and lonely. His behavior improved, and he spoke with us like a normal family member would for the rest of his visit. I predicted, based on what I know of SS, that it wouldn't have a lasting impact.

I was right.

SS15 came back to us Friday evening. Since then, he has said exactly eleven words to me, and only because it's the bare minimum expected. "Hello." "Good night." "Good morning." "Excuse me." "Good night." "Good morning." That's it. Otherwise, he's avoided my presence and pretended I don't exist. He has uttered small pleasantries to DH and said a little bit more to BS18, but again, not much. We spent the weekend out of state visiting DH's family. (That's a whole other post.) He said not a SINGLE WORD to either of us the entire three hour car trip there and back. He barely interacted with his grandparents, aunt, great-aunt, great-grandmother, and cousins. They didn't even really notice. We did.

So, we're right back to ignoring us. This has bothered me to no end. As far as I'm concerned, if the kid doesn't want to be here, if we wants nothing to do with us, he can stay at BM's. But I haven't suggested that yet because DH isn't quite ready to go there. I don't even want to go home tonight. But I'm trying to work on something my therapist recommended.

It's called radical acceptance. Sometimes problems just can't be solved. No matter what you do, you can't have an impact on some situations. That's where we are with SS15. DH and I have been reaching out to this kid for 3 1/2 years now. We've tried to get him to talk about his feelings. We've opened the door for communication. We've offered support. He hasn't accepted any of it. He continues to take what we offer and turn up his nose at it. There's nothing more we can do. Until he's willing to do his part, there's nothing we can do for him, and we need to accept that reality. Radical acceptance is accepting life on life's terms and not resisting what you can't change. It doesn't mean agreeing with that reality, but accepting it for what it is. We don't like the way things are with SS15. But we can't change it at this point. Maybe someday he'll do his part, then we can move forward. But right now, it is what it is. We can hope that our reality will change, but be okay if it doesn't.

This is the mantra I'm supposed to rehearse in my head: "I'm in this situation. I don't approve of it. I don't think it's OK, but it is what it is right now and I can't change it. I can only take responsibility for the things that are within my control."

Rinse and repeat.

I'm getting there. DH is doing much better than I am. He figures if SS15 comes around, great. If not, he'll have a tough road ahead and that's on him. He could benefit so much if he'd let us in, but he won't. We'll keep the door open, but there's nothing we can do at this point in time.