When you come into this commuity and attack any respected member of this site, especially one that many of knows personally, and then continue to argue your point, there is not much leinenicy for the perpetrator. You say you know what we go through, I highly doubt that. Your life seems like a bed of roses compared to the despair people like goingcrazy have been through. Please do not presume that we do not care, we do, that is in fact, the very reason so many people responded so passionately.

~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~

You came here as a "Certified Mediator in the State of Wisconsin" per your own bio. This is my gripe. If you want to be here in your professional capacity, you're probably not going to get much of a welcome. If you hadn't used your business name as your screen name and if you'd put in your bio "former stepmother," rather than listing your occupation, you would have probably been regarded as any other newbie. We'd have filled you in and gone from there. There is a sort of unwritten protocol that most people seem to follow here. Most of us started out by introducing ourselves and giving some background first. The ones who start out by pronouncing unfair judgments on others without knowing their story and without sharing a little about themselves first don't tend to last long here, for obvious reasons.

Jane Smith, former stepmother, joining to share her experiences and to commiserate with others in a like situation is not the same as Gestalt Mediation, Certified Mediator in the State of Wisconsin. If you can't see that, then I certainly can't help you.

It's a big internet. I'll avoid you if you avoid me.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

Mediation that is...I haven't read a post or experianced first hand for my family mediation working out in a positive way. I do know that the majority of judges these days prefer to send parties to mediation to "work out" their disagreements but this just so rarely works. I would invite you and all mediators to really read and listen to all of our posts here. It is like beating your head against a wall when you are a caring step parent. The courts can say what they like...I know that by law we are only "legal strangers" but these were the laws that were adopted many many years ago when the success rate of marriage was just so high. The national journel for the judicial system recently posted an article about how the acceptance of the second marriage and it's subsiquent impact on the family court system. Although the laws have yet to change there are more and more judges awarding visitation for step parents based on the human relationship that has been developed. A child can be adopted by a parent...not be biological to them at all...and still feel that the parent is the parent in every way to them based on this human connection. A step parent that cares about the child/ren is no different.
A father is also looked down upon by most mediators. If the deffinition of a mediator is to be an impartial person to both parties then why is it that comments from mediatiors are so quickly to take a side in conversations? I had a social worker and not ever did she tell me that I was or wasn't something but would ask me to answer her what I thought I was. Now, that is impartial.
My husband is a great dad. He loves his daughter and she is failing school because her mother refused to do the right thing by her but people like you think that it is okay just because she is the mom. Well, what about what the child is being put through. I am just saying.....I read the posts there with goingcrazy She was the mom there. Legally step or not....SHE WAS THE MOM!!! That does not get to just turn off because someone says that she is the "legal stranger". Would the courts and mediators like it if the step parents alienated the step children so that they didn't develop that parental bond? You do realize that this would make the child feel unwanted and rejected? So which in a professional opinion is the best interest of the child???
My husband went to a mediator and the mediator literral said to him "well, she is the mom and that needs to be considered". WTF. He is the dad!!! What do you say to fathers then in your professional opinion???

I am not trying to attack you here. You have a right to your opinions as do the rest of us. I am only wondering if your profession tends to down play us step parents and non custodial parents then why are you here? Your profile doesn't say that you are a bio parent or a step parent. Do you think that you can help us understand something that 99% of us just don't get or something?

I am ony trying to see your position.

See, just like everyone else...I have had some roller coaster days and talking to people here and getting feedback in a safe envirnment has helped me remain sain so many times. Being a step parent is like watching a car crash from a glass box. We know what is happening and what will be next but no one can hear us screaming. We just have to stand there and watch everyone just get hurt!

Oh, and btw....I don't know any parent that is divorced and disagreeing that like each other no matter what the circumstances. It would be like if you had a boss that told you to do the wrong job over and over and then yelling at you each time for doing it wrong...wouldn't you grow to hate your boss??? Just because there is a child there you can not change human emotion. You try to keep it out of decisions but when one parent does the wrong things that put the child in a bad position I know I would fight like hell wouldn't you?

