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just don't know what to think

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:02am

So we live over 5 hours (under 10) from SD , so BM sends me a text yesterday stating she sent the same text already to DH basically saying that she wishes we could coparent better (umm I personally think we coparent just fine being so far away) and wishes we could come this weekend for their Halloween party and surprise SD. Maybe it is easy for some to do, but we can''t just pick up and go away like that. I believe BM is putting it in SD head that she should keep asking DH to come for certain events, like she is the one who moved that far away and then it is on us to go see SD when DH has already made it clear to BM that if SD wants to visit we can meet at court appointed meeting point and she can come visit. ARGHHHH. And yes eventually we will make the visit but at this point with our jobs and other responsibilites we cannot at the current moment.

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:27am

I'd pretend I ever saw the message and let DH respond.  So sad you're unable to attend, we'll see you next time.

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 10:18am

I ignored the text from last night, this morning Bm sends me a text with a picture of SD in jeans saying isnt this cute, I just responded to that so cute! 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:29am

Dear BM:  I will assume you like to receive your child support on a regular basis. For that to happen I need to work everyday.  I question your sanity that you repeatedly forget this fact of life.  If my spending time with SD is so important to you, I can ask the court to switch custody to me and you can make the trips to see her.  Let me know if I should file asap.  

smto2kids's picture

Submitted by smto2kids on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:57am

Wow, so basically he would be telling BM that his only role is to be a wallet. BIg mistake. Spending time with  SD won't benefit BM, it will benefit SD. I agree that it's mostly BM's fault since she was the one who moved away, but there's nothing wrong with SD wanting to have both her parents present at events. It's only natural 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 9:46am

BioHo tried that with me when DH didn't respond quickly enough to suit her (he rarely responds to texts). My response to 'Ho has always been ~crickets~

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 10:20am

thank you, I am the type of person who feels like I always need to respond to people... I am begining to understand crickets is the way to go!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 4:59pm

Oh, there were plenty of things I'd've like to have said but managed to refrain. I swear I've worn my teeth down gritting them and have tons of scars where I bit my tongue. But in the end, it was worth all of the teeth grinding and tongue biting because there is absolutely nothing 'Ho can fall back on to say "well Aniki said/did this awful thing!" At SD's wedding, I overheard two of her friends expressing surprise that I was far from the horrid beeyotch 'Ho made me out to be.

So I totally get that you want to respond, but you may be glad you did not later.

Funny how no one ever heard about the dishwater dousing incident... *dirol*

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 10:25am

oops.

BMs always seem to like to paint bio fathers as the "bad" one. And making things more difficult with visitation seems to be very common.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 10:33am

Your DH should remind BM that she is the one who moved away. That he would love to be more involved and if she really wanted him to be, she would move THEIR child back. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 12:37pm

What was the driver for the move?  a boyfriend.. job? just wanted a fresh start?  wanted to minimize dad's involvement?

Whatever the reason.. I do think that your husband should make some effort to try to go see her "events" like maybe a sporting event.. or play she performs in.. band recital.. awards ceremony.. that kind of thing.

What I don't think he should have any obligation to attend is parties thrown by his EX.  even if you were in the same town? no.. that's not reasonable.. nor is it required for parents to do that while they are coparenting... good coparenting basically means that the parents are on the same page with regards to expectations for their child..or at the very least.. don't undercut the other parent's ability to parent when the child is with the other parent.

I don't think it would be wrong to point out to BM that she was the one that created the distance... and that obviously makes it very difficult logistically and financially to do things with SD that are not during her time with dad.  It's not that he doesn't want to see SD more.. but the distance makes that very difficult.  He could even offer up that he would be interested in more custody time if BM would do the transportation (given that she caused the transport issue).

I think he might even be on fairly solid ground to point out (without malice or anger/emotion).. that it would be helpful if BM were more flexible on her end as well.  That he had no problem having SD that week when she wanted to tag along on her BF's business trip.. and that missing school wasn't an issue that week.. but when he made a similar request of time... so that his daughter could be part of his wedding celebration.. all of a sudden the rules had changed.  In his mind.. coparenting works both ways.. and requires BOTH parties to be flexible.  

