I agree your DH should have been the one to delete the account. And, he should not even have been needed to be asked. He should've just done it. By you doing it yourself you were never going to get peace of mind from that. Still men don't think right I'm convinced of that.

This really is up to you. Do you want to stay in the marriage. Do you want to make it work. Lots of marriages survive affairs. But they don't do that when one party holds a grudge, continually brings if up, uses it to punish the other, or really cannot forgive.

I think you need to talk this through with
Your DH. If he genuinely wants the marriage to work, then he is going to have to give you what you need to help you move forward. That may be in part honest answers to any and all questions you have. He may have to listen to you asking questions for a while, and he needs to just answer, not question why you're asking. He knows why. You have lost trust. He betrayed you.

This is going to take a lot of work on both your parts. But if you both want the marriage to work. It will. Clearly there needs to be changes. He needs to understand that.

However I would caution you. If you do decide to try and make this marriage work. You should avoid bringing this up in any arguements. Ask your questions when you need he needs to understand that. But try not to use the affair as a weapon.

This will be hard and he is going to have to understand he broke it he's going to have to do the hard work to fix it if he wants the marriage.

He needs to understand as much as men just want to sweep it under the carpet and never mention it again. Women need answers. We need to talk about it. That's how we work. He has to do things you're way here if the marriage is to survive.
So work out what it is you need and tell him what you need and why. Then Take it from there.

I wish you all the very best.

I don't understand something. Both of you may be able to help me.

What you have both experienced. Is a heartless and cruel betrayal from
Your husbands. Both of you would have had your guts ripped out. To think the man you blindly trusted as we as women tend to do, would go behind your back and cheat would make you physically sick. I have no problems understanding that.

This is the thing I don't understand. Never have. And it seems to happen all the time.

A husband cheats. He makes vows to his wife. He promises to be faithful to her. Often they start a family together and have children in the mix. Then for whatever reason. Instead of telling his wife he is unhappy. He gets involved with another woman. Then often is sleeping with both those women making sure that he keeps himself happy and of course the wife in the dark. They as husband and wife have a healthy sex life, do the wife has no clue he is sleeping around with someone else. He would be telling the girlfriend he is so unhappy with his wife and having a healthy sex life with her too, therefore confirming in her mind that there is nothing going on at home. That he and his wife are no longer a couple. In guessing he gives her a whole lot of bs as to why he can't leave. Kids, wife sick and he just can't leave at this time, his family don't believe in divorce it would kill then it religious reasons, which prevent him getting divorced , but don't prevent him sleeping around. Whatever he is lying his guts out. Then when the wife finds out he is a lying cheating son of a bitch. She somehow transfers part or all of the responsibity for cheating onto the other woman. As if but for this other woman there would have been no affair. She led him astray. As if it was up to her to keep his marriage vows. As if the husband was a little boy who was ked astray and had no say in it. This woman broke up the marriage.
Often the marriage continues and as in both your cases the other woman is hated and blamed for the lying and cheating your husbands did. She as in both your cases has been contacted and warned off. Yet you both stay with the man who broke the vows you made to each other. You feel sick at the thought of the other woman (understandable) but you bust your guts to make the marriage work and you sleep with the man who knowing he was married to you, who promised to be faithful to you, you work on forgiving him and you blame the woman he slept with as if he had no choice. As if she drugged him and carried him to her bed.

I really am curious about this. I put myself in this situation and to be honest I doubt very much my marriage would survive it, because I do not think for one second I'd be wasting my thoughts on gone other woman, let alone the time it takes to contact her. I would lay the blame fair and square where it belonged. On my husband. I doubt id be so generous as to make excuses for him by saying that in part the other woman was at fault, that somehow, she made him do it. That it was up to her not to let my husband cheat with her. To my mind that is saying your husband is not fully responsible for his own actions. Now if I could not trust my husband to be responsible for his own actions, if I felt that everytime he was out if my sight he was at risk if some woman seducing him. If be getting him professional help or I'd be outta there.