I love this: "I do this partly by refocusing their energy towards productive avenues and behaviors for the future rather than allowing them to stew on emotions of the past. This is how I live my life and it does work for me."

Ok maybe this has worked for you in the past. And that would be great if we could all have that attitude and it REALLY ACTUALLY WORKED - IT DOESNT. That is great advice but what do you do WHEN THE BM IS A CERTIFIED PSYCHO THAT CAN NOT BE REASONED WITH or IS SOME STRUNG OUT CRACK WHORE? Does everything to undermine your relationship, treat your DH like he is the slime of the earth, call him for every little thing, ask for money, use the child as a pawn and makes your life a LIVING GOD DAMN HELL???? I will try to take your advice and not stew about it. Thanks!!!

Right before and ended soon after I joined.

So let me just say that I will reiterate that I didn't disagree with everything you said GS, just the manner which it was said. It did come across as presumptuous, and it appeared you didn't read through some of GC's past blogs before giving what appeared to be a professional, and therefore unbiased opinion. That's the thing.

We are not professionals. We are from a school of hard knocks here. If we give advice we are always (most of us) careful to try to understand the whole story before jumping to our past experience based (or in your case professionally based) opinions. Therefore we are in fact biased. We are BM's and SM's here. So sometimes I respond as a BM, sometimes as a SM and sometimes (most of the time actually since I never was good at compartmentalizing) all of the above.

Recently, I commented on a new comer's blog that she seemed to have an anger issue with her DH's past. That she should seek professional help to make sure that didn't eat her up inside. And my fear in her case, was that her SD would pick up on her negative feelings about the BM and the SD, even if this SM thought she was covering them well.

That's almost literally word for word what I said. Maybe I even said it more gingerly, you'll have to look it up or ask one of my ST friends who came to my defense when this woman attacked me for "attacking" her.

So what's the difference? I had already established a reputation here as being gently honest, and non-judgmental. My friends commented to her that she misunderstood me. However, the new comer had decided I was against her immediately and that was that. Bellacita had the best comment I can recall now. She said it again to you I believe (I'd have to read back and admit that I'm a little tired right now.) She said that newbies don't really know the group and can get defensive when their posts are questioned in any way. I think that's exactly what happened to you. And perhaps in defending your position you lost your own professional "un" bias yourself.

I took that opportunity to remind myself of an unspoken rule of this site that I had really already figured out, but forgot in responding to a poster who did say in the last sentence of her blog

"Help."

I took that as an invitation to give advice.

It was not.
So here's the "rule to which I am referring.

When you are new, or addressing someone new...

Say hi
Welcome
and vent away

For a little while anyway until they feel safe.

I think for you what happened is were new, never really introduced yourself, then stated your opinion in a factual way. I think when people saw your screenname and knew you were likely a mediator, they felt you were giving a professionally based opinion, which is not the nature of this site. And I they (well me included) felt protective of their well established friend, who's history, dedication, and patience with their tragic situation was well documented for us all for a very long time.

So I will leave you with this.

Take the time to know us. We are amazing, intelligent, educated, supportive, nurturing, compassionate, at times hilarious, group of women, who are wading our way through the most difficult and under appreciated "profession." No it isn't stay at home moms, though I'm one of those two. It is in fact the role of SM.

If you did go through this you know what I'm saying is true.

And if you did you also can understand I hope, how sometimes all the unbiased professional training in the world can't prepare you for a real life tragedy.

This is the life GC is living.

So stay if you wish, but get to know us a little without jumping to conclusions. If you can do that, then I promise you the same from all of us in return.

If you just want to continue demanding we agree with you, or we don't know what we're talking about, and getting defensive...

then I don't think you are in the right place.

We get our fill of that from BMs SKs judges, GALs, Mediators, teachers, psychologists...

but not from anyone here.

This is a safe haven for SMs. That's all it is. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Thanks for reading all this if you did.

Oh- and I don't know if the poster I am referring to is here anymore. I did apologize, but not in a PM. I did it on the post for all to see. To me that is the only valid way to do so. That poster did not respond to me on the site or through PM either.

Perhaps you didn't hear from GC because she may have been a bit overwhelmed that her original post was hijacked into chaos. Not to speak for her. But she did get awful quiet.