Finally... he can tell BM that they don't have to socialize together as parents.. to be good coparents to their daughter.. that he is sure that the party will be wonderful.. but he is not interested in attending joint social events with his EX and her new BF.  That this is wholly different than other future ceremonies like a graduation or a wedding.

 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 8:14am

Thank you for your detailed and appreciated insight. I do agree DH will eventually go see SD, but at this time with his job it is not feasable. We feel it would make most sense when he is able to have the time to go and not just pop in for an hour or two to see a school event but be able to plan an extra day to visit, no use driving that far if he cannot really see her. Basically yes, BM needs to be flexible, she moved there because of bf and got married and basically made SD believe that where they live is much better, even though we live in one of the top suburbs in our state where they live is much better. Like BM should say to SD your lucky to have two nice houses in two nice suburbs! Make her feel positive about dads house... and honestly I have no problem doing a social event, I can stand BM and I havent had a reason to have an issue with the stepdad as of yet ... just need more notice and be able to be off work ect.

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 12:19pm

Similar situation here, BM moved away before divorce was filed.

She likes to text DH about all these important SD events and give him less than 24 hrs notice. Then berate him if he can't make it. It's especially annoying when it's on weekdays. If it was really important to BM or SD then he would have known ahead. BM just wants him to say no so she can tell SD he said no. She didn't want him to attend, the no was the point.

Once in a while DH did manage to go and BM started giving him less and less notice then blaming him for not being involved.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:15pm

It seems like the 24 hour notice is standard in the HCBM rulebook. Our BM always gave 24 hour or less notice for stuff and then would get mad when DH couldn't swing it, going on about how DH constantly forced her to be the only parent due to his lack of involvement. 

Yet, if DH gives BM one week of notice for something like a change in pick-up location, she berates him for giving "too short of notice" and asks him to be more considerate of her, by giving her more advanced notice. If BM can't be expected to pull herself together in a week, she can't expect DH to pull himself together in 24 hours. 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 8:17am

Completely understand that! I many times give BM benefit of the doubt but after DH's family telling me over and over BM is doing this to make a point to SD look DH is not making effort or we dont want to see her. Not the case. It's a lot more than just hopping in a care and driving there. Then when she comes here it is like she has all this built up maddness towards up, ughhh

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 2:49pm

If BM really want to Co- parent. Have your SO involved in his SD's  life    She would not of moved over five hours away. 
Either BM is crazy or just playing good BM.  Nobody in a real life can travel over 10 hours to watch there kid in a sporting event, play.  Back to school night. 
To travel Five hours one way and Five hours back. Just can not be done.  
I hope the good BM is doing the transportation for time DD spends at BF house   That will help with co parenting 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Submitted by frustratedbonusmom on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 8:20am

Exactly, its over 7 hours ... so yah not easy and it does involve cost because of tolls, gas, car rental because his vehicle is older (oh because he made sure BM got a car and she had it repo'd and ruined his credit) so now she drives a brand new vehicle after skrewing him over. They have a meeting point when SD comes and they do drive a bit farther than we do.

floralsm's picture

Submitted by floralsm on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 3:24pm

If Toxic BM ever got hold of my mobile number and invited me to a party she held, I would immediately change my number haha. (Not she would even attempt too, she dispises anything associated with me being with her ex and him choosing me over her.. but with her mind games who knows she might hit me up one day? Eeeek). 

Definitely act like you didn't receive the message and not reply. She will hopefully get the hint. 
 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Thu, 10/20/2022 - 5:09pm

Our BM felt this way after she moved SS 4 hours away to move-in with her GF. She felt it was completely reasonable to ask DH to physically attend routine doctor appointments, school events, and sporting events. When DH explained that it was unreasonable due to the distance, BM would always freak out and call him a deadbeat Dad.

BM tried to get 21 days of out-of-state visitation per year added to the CO, forcing DH to come visit SS in BM's state 7 times per year. The judge denied it, to which BM remotioned for it multiple times. Ultimately the judge denied it and told BM it was completely unreasonable. BM went on to say that it isnt fair for SS to have to travel to see his Dad. His Dad should have to travel to see him... That was shot down instantly. 

IMO, women who move their children far away from an active, involved Dad are the deadbeats. I understand that sometimes moves are unavoidable but it always seems like these women move for love interests or to get as far away from Dad as possible.