The past few months, SS15 has been distant toward all of us, especially the first few days after he comes back from BM's and the last few days before he goes back. This week, he decided to ignore me completely and pretend I don't exist. He didn't speak a single word to me from Friday night through Sunday night. He didn't make eye contact once. If I was in the same room and he needed something, instead of asking me he'd go to another part of the house or outside to ask DH.

DH called him out on it Sunday night. He told him it was absolutely unacceptable, and if he doesn't want to act like part of the family, if he'd rather be treated like a house guest, that's fine. We can do that.

DH: How do you think you've made us feel, especially Ghost?
SS: Uuuuuhhhhhh....bad?
DH: Where is this coming from all of a sudden?
SS: Uuuuuhhhhhhh..............
DH: I don't care what your mom has been saying about either of us, and I know she's been saying things that aren't very nice. If you want to believe those things despite what you know about us, we can't do anything about that. But you WILL treat people with respect in this house. You will acknowledge every member of this family. How do you think you'd feel if you were treated like you were invisible.
SS: *shrugs* I don't know. I probably wouldn't care.
DH: OK. Fine. For the next 48 hours, you won't be acknowledged. Goodbye!

So, for the last two days, from Sunday night to Tuesday night, SS15 wasn't acknowledged. He actually started saying hello and goodbye. We ignored him. He asked DH a couple of questions. Ignored. We went out for ice cream. He stayed home. He started hovering around us as time went on, and we could tell it was getting to him, but we pretended he wasn't there. Do you know how hard that was? It isn't in my nature (like apparently it is in his) to completely ignore someone's presence. It was tough! But it was a lesson he desperately needed. Finally, Tuesday night, shortly before we were going to end our little social experiment, SS came up to both of us and apologized for how he had treated us. He said the words with no emotional expression whatsoever, but it was obvious he was bothered by it. We asked him how it had felt to be treated like a non-entity, and he admitted he hadn't liked it at all. DH then said to him something like this:

"The next time you feel the need to ignore either of us, BS18 or anyone who visits this home, remember how you felt the last couple of days. Really think about it. And if you decide you'd rather have a superficial relationship with us, that's fine. We don't prefer that, but the choice is yours to make. Just realize that if you do choose to keep things superficial, you won't have the benefits of a positive relationship. We won't be taking you out to eat or do anything fun. We'll plan family vacations for when you're at your mom's. You won't be celebrating holidays with us. Relationships go both ways. It takes two people to put in the effort. If you choose not to put in any effort, it's your loss. We won't be chasing you."

Obviously, if SS were younger this experiment wouldn't have been possible. But at almost 16, SS is well aware of his actions (or inactions) and how they impact others. DH and I are seeing that the kid is way more savvy than he lets on. He's learned his dishonesty and poor attitude from a pro.

Will this have any long-term effect? We talked about it, and we don't think so. We think SS will be right back to his normal ways the very next time he comes back to us from BM's. He never changes for more than a few days, and he's way too wrapped up in BM's PAS to change. But we tried. I told DH that I'm done pursuing a relationship if SS isn't interested. If he comes to me, fine. If he initiates interaction with me, fine. But I won't be initiating anymore. I'm tired of being hurt over and over by a kid who just doesn't give a crap. I'm also not going above and beyond anymore. If this kid needs anything, he can go to one of his birth parents.

I have plenty of people in my life who DO want a relationship with me. If SS isn't interested, that's fine. I'd like a good relationship with him, but I don't need one.