Hope she read onto to see she was my hero.

But I digress.

Peace, Love, and Red Wine

Zen

ok i dont know you and you dont know me, but this much i do know, i am new here too and i have found the people here to be very friendly and helpful since the lose of my son on new years eve.but do you honestly think that people can just ignore a bio parent so easily when if you do try they just make it impossible?i dont know if you are still a mediator or not but good lord if you are you REALLY need a few more lessons in how this whole step parent bio parent thing works outside the court room, if you do get both parties to agree to anything it wont be long before one or both break the agreement!!!telling people to just ignore the pycho/crack whore is NOT going to work it is only going to piss off the crazy person more therefore making an already messed up situation a dangerous one!!!

You are too funny!!! ROFLMAO

And after Kumbaya- we can sit by the campfire and make smores!
I agree I have long ago given up on being any type of friendly w/BM- I tried for years and excused her every backhanded manipulative action as a women scorned but there comes a time for reality to set in...atleast for those of us who live on earth(BM has her own little world)have to be realistic and say- we can't change them, to understand them we may have to be insane-which they are trying in some of our cases to get us there, and for most- I am only speaking for myself here- I could not imagine caring less for another human being as I do this female at this point-I love my SD, we have a wonderful relationship that I am very thankful for but every thing we have is inspite of BM who would rather be in her constant pitty party of 1-
I come here to keep myself from constantly wanting to reach out and touch someone - in a negative way(even if I call for Cru's frying pan), this is one of the few things I do for myself and only myself.

There is no reason where logic does not exist

I posted another blog about all of this. I actually did a horrible thing all day today and stayed away from the computer. You know, I am such a lousy mom that I decided to spend the whole day with my munchins before they returned to school. My oldest had to have blood work and with her PTSD, it was very hard. We went to breakfast, then to Build A Bear, Disney Store, then to a new place that opened called Incredibles Pizza. I got an email from Anne about the chaos and responded as soon as I could.

To Gestalt, I got your PM and made refernce to it in my other blog. Sincere, it did not feel. But so be it. I told you that I had no hard feelings towards you. That is a waste of my energy. BUT... let me explain why these ladies (and Steve... where are you? Come to my rescue...lol) backed me so quickly. Take adeep breath and sit back because here it is:

The day I met my SD, btw her name is Madi.... We picked her up from visiting her mother for the first time in 18 months. Her mom had just been released from prison for fraud and forgery, drug use and something else that I do not recall. She was on supervised probation and the in a drug court program. Madi was three at the time. My husband got custody of her because BM had been arrested from drugs and was in county jail. She left Madi with her mom who is an alcoholic and prescribtion drug abuser. The grandmother called Dh one night (he had been fighting for custody for about a year when this occurred) and told him that she and her husband were getting a divorce and to come get Madi because she did not want her anymore. DH was at work and told his boss he needed to leave. He was told that if he left he could kiss his job goodbye. And that is what he did. He found his daughter with the grandmother inside a local crack house. This was May 29, 2004. October 2005 the BM got out of jail and the judge ordered visitation... unsupervised. After several momths, I got to know BM and liked her. I tried to open the lines of communication with her and DH and even encouraged DH to allow more visits because "a child needs their mom". He told me that I did not know BM well and that this would blow up in our faces. This lady had her friend plant drugs in DH's truck and call the cops on him. She has had women call me to tell me that DH is cheating on me with them, and she has informed me that she will kidnap Madi if she has the chance. In January 2006, we decided that Madi needed therapy because her behavior was unreasonable. It came out in counseling that her grandfather hits her. CPS was notified by the therapist and nothing was done. A few months later, the judge decided that three months clean and sober was sufficient to take Madi and start transitioning her to go with her mom. So we started three week visits and Madi was torn apart. BM decided to take her off of her astham and allergy medicines because her doctor did not prescribe them, and Madi's condition worsened. Madi also began acting stranger and angrier. She would come home saying that they told her to hate me and be bad for me because it was funny. My life and my BD's life was in shambles. But I loved my husband enough to stand by him. BM began acting stranger and stranger. I met with her on several occassions to try and talk. I really wanted to befriend her. I felt sorry for what she had gone through and was proud of her recovery. Again, DH told me to watch it. She cried on my shoulder many times. And I would encourage her to stay strong, despite the ugliness she subjected Madi to. Madi would come home with extreme nightmares because one of BM's (johns **allegedly) was beating her up, locking her in closets, MAdi would hide under the bed to stay safe, watching her mom use the white stuff on the table in the living room, watching mommy and her friend (female) sleep together and hug and kiss and they wpuld all lay in bed together and play around, her grandfather beating her grandmother up, her grandmother drinking the "drunk juice", having to keep her feet up at the dinner table so the rats did not touche her feet.... I could keep going on.