I am in a minority here. I get that women seem to be able to move on with the husband yet carry hatred and anger for the other woman forever.
So that is my question. Your husbands are grown men. Your husbands made a decision to sleep with two women at the same time. And you could bet your soul he wasn't telling the other woman what a happy marriage he was in. Your husband was the one who cheated on you, the other woman made no vows or promises to you. She did not cheat on you. She could have come onto your husband stark naked 24/7 if she liked it was his place to say NO I have a wife at home. Yet society and most wives seem to excuse the lying cheating son of a bitch, and remove the responsibility for having an affair from him if not in its entirety then certainly in part from the husband and place it onto the woman.

I doubt I could deal with the emotions that would avoke. I cannot see myself staying in and working on the marriage if I had to deal with the hatred I felt for the other woman. The feelings of betrayal from the affair, the fact that I was married to a man that other women could lead astray because he couldn't be trusted to say no. It would be too much for me. I would find it easier to (I think) blame my husband completely. Because it would not matter to me whether he slept with another woman behind my back or a horse. The fact that he was havind sex outside the home and was deliberately hiding it from me is no one else's fault but his. To my mind getting over this tremendous betrayal would be very very difficult. I would find it easier to deal with the issue of being betrayed by one person. My husband. Which you could work on and move forward from. Than to be dealing with the betrayal from him and hatred for her.

She would be nothing to me. If be fully foccused on him and what he did. Not who or what he did it with.

Now in saying this. If this other woman was you sister or your best friend. I get it. Both of them betrayed you. That would not be a hurt you could cast aside. That would be worse than anything. But some old flame or random woman. I'd forget her and work on the person who is a grown man and responsible for his own choices and actions. I'd do that for my sake and my piece of mind. Not for her or for him. But for me.

Just wondering if contacting her and warning her off gave you any sense of peace or security. I don't think it would make me feel better. Now if my husband had said, without me suggesting it, that he would contact her and end it. And he did it under my nose there and then. That might help a little. But me doing it. I can't imagine it. I would feel he made a fool of me with this woman, now I am making a bigger one of myself. I would not be giving him or her the satisfaction.

Would it not be easier to forget all about her and just deal with him. Because he really is the one who hurt you. She was just the tool he used.

I am genuine in asking this question, I haven't been put in this position, but for as long as I can remember have wondered why the other woman is always at fault, the blame sticks with her, she carries it around like some black mark on her soul, and the guy, well he moves on. Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles for example. Good Lord his position in society and the world alone should have stopped him, let alone having a wife and two kids to consider. He publically shamed his entire family, made a fool of his wife and hurt his kids.............Whose fault is it. Camilla's. She is still the woman who broke up (clearly single handedly, nothing to do with him), his marriage, yet he is not wearing a sticker on his head saying he was an adulterer. Nope all good for him. On this last visit to Australia it was brought up in the media how people would take to HER, given SHE broke up HIS marriage. Not one word of what people might think of him. I do find it odd.

I did understand it wasn't physical Gabrielsmom. But I would feel exactly as you do. Emotional or physical or a cyberspace relationship such as you described is still a betrayal of your trust and your marriage. I would think the pain and hurt you feel perfectly normal and completely understandable. It is cheating.

Would you, should you end your marriage over it. Well I know nothing of your marriage or what has gone on, so my opinion doesn't count. I will just to give you another perspective on it from someone not emotionally involved, by saying this.

We are all human. We all do stupid things. Male or female we can all get a big head over having our ego stroked. Men in particular I think. They have more insecurities about their sexual prowess than women and seen to need constant reassurance they are a stud.

That does not make this right. I think your husband absolutely did the wrong thing here. I think your feelings, and take on it, are spot on.

However if your marriage is TOO YOU in all other areas good. If you do love him, and if you think that YOU can get past this without throwing it up in every arguement down the track , well then maybe you should look at what you need from him to fix it

It's not up to you to get over it so things can get back on track. It's up to him to make it better. A good starting point for you perhaps would be to know if he gets it now. Does he see he was cheating on you or does he still think with the bill Clinton mentality. No coitus no crime.

