I can only do so much**More of a "I need to get this out"**
SD3 came over Friday morning around 10 (I was at work). She will sometimes do this thing where she lists off who she likes, for example she likes the dog, she likes the cat, she likes mommy, etc. I guess this time she didn't say FTMandSM. And of course SO just had to ask, "Don't you like FTMandSM?" She says, "No, cause she doesn't like my mommy." He tells her that everybody likes everybody..blah blah blah. Personally I really don't care. 1 reason being she is 3!! She will like me one second and the next she doesn't. It's a three year old!! Anyway, to the point. So keeps telling me that he wants me to do things to bond with her. Like take her to the park, take her shopping, take her on an errand, etc. I keep trying to tell him, I can do all those things, BUT it's really all up to BM. SD will more than likely NOT like me in the long run because I don't like her mom or her mom doesn't like me so she will have to side with BM. He keeps telling me to not give up so easily and I'm won't for him, just yet anyway. I tell him, only time will tell.
Has anyone been in their Skids life since they were between 1 and 2 yrs old? And how did it turn out for you?
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BM and her family talk about
BM and her family talk about us all the time in front of her. For the past couple months she has been coming over and saying things like this. I got previous advice from here on how to handle such behaviour. Typically we ignore it. I'm not sure why SO decided to ask her about it. She has said that if I don't mind my own business mommy is going to "cut" me, that I don't like her mom, that her dad doesn't like her mom. Lots of things. It's sad that her mom and family just don't realize what they are doing to SD. She never wants to be at our house because her mom "misses her and she needs to be with her."
Sometimes we change that
Sometimes we change that subject to something more positive. He has a really hard time with this. He tells me he's not really sure what to do because he's afraid what he says will come out in the wrong way. This past time he just said that everybody likes everybody. Its tough to get these thoughts out of SD's mind because we have her on the weekends only and she gets poisoned from these toxic people.
sD was 2 when I came into the
sD was 2 when I came into the picture. Just turned 2. Bm says those things about me too. I spend lots of time with sd. And I do take her to do things. She says mommy doesn't like tjh but I think tjh likes mommy. In order for her to make her own opinion about me she has to have something to base that opinion off of. She bases it off of her relationship with me. Which she wouldn't have if I did nothing with her. If you don't want to do things with her that's up to you, but in my situation with the custody my fdh has, I would never be happy if I was just sitting around waiting for a time he doesn't have kids. For me, I may as well not be with him if I don't do things with his kids too.
I totally get the she's not yours. But bm doesn't get to say what relationship you have with her. Don't give bm that much power. Be a positive presence in her life if you want to. But don't expect anything in return. I feel like if you don't want to do that, you should run. Far and fast. Because it's a long time to wait for her to be out of the house.
You have three variables
You have three variables here:
1. SO is subscribing to the "one big happy family" model (TM) which quickly deteriorates into the "ostrich syndrome" where SO refuses to believe there is PAS going on ("BM wouldn't do THAAAAAAT") Half the time, I think that these biodads believe that the BM still holds a candle for them and wouldn't POSSIBLY try to ruin the relationship between biodad and his kids.
SO needs to pull his head out of a dark and unsanitary place and counteract the obvious PAS like Tog mentioned.
2. Depends on the maturity and intelligence of the child. A few children are genuinely grieved over the rift and can be "counter PASed" Most children, however view it as a manipulation opportunity to get "stuff"
3. Also depends on the level of PAS coming from the BM's camp. Sounds like your case is pretty typical where the BM and clan join in to bash dad in front of the child(ren). No amount of "bonding" on your part will overcome the PAS coming from the BM's camp. ONLY BIODAD can make a few inroads when their is a high conflict situation (which is more the norm than not).
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses! They are all very helpful!! I really do want to do things with her here and there to build a relationship. I guess I was hesitant because of some of the things I have read on here. I want to be a positive presence in her life. I really love my SO and I care about his daughter! Sometimes I am a little unsure of how to handle being a "SM". It is good to hear positive Skid situations!!!!!
Good luck, I'm sorry but I
Good luck, I'm sorry but I can't be that optimistic. I've seen too many cases where biodad tells SM just to "try harder" The harder SM tries, the more resentment builds up in the BM who is determined to trash the relationship. Get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin
Ugh..I didn't really think
Ugh..I didn't really think about the resentment BM will have. I feel like I'm damned if I damned if I don't. Which, I'm finding, is a pretty common saying in step life.
This! I have known SD7 since
This! I have known SD7 since she was 1. I often have to remind SD "No one can tell you how to feel about other people or what relationships you can have, your feelings belong to YOU, it's YOUR decision". Her BM and SF like to tell her my parents /family are NOT her family. She has called my mom Grandma since she could talk. Giving her ownership of her feelings has helped her a lot!
Also I have never badmouthed BM to her in any way. She often vents about BM, I think she gets a lot of attention for doing this at BM 's talking about us. But I always say "oh maybe she had a bad day" or "those are just the rules at BM's" if it's something completely wrong, I will correct BMs words but not in a rude way.
I always spent a lot of time coloring, playing barbies, going to parks etc with SD and she adores me! I think if you don't put some effort into a relationship with her you will just be proving BM right when she says negative things about you. SD knows I care about her because I show her with quality time, so BM can say anything, but I don't think SD would believe that I'm "mean" or "hate" in any way.
I often think SD could easily hate me when she turns 13 or at any age. Hopefully not but for now I'll just remain the same and hope for the best. I can't predict the future!
"If you have a weak minded
"If you have a weak minded child it doesn't matter how nice or loving you are, if the whore says STAB the child will only ask ,"How deep? "
Very true-the third element. All three of my skids are extremely weak minded and are nothing but BM-bots at 17, 15 and 11
I really empathize - it is so
I really empathize - it is so hard right now, no matter how much people say "it'll get easier" or "try not to take it personally".... I really feel for you. My BF and I are expecting our first child and have been living together for nearly 2 years and his BS(5 now)(my SS) is still an atrocious clingy brat at the best of times, but he makes a HUGE fuss about holding my hand in situations where it's necessary, and he used to say over and over and over at the dinner table (to get a reaction presumably, and I suspect to get praise from BM) "my sister doesn't want to be here because my mum hates you" or "you're my mums arch nemesis" (I have no idea where they get this from - with BM they watch a lot of TV, but not with us). Anyway SD9 and I get along famously now because I spoke with her directly, clearly and without fuss, honestly about what was going on- as best I could. I made a big effort with both of them to tell them off (with the absolute support of my BF, who won't tolerate them being rude or talking back to me)when they were being rude, and I rewarded them almost over the top with kindness when they were good- I also tried to make an effort to put aside some time just with them and I to do things they enjoy, so that spending time with me is an enjoyable experience. Look, I won't go on and on, but feel free to message me if you want- 3 is a really really difficult age but it does get better if you are open to it and willing to try extra hard, with a few tears and a bit of screaming along the way. Fast forward to now and both SD and SS are really excited about the baby and being brothers and sister , and we all get along as well as we can most of the time. We do our best. Of course if it were perfect, I wouldn't spend so much time on this website... hahaha
GOOD LUCK!!! 
I also agree with steplife, never badmouth BM no matter HOW tempting it may be, and choose gentle honesty where you can, with occasional bluntness and a got brisk walk around the block when nothing else will work....