Then one night DH's phone rang around 2:00 am and it was BM... actually her phone had accidentally dialed and we could hear everything. We heard her screaming, then having sex with a man. When the phone finally hung up, DH called back and some man answered. He demanded to know where BM was and where his daughter was. They guy told him they were both alseep. Madi came home and told us that she spent the whole time with her grandparents because her mom was working at night and day. Madi told us how her (eleven year old) aunt smokes cigarettes and held her down and put a cigarette in her mouth. The next visit, we called after grandmother had just hit Madi numerous times for kicking the back of the car chair. The bruises were still on her. Madi screamed and begged for us to come get her. The judge refused to allow us. She then returned home with a massive burn on her forehead from the aunt "trying to curl her bangs".. yet MAdi said a different version to us. She said that the aunt got mad at her and said she was being bad so she had to get in trouble. Got pictures of that.... CPS refused to do anything. Next visit.... another call accidentally in the middle of the night (about 4:00 am this time). She and her girlfriend were out trying to buy dope, and perform oral sex for the money to buy it. We listened for over an hour. Then called the Sheriff's department to do a welfare check. Nobody could find Madi. We are 400 miles away and have no idea if Madi is dead or alive. DH called her probation officer and told of the situation. Two days later, we got a call from her PO telling us to pick up Madi as quick as we can because they are violating BM and revoking her probation. She came up dirty on a UA. We got there in about two hours, driving well over 100 miles per hour scared out of our minds. About midnight (13 hours after we arrived), we located Madi and with the help of six sheriff's officers, had her removed from her grandparents house, where BM had abandoned her five days earlier. This was ONE week before Christmas. We got her home with a case of pneumonia and she ended up admitted to the hospital because of it's severity. We brought her home Christmas Eve.

Four months later, we get served with papers from the grandparents wanting the monther's visitation. We fought this endlessly. Then during a therapy session, Madi came forward with the allegation that during one of the visits at the grandparents, her aunt had touched her inappropriately on two occassions. She described it in details that a five year old would not know otherwise. They did they special play therapy things they do and the therapist testified that she believed Madi 100%. She requested that the judge not allow her to return to those people until a full investigation happened. Despite this, the judge, along with the GAL tricked us into having the grandparents pick Madi up. We had no knowledge of the order to allow this visit and even the therapist tried to fight it. So MAdi went on a visit for one week. When she returned home after a few days, I found her in the bathtub with her fingers inserted into her vagina. When I asked what she was doing, she broke down. Long story short, she claimed her grandfather had been sexually abusing her. The judge in their state (overseeing the case, having jurisdiction) refused to do anything. And here is why you pissed off so many people:

After so much desperation and nobody wanting to step up and help this child, Anne8102 decided to become proactive. She set up the Campaign for Madi. She set up a petition, a website, demanded justice from every official she could find, she arranged for letter writing, phone calls, national exposure. Then suddenly every man and woman on this site came on board. They raised funds for legal matters, and got people on every level to take notice. Governor Bill Richardson was notified and turned a blind eye, and these women took up for me then too. You cannot even begin to understand what took place during those months. The judge in our case has since stepped down, the police department is reorganizing, things were so intense that our blogs and notifications were being censored. I was being threatened to stop, yet these ladies kept fighting for Madi and my entire family.