If he gets it. Really gets it. Then maybe you could really take a long hard look deep inside yourself, and see what if anything it is you need him to do in order for you to be abke to begin to have some faith and trust in him again. take your time, and get it right. Because for it to work you can't tell him today I need this and then tomorrow I need that and keep moving the goal posts. That only gives him the impression you will never forgive him and for the rest of your lives you will always be doing this. Worse still, it keeps you locked in the betrayal and ruins your life.

No one is perfect. He has royally screwed up. But he was never going to be perfect. We are all human.

I am not supporting him. He's a stupid arse. That missing chromosome men have is I'm convinced missing from the brain.

I feel horrible for you. I really do. The way I see it. You have three issues. Your husband cheated on you. You hate or spend a lot of time worrying about the woman he cheated with. And you are stuck in the angry stages of grief with your husband.

Perfectly normal. He ripped your guts out. So no point in beating yourself up because you can't just get over it.

I think you can work it out if that is what you both want. I think you knowing he genuinely knows he cheated would be a good start. Because if he really doesn't get it. How can you trust him not to do it again. I'm sure if you did it. He see it differently.

For your sake I'd try and forget her. It could've been anyone. And as you know you got no peace of mind blocking her, so your not going to get any keeping her in your mind. Lets be honest. You block her, you stop nothing. If he really wants contact how easy would it be to set up another account. I guess that is in the back if your mind too.

If he knows what he did was cheating and wrong. He if he loves you, he won't do it again. He will have learnt.

She is nothing to you. She is just another of his victims in this. That's up to her to learn the lesson. So wipe her from your mind every time she crosses it. To me, and we all feel differently, but to me, I would never be able to move past it and move on with or without my husband if I had constant thoughts of "the other woman", it would seem silly to me to keep her in my mind, she did not cheat on me, my husband did, would be my take on it. I think, I have not been there so talks cheap. Maybe if it happend to me I'd see it differently. But I think not, I think for my own sanity I would just deal with what I would see as my one problem - my husband whom I had just discovered I could not trust. That is enough for anyone to have to deal with.

The grief you feel is no different from a death. You have endured a tremondous loss. The foundation of your marriage has gone. The trust.

I think that is the only problem you have. You need if you want to stay. Rebuilt the trust. You need to tell him what he needs to do to start the building process and he has to do it. Even if that means you ask him a million questions a day until YOU get sick of asking the questions. And he needs to calmly, and with understanding answer them. Can he do that. That's up to him.

I think you need to be a bit selfish about this. You need to make this all about you, what you need, what you want. You have been hurt. You need to work out what you need to make you better.
You need to make for your own peace of mind a decision. Go or stay. Once you come to a decision. You can start to feel better. Staying in uncertainty is not helpful.

The easiest decision would be to stay. So why not stay. Tell him exactly what you need from him. And move forward with your mindset being. Ok im going to see if we can make this work. Your not locked in. If it doesn't work. If he cannot make you feel that he can be trusted. Then you can change your mind. It would be easier doing it that way, than it would be to leave. Given you are conflicted about leaving and stuck in grief I think if I were in your situation making a decision would allow me to start to move past the grief and start to rebuild my life.

Who knows maybe you can both rebuild a better life. But don't deny yourself the chance. You've already had something taken from you. So now you have to get stronger, wiser, and a little more selfish. You need to love yourself enough to insist your needs are met and you are treated with love and respect.

The thought crossed my mind when you came back and answered my post, with - perhaps you didn't make yourself clear, it was an emotional not physical thing, that in some way, you were trying to make it not so bad. It came across (to me), that you were somewhat trying to tidy it up and sanitize it. You do not have to do that, you do not have to try and minimize it in your own mind to make it okay. I'm sure your husband explained it away like that, why wouldn't he. You and I would too if the shoe were on the other foot. But no matter what it was, you got hurt, you felt and were betrayed. And it'a perfectly okay, justifiable and right for you to feel betrayed. But, it is not in YOUR best interests to stay stuck in it.

I hope you can decide what is best for you soon. You do not deserve to be the one still in the most pain. You do not have to be the one still suffering the loss. Go get em girl. Grab the bull by the horns and tell that prick how its gonna be from now on and have a wonderful Christmas and a wonderful life.