Just a Question About Angry BM's on StepTalk :)

Ok, now that I've been around a few days and am getting the feel for the neighborhood...
Why are these angry BM's on ST and why is Jerry Falwell and Sarah Palin here under screen names?

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Couldn't resist because I

Couldn't resist because I believe that LIFE IS SHORT when you are miserable.

Francesca - I love your sense

Francesca - I love your sense of humor - I am sitting in my bedroom cracking up right now!!! Thank you I needed that!

Thanks! I thought I'd poke a

Thanks! I thought I'd poke a little fun at them.

I'm here as an angry SM and

I'm here as an angry SM and BM

Welcome to the dichotomy of my life

(not actually angry BM though) I was once tho!! I do bite in defense of BM's tho

Hahah it's my word of the

Hahah it's my word of the week! Learned it at Uni! Haha

nod I suspect it's a good

*nod* I suspect it's a good in between word for when we have two compartmentalisation boxes out..

I am an angry SM - not so much an angry BM (but if any BM should be a psycho BM, I think I qualify!). That's why I STILL have a hard time wrapping my head around what our BM does/doesn't do in the name of "getting back at" DH.

I'm a SM and BM but

I'm a SM and BM but definitely not and angry BM

I think most here are

I think most here are both..sm and bm. This isn't for sm only. I also think those that are both bm/sm can say the sm are the angry ones-it all depends on how people view life i guess. I'm a BM and very possibly future SM tryign to gain perspective on how blended families work on things...like in how they find solutions. I'm sure I'll vent from time to time as well.

From this site:

This site provides a place for stepparents to talk about their issues, offer support, provide solutions, give helpful advice, ask questions on step parenting and blended families and vent.
Is this site for Step Parents only?
Absolutely NOT!
Even IF we wanted to restrict this site to step parents only, there's just no way we could. Think about it, there is absolutely no way to verify that someone is a step parent. Anyone can lie about their parenting status.
Our slogan is "where stepparents come to vent", but that in no way means that we don't welcome anyone else. We welcome anyone who wants to contribute to this site in a constructive way, even if they aren't a parent at all. As long as you play by our rules, you're welcome!

It's a quote from the Terms

It's a quote from the Terms of Use. That's why it's phrased that way.

...maybe they could read up

...maybe they could read up some parenting articles or how PAS affects your child...

Ok I'm calling both you out

Ok I'm calling both you out on this -

All this ambigous "they"....who is "they" be adults and not teenagers and say what you need to say.

So say-IF you are referring to someone like me- what makes ASSume I'm a scorned BM?
What makes you think I "PAS" my children? Proof. not assumptions. Don't make false accusations or assumptions just because your lashing out.

By the way. You may already know I dislike the term PAS based on the man who invented the theory-though I do agree firmly that alienation exists.

Shit I see it from SM's and NCDads against the BM here as well as with the BM"s the other way around that you may deal with.

I was not talking

I was not talking specifically about you overit2...unless you consider yourself a psycho BM.

I am ALSO a BM but I do not PAS my child either or alienate him in any manner.

I am not sure why you got so mad since I was responding to another person's post and didn't respond to you or anything you said.

As far as the "they" that I referred to, it is BMs who have no other point of being here than to rile up the others here. Sorry if that hit too close to home for ya.

I'm a BM/SM and I have to

I'm a BM/SM and I have to tell you that I can see both sides most of the time but my bm is just well she is need of a lot of help!!

I am not an angry bm although my kids dad hasn't seen them in over 15 years.

Hmmmmmmm. I am a stepmother

Hmmmmmmm. I am a stepmother and a biological mother.

I think when a biological mother reads some of the posts on this site, she is likely petrified that maybe her children are being treated poorly when they visit their father and stepmother. I can't imagine having to allow my kids to spend time with their dad if I felt their stepmother hated them. Honestly, I guess I would likely turn into the very BM that so many of us hate. I wouldn't let my kids go to their dad's house if I felt like their stepmother was unkind to them. I would take the risk of being dragged into court and just pray that I could explain my decision to the judge. Luckily, my kids have a wonderful "other-mother". They are very lucky to have her in their lives.

I know that most of the women on this site are just venting. But imagine a scared biological mother reading through some of the posts. Should they be on the site? Probably not. But if they do skim the site, they see an awful lot of "I hate my stepkids", and "guess what I did this weekend to make the skids miserable" type of stuff.

At the same time, I am a stepmother. My husband's ex is difficult to the point of being certifiable sometimes. And my stepkids used to be absolute terrors. I remember days when I just wanted to throttle them! And venting about that is healthy. However, when you cross the line between venting and action, you are hurting kids. And that's where I have a problem. I get venting. But I don't think there is ever an excuse for treating a young child poorly.

Unfortunately, some BMs -

Unfortunately, some BMs - including ours - don't take the time to know whether or not the SM to their kids is a good person or an actual stepmonster!

I agree with Nomi. If I were

I agree with Nomi. If I were a Bio mom and saw that this site was primarily geared towards step parents I might just look for a site that would be more supportive to the bio parents. IMO, as I am not a bio parent, I wouldn't find this website very helpful if I myself were having problems with a step parent being a part of my childs life. Everyone should be welcome to vent and share stories but that doesn't mean its a good fit for everyone. JMO.

But that's exactly the

But that's exactly the problem, Nomi. That smart mouthed 5 year old hasn't been taught better. Kids live what they learn. There is no way around that. We have to blame the right person. Sometimes that person is the BM. But if we spend any real amount of time with the kids, then we own part of that as well. And at the very least, if we as stepmom's don't want the responsibility, we sure as hell have to expect our DH's to own some of the problem.

And again, I'm NOT defending the psycho exes out there. Trust me when I say, my husband's ex-wife would be the freakin' QUEEN of bizzaro ex-world. She wrote the book: "How to Effectively Torture Your Ex-Husband's Wife".

You are right about that.

You are right about that. The blame falls on guilty daddy, not on BM. Which makes you wonder...Did the marriage between BM and DH fail because of exactly this kind of thing. If DH isn't willing to step up and parent his kids, I wonder what else he fails to do.

To me, a DH who allows his wife to be treated poorly by anyone, including his children and his ex, isn't worthy of staying with.

You probably have a point.

You probably have a point. SMs come here to say things that they have no place else to say them. BM comes here, thinking the worst of SM anyway and with any other complex issues as well (jealousy, guilt, whatever), reads a vent post and 'freaks' thinking for some reason that all SMs are always like that and hate their kids.

Exactly.

to answer that ? about how

to answer that ? about how would you feel knowing the step mom doesn't like your kids is simple, How are you and their dad raising the kids? Are you 2 raising them to be respectful and to become good citizens or are they likely to grow and be what most of the kids here are growing up to be, useless?

If they are being raised to be healthy good adults and to be respectful then you don;t have to worry but if the dad is a disney dad or the bm thinks their child can do no wrong then I can see where the step mom has problems liking your child that is what bm's need to think about the most!

I kind of disagree with this

I kind of disagree with this though. Personally I don't deal with a SM to my kids. My exh has had gfriends-the one he lived with the kids didn't like to well. THey aren't perfect model citizens, of course not, they're normal kids-they can make a mess, fight w/eachother, dig their heels in, not listen sometimes...but every kid is like this-unless they have the authoritarian type parents that beat them at every turn and they turn into these perfect model kids that never do anything wrong-until they reach adulthood and are f'ed in the head to a degree these parents never thought imaginable.

BUT my kids don't disrespect adults-they do chores-they wash their hands...they are normal well adjusted kids-there teachers till now did not know they are from a divorced home (they are in 4th and 5th grade-and it's been me raising them for the last 7 years). They are liked by their family, uncles/aunts/cousins, by their teachers, by their neighbors and coaches, they have many friends and other adults that enjoy being with them.

But here it was-my exh had them EOW and his gf resented that-she didn't like the time it took from her and him together-even if it was 3 days out of the month-she never had kids was in her 40's, never married. She wasn't used to kids being noisy, boisterous, leaving a video game controller around, having to be tended to with meals, and play time. She would get mad if he wanted to spend any alone time with just them. She was jealous of them and just was not a person that liked kids. She wasn't mean that I know of but would often start complaining to my exh (in spanish)-which would trigger my exh temper and fighting would start and go on for hours-the kids hated it.

SO my kids didn't like going. They knew she didn't like them too much. THey didn't go up to greet her but if my exh asked them to they would-they couldn't explain to me why they didn't they just didn't. And I told them over and over it was ok to like her, that I thought she was very nice and I liked her...but Kids SENSE things and react to what they sense in another adult in how they are cared for or not. They were never rude or mean to her but they were never very close to her either.

My ex would argue w/her about 3 days a month!!! She would often invite her family over from out of state on his wknds or make "non-refundable" travel plans on his wknds. She knew moving in with him he had kids and had a responsibility to them. She resented it.

So even if you do have normal behaved, decent kids there's a good chance they can end up with a woman who doesn't like kids period-who is possesive, controlling and jealous of dads time with them. It's not ALWAYS the fault of the skids-bm's and "disney dads" either. There are MANY sides of the coin.
By spending time here I'd say a big number of women here greatly dislike kids-any kid

For me this is what's odd-there's a natural affection that came over me when I met and spent time w/my bf's girl because she is part of the man I love. I have a natural biase gravitating towards enjoying and liking her. That seems to not be the case many times here. I find that odd.