A judge in the state we live in ordered a restraining order because of the evidence that existed for the abuse. Again, their state bullied us and it was transferred. They modified it and gave the grandmother the right to supervise the visits so long as the grandfather and aunt are not left alone with Madi. The BM was ordered to call once a week from prison and I even had Madi write letters, color pictures, etc to send to her. I wrote her letters encouraging her to stay clean, sent her pictures of Madi. But as usual, she stopped calling or writing.About every three of four months she would call. Then would drop off the earth. When DH asked her why, she said it hurt her too much so she just did not want to deal with it. So when you said it was about the child.... you were right. And I am the one who is always thinking about the child. She was then court ordered to be consistent in MAdi's life and calls were take place every Tuesday. She called one time on a three way call, which is illegal. We contacted the prison warden and he told us to notify the people who were allowing her to do this and he would take care of it on his side. He insisted that we do not allow those calls because we could get in trouble ourselves. Never heard from her again.

During the 18 months that BM was out of the picture, Madi went through a roller coaster of emotions. Anger, hate, fear, love... you name it. She would rage and try to hurt herself, she tried to hurt me, tried pushing me away and I refused to budge. I made every therapy appointment, every parent teacher meeting, every doctor appointment. I changed my line of work so that I could be 100% available to whatever physical, emotional and educational needs she has. And through those 18 months, she discovered that a mom is supposed to love and keep promises. For the first time in her life, she knows that someone loves her and is not leaving her. She has grown and matured and deals with things completely different now. She sat down one day about 8 months ago and asked why I wasnt her real mom. I told her that God did not choose me to be that way. She said that God knew she needed a good mom, so he picked me. She told me that she wished that I was her real mom because (my real daughter) her sister had the best mom in the world and she wanted a good mom too. Could she tell people that I was her real mom? I told her that I loved her and BD the exact same and it did not matter to me that she did grow in my tummy because she grew in my heart and that is all it took. In my eyes she is my real daughter. A couple days later, she came to me again and asked me to adopt her. I asked her where she learned that. She said that she knew when a little girl did not have a mom that a lady could take papers to the judge and ask for a daughter. She asked me to do that because BM was not her real mom anymore. I told her that if that is what she truly wanted, I would do everything in my power to make it happen. I told her that I could not promise her because we never know what the judge will say, but I would do my best and try forever if that is what she wanted. But we do not need a piece of paper to say I am her mom. Our hearts already agree. That is how that whole topic came up.

The BM has been out of prison for almost three months. She saw Madi one time for a few hours and that was it. MAdi came home and told me that she never wanted to see any of them again and to please never make her go back. She has no desire to see anyone from that side and says they are all mean to her and she wants to stay where she knows she is safe.

Gestalt... I have left out SOOOOO much. But can you see now why your words were not accepted around here? You need to get to know someone before you post any advice. And your mediation services are not welcome here... your friendship would have been. When I do not know someone new on here, I let them post a little before I offer any advice. And then, I begin by asking questions and understanding their situation. You came here and jumped all over me and judged me like there was no tomorrow. There is a special bond between us on this site. Your tone and attitude was not accepted nor appreciated and I hope that now you understand why. Please do not judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

Just slam that door right in her face why don't ya? I don't have the energy for this person anymore...........I'm done.

GC.....Thanks for putting the edited version of your "story" out there as I myself didn't know all of it, and am sure I still don't. I just wish I'd have joined sooner to be a part of the previous campaign. I KNOW I could've helped. I think you are an amazing stepmom "mom" and I am not sure I could have gone through all you did.

Ok - I have been trying to stay out of this but now I MUST respond. I don't know what planet you're from lady - but there is only so much people can take. Maybe in Willy Wonka land you can always keep your cool and respond to people calmly and rationally but in the real world - sorry to say that is not always a possibility. I know that I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I love and trust me if someone were hurting them or placing them in danger I would not be PC in my conversations with the perpertrators. That low life b**** heard exactly what she deserved to hear and what she needed to hear from GC. Who knows maybe it will actually sink in this time since all of her previous efforts of trying to make peace and offer support to this psycho haven't made a difference. I don't know how GC managed to keep her cool with these despicable people for as long as she did - I would've blown my top a long time ago.
You see I am a realist - I know that the world is not roses and sunshine everyday. Sometimes really bad things happen to good people who don't deserve them and sugarcoating the language with a bunch of "lets all hold hands mumbo jumbo" is not going to correct the situation. Sometimes you need to get angry and passionate in order for people to understand you mean business!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

You can't come on this site and trot out your neatly colored- coded "Mediation Manual" which answers all of life's hard situations in one neat-and-easy flow chart page...

