It's the same here. My husband usually agrees with me on issues but would rather fight with me about it than take it up with biomom. He tries to avoid fighting with biomom at all costs!! I don't understand that either. I mean, biomom is usually the one causing the problem/issue. Why not tell her how it is??? I just don't get it!

Dawn

The dad always feels that if he does something to piss biomom off she'll do something stupid with the kids or try to get the kids to be against him or to think he doesn't love them or care about them. I do feel for my husband because it must be stressful at times when he has me, his current wife, telling him what I want him to do and her, the ex, mouthing off about me - when all the poor guy wants is a quiet life. But then ...... I think to myself, well I didn't cause the two of you to get divorced, I didn't break up your family home so although I understand what he's going through why must I pay for his life's wrongs? and yes it is always easier to argue with current wife cos she loves you and will forgive you - biomom won't - she'll store and use it against you. It seems people who are in each role, that of husband, stepmom and biomom, can't understand any of the other's roles and feel very put out when things don't go how they think it should - this often happens to me on a daily basis.

The answer is dad is afraid that biomom will take him back to court for more $$$. I've asked my husband the same question you're all are asking and that is what he said. He said she might have won the battle but he is to win the war. She could actually go back now and court would grant her more child support because it is based on exhusband's income. It would be devastating for us if that ever happened. I use to get frustrated because I'm fighting w/him about ex's actions and yet he won't fight w/her or talk to her about it. Try asking your husbands that question and see what he says.

He has Zero contact with his "X" cause his kids are older....but I do find he is afraid of arguing with them over anything. He dances around, sidesteps issues and will not engage them about their behavior in any way. She did have the kids turned against him when he first left, the "X" told the youngest (15 then) that he had abandoned her, didn't love her, etc. (I'll have to tell that story in a little more detail sometime.)

He didn't want to play tug-of-war with the kids in the middle with the nut..so he made sure the kids new that the situation with their mother had become intolerable..it had nothing to do with them..he loved them and his door was always open.. (That's why she had a key to our house.)It was still him she called to drive her here, bring this to work, help me with this, etc. but he was kept at arms length due to "X"'s influence

They eventually figured it out..and without him as a target in the household..the kids got a taste of mothers true colors..they came back around to him on thier own.

When she came to live with us... definately hands off parenting! It took me by surprise. He was not hands off with my kids. If they needed to pick up their mess..neither one of us had a problem telling them ..."hey, you made a mess..pick it up"....but if I complained to him about SD clothes all over the rec room, dirty dishes marking everyplace she had sat that day, taking my clean wet laundry out of the washer cause she wanted to wash 4 things..AND dumping it on top of a linty dryer!! He took offence with me..!!
(I choice not to confront her directly myself because teenagers were totally foreign creatures to me..and I though it would be better that her bio-parent continue to parent her..not the time for a stranger (me) to boss her around)

During one huge argument...he actually admitted that he was afraid of driving her away...he lost her once for that period of time..and it really shook up his world.. As tough as he likes to pretend he is..... It was probably the most devestating time in his life..when the mother had turned her against him. We would fight..he would begrudingly ask her to pick up after herself..because he knew intellectually that was the right thing to do..but his emotions and desire to keep her happy/feeling loved, etc it was a constant battle.

Then she moved in with her boyfriend and keeps her own house very neat, by the way!!! Still doesn't clear her own dishes from the table at our house when she comes over for supper...I think she just does it to get on my nerves!!

But I choose my battles wisely.....

I really think that we all feel the same way when it comes to the exwife. The guys don't want to argue with her because that's why the left in the first place - it's a no win situation. The exwives are still trying to control every issue with their children's lives and you (me) have to tolerate it all when we know it's wrong. I wish I had the answer - but I try not to put too much pressure on my boyfriend because it only causes trouble between us - which is just what the exwife wants. It's always been the way it is and I can't expect that things will change because I want them to.