Same as I automatically like and have more tolerance and even deeply love my nephews/nieces because they were part of someone I loved. Even if they get on my nerves.

Sorry I wasn't talking about

Sorry I wasn't talking about crazy people but normal people who are in a sm position. Normal kids too not that they have to perfect all the time I know we have 5 between us. I meant in normal situations.

The difference between you

The difference between you and I nomi, is that I wouldn't tolerate a child telling me "no". It wouldn't matter to me whether it was a bio or step, or for that matter, a neighbor's child. If I say "get down", she sure as heck better get down. If not, I would walk over, get her down, and put her little rear-end in her room for about an hour. What you describe is not unusual. That is simply a child testing you. They'll do the same thing to a babysitter or a teacher. She knows what she can get by with when her daddy is around. She is just trying to find that line with you.

Very true, Nomi. When you

Very true, Nomi. When you discipline a stepchild, you just know a very different story is going to go back to BM. That's where you just have to do the right thing over and over again. Eventually, the kids figure it out. At least mine did. I was the evil stepmother for years. And lo and behold, a few years ago, my stepkids decided I wasn't so bad and moved in with us.

I am pretty strict. But I am very fair. The kids know my expectations. And they understand the consequences of not meeting them. I think as they got older, they really wanted the structure that we could offer them in our home.

Now that we are custodial, all kinds of nonsense goes back to BM. I couldn't possibly care less. My husband's ex-wife can't stand me. But she knows that I adore her children. And I think she knows at this point that I do a much better job of the day-to-day parenting than she did.

I'm a BM and a SM and I'm not

I'm a BM and a SM and I'm not angry at all. I don't encourage alienation, PAS or whatever you want to call it. I happen to love my skids but can't stand BM2 as she is doing her best to alienate SDs from DH and I. Ok, so maybe I'm angry at her. LOL

Ok I'm new here too. Trying

Ok I'm new here too. Trying to get the hang of things (no pun intended)

Everytime I read BM I really have to think about it? Does anyone else get this nasty comparison in their head when they read that?

Pretty clever to the person who thought it up. It sums up the one I deal with..... just sumthing I don't need a daily dose of!

I can see where it's easy to

I can see where it's easy to suspect that every harsh/direct poster is an angry BM. Obviously that's where the bulk of the anger & ill feelings of the members here are directed in our personal lives. All it takes is signing in each day to get the blood boiling & take shots at these BM's who make our lives miserable. The truth is, though, it's not whether we are a SM or BM that determines the way we post our comments or phrase things. Some individuals (SM's & BM's) are direct. Others are not. Just as some of us prefer direct responses & don't necessarily require the extra fluff, others prefer a pat on the shoulder & a "you go girl/guy", & of course, there are those in between. I know I have been direct in some of my responses where apparently fluff was preferred. I have been accused of being an undercover BM, other member's alter-egos, & a man posting as a woman. I am none of those. I am not a BM at all. I am a SM. I happen to love my skids & I happen to think my DH has been a responsible parent. I share similar opinions with some SM's here & my opinions clash severely with others. Then there are those that are somewhere in between. I don't come here for the sake of making friends. Not to say that I haven't made friends here, but I don't make my comments based on who will support them & who won't. If I have a comment to make I make it...often minus the fluff. I guess my point is I think it's unrealistic to assume that because someone shares opinions that go against the grain they are an "angry BM".

So, nothing personal against the OP. I see the assumption/accusation posted quite often.

Just thought I'd share my take on it...

When I post a question, I

When I post a question, I want honest feedback...even if it's not what I want to hear. I understand that sometimes when you are right in the middle of all the drama, it's easy to lose sight of the bigger picture.

But I need to do a better job of remembering that not everyone wants opinion. Some people just want to vent. It's just very hard to always see the difference between posters who want honest feedback and those who just want validation.

Agreed!!! "I have been

Agreed!!!

"I have been accused of being an undercover BM, other member's alter-egos, & a man posting as a woman."

YES YES YES- This has happened to me plenty of times and I've seen that happen to ANYONE that dares go against the "grain" of a few. It's really wrong and give the person 0 credibility from that point forward to me-in other words their opinions just all become null and void and meaningless.

"I guess my point is I think it's unrealistic to assume that because someone shares opinions that go against the grain they are an "angry BM".
So, nothing personal against the OP. I see the assumption/accusation posted quite often."

Again-agreed 100% thanks for saying this. It needed to be said.

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Just a Question About Angry BM's on StepTalk :)

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