HMMMM.
PROBLEM: Crack whore BM? See page 27. Part 3.
ANSWER: "Do not engage"

WAKE UP CALL: real life doesn't work that way. It's insulting to those of us who deal with these crazy BMs every day.

Don't you think the easiest solution for us all would be for us just to ignore them? Well, why don't we then? We're not idiots. We're intelligent women.

The point is, and someone else posted this previously, it is THEIR CRAZY behavior that MAKES it impossible for them to simply be ignored.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

you tell me how many times you can listen to your BM tell your ss that his father is a son of a bitch and that she wished he would die and got to hell before you lose your temper. I will tell you how many times 1! Agreed argument is not the way to solve anything and avoiding the drama is way easier said than done especially when the child is used to get your attention by not doing best by him. The reason it is easy for you to say for all of us to keep our cool and ignore it is because you do not live it in your personal life. Carefull what you say before you know the whole story. Being a step-parent is the HARDEST job I have ever done and it breaks my heart to see our BM who is unreasonable certified crazy say those things to ss about his dad and try to push her feelings for him onto her son.We are about to go back to court to get a weeks at a time and I can tell you how it is going to go...up in smoke... BM will not agree to anything except taking our current time away and getting more money for herself. Life is never how we think it should be. It is what it is.

Has it crossed anyone's mind that Gestalt may be very new at their job. Anyone else in their position or with their position for any length of time would have the experience to know how to deal with all the parties involved. I can only think that having any position that has to deal with all the drama that goes on in mediation would be very sensitive to the subject matter and be IMPARTIAL to all. It does seem as though Gestalt was taking sides. Isn't it an unspoken truth that we (here) are all on the side of the children? Who would even question that or try to remind us as if we could forget what we are fighting for everyday? Personally, I would burn out very quick having a job like that. Hopefully, for your sake Gestalt, you have sucessfully "poked the bear" here and will be more careful in your everyday dealings with parties who need or require your "professional advice".
__________________________________________________________________
"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier

I have an open mind and I truly believe that we are all capable of good.

I used to think my skids' BM was subhuman. She used her children to rip my husband's heart out and giggle at his demise.

I hated her. The only reason I didn't scream back at BM is because she's held the trump card all along. She is the mother in a biased court system. So I chewed my words and ate her bullshit with a knife and fork.

I still do.

I will always compromise and I have taken up residence on the high road. I come here to let out the frustration and I don't need to be told what is in the best interest of the children. I already know. I get reminded every flippin day about what is "right".

Gestalt, can't you just accept defeat and go away? I'm tired of all the debating going on and the hijacking of this site.

You are a lot like my BM and I don't really care to argue with her either. It's pointless.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

My intent by clarifying my story was not to continue the saga. I do not like discord or drama. I wanted GS to understand what it was that I had actually been through and why it struck a nerve with so many people. It all needs to end. If some of you don't like her, then steer clear of her. If you like what she has to say, by all means read her posts. That is why we are here.

I am still overwhelmed by the love and support that all of my girls have given me. Personally, I prefer to steer clear of the drama that is seeming to follow Gestalt. I am here for anyone who needs a shoulder or advice. But I also expect to have the same respect returned to me when I post. As for Wicked2Three... unfortunately the posts on my particular subject did get very personal because these ladies stood by and fought for my SD as if she was my own. They made calls to politicians and reporters and attorneys and police staff... hour upon hour. So it did become personal.

But all of this posting has to end. Let bygones be bygones. I still think all of you are the coolest group fo ladies I could be blessed to know!!! Hugs to all of you.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

Gestalt, I have tried very hard to read you posts with an open mind and I can't figure out why you continue to be antagonistic? You are perpetuating this situation - this is the last time I will be posting on this....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin