Dilemma
SS is 6 and in his first year of boy scouts. BM agreed that this is a father/son activity and has allowed DH to take son to all activities regardless of whose week it fell on. (We have 50/50 care alternating every other week) The final activity is next Friday, which falls on her week. It is a “family campout/cookout” and the boys are getting the rest of their patches.
Since the activity falls on her week and it is a “family cookout” we can’t really tell her not to go. But we are not a big family with her included. SS technically has two family lives. One with his father and me and one with his mom. DH and I agree along time ago that we will not intermix the two. And personally how would that work? Would all of us sit around the campfire as one big happy family? I think not. I told DH that he should take son on his own. That is only fair since he has been the one doing all the work for patches. If BM wanted to go he would explain the situation and tell her I wasn’t going to make things fair and hopefully she would let Dad and son have their evening.
Here is the problem. DH just got switched to 2nd shift for only three weeks. He will have to miss the campout. My husband is just sick he can’t go but he also can’t miss work since he is the Forman. The cookout does fall on Mom’s week and she has done nothing to help him with patches, even pay for uniform, or do any of the work. Would it be terrible to suggest he go with another Dad and Boy Scout? BM is the not the outdoors type. Last outdoor activity I saw her at she was too hot and had to go sit in the car with the air on.
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I can relate to this one
We have the same kinds of problems. When ss was old enough to join cub scouts Bm said SHE was going to sign him up. We kept asking her if she had done it and she never did. So we waited until the first year of cub scouts was half over and Dh decided to tell Bm that he was signing ss up. This is back when Bm had primary custody and lived in a different town than us. Bm has never been involved with scouts since then and we don't feel the need to include her since she did her best to prevent ss from participating the beginning. My ss has miss a lot of scout activities because he was at his mom's house. We just have to accept it.
You're right about it not being fair for Bm to show up for the awards and act like she has done all of the work when it was your Dh. It is very hard but we make the best of it. Ss is now a Boy Scout and has achieved the rank of Tenderfoot so it is possible to still advance even if you have to miss some of the events. I would work out what you can and not worry about missed events too much.
Dawn
?????
So do we let her take him and let her sit back and reap the glory of him earning his patches that she did nothing for?? Do I show up too and both "Mom's" sit and roast marshmallows together, or does husband call her up and explain how he feels. (He is hurt and rightfully so he should be there. Since he can't make it he doesn't feel comfortable with her taking him.) The only thing she showed up for all year was the pinewood derby to watch and left before the other boys were even done.
Well
I totally understand your Dh being uncomfortable with Bm taking him. I'm guessing that she wouldn't want you taking him by yourself, right? If that were the case she would probably want to take him herself.
Ok, would you be comfortable with going by yourself if she took him? You could take pictures for Dh to see.
I guess the bottom line is that if Dh is against her taking him, then he will just have to miss it. After all, if it weren't for Dh ss wouldn't be in scouts at all right?
Dawn
Well I have questions also
First, has bm even said you all can do this activity on HER weekend? Because to me, you are at the 4th step and you should be at 1.
You said 3 times that this is her weekend, and no where did you mention that BM even agreed that you all could even have SS on her weekend, which basically, who goes and what you suggest is just null and void until she says you can keep him on her weekend, and honestly, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Is it crappy, especially since it is SS badges being presented? Of ocurse it is, but it is her weekend, and if she wants to have him lay in the house all weekend with her, it's still her weekend.
Now if she has already agreed to have ss come over, then who accompanies him to the boy scout event is a mute point, because she said you all could have him,
do you see what I am saying?
It seems like you're wanting BM to something but really you don't even have the access to ss for the weekend in question.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
BM agreed from day one of
BM agreed from day one of boy scouts that no matter whose week it is DH can take him to all boy scout events. He has went to her house and picked SS up for den/pack meetings no questions asked. DH gives her schedule then reminds her later on when meeting are if they are on her week. This one falls on her week yes. No discussion was made yet as to who all was going for the "family cookout". (Her, I, SS, and DH???) She probably does not realize DH will be on 2nd shift. Now who takes son or does he miss it. Cookout is 40 minutes away. If asked I am sure she will opt out of not taking him. (Too much work for her) But she is also a vidoe camera freak and god forbid she miss something she can video her son doing. (that last comment probably wasn't necessary)
Ok Now I understand more
Well then I guess I would have to say that if BM already agreed you and Dad can have son for all Boy Scouts activities, and dad can't be there, if I am hearing you correctly, Dad can't be there at all, whether or not BM goes or you go, Dad can't be there right?
Because if that's the case, then if you want to go, and SS wants to go, then if this has already been agree on, are you able to pick up SS from school next Friday and take him? And if you don't want to take him, then why would you not want BM to take him, even though she had nothing to do with his patches, I get that, BUT DAD can't be there, so why not BM? Again if you don't want to go?
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
Why can't both Moms go???
Why can't you and BM go?? So what if two moms show up. You are both his family and both deserve to see him earn his recognitions. I think everyone is forgetting that that day is about the SS, not whose weekend it is, which mom should go, etc. It is about a little bot who has worked hard to acheiev goals and deserves to have as many people that love around him for this special day as possible. I think sometimes we all need to step back and think about the children and set aside the hard feeling and resentment from past situations.
Hmmm!
My first thought would be for both mom and SM to go, but then I tossed that idea out just as quickly as it entered my head. I certainly wouldn't want to share air with my skids' BM if I didn't absolutely positively have to and probably a lot of us feel that way. If you think you can be there with her, then that's a great option, but if you can't, that's understandable.
Then I thought, well, if Dad is supposed to do it and he can't, and if it's mom's regular weekend, anyway, then let HER do it. I wouldn't care about her claiming any recognition, because it'll all be in her own mind. Child, father and anyone else who cares will all know it was a daddy/son thing and that she has had nothing to do with it. She'll come off as a poser to anyone else, even if she's a legend in her own mind.
He can't trade with someone or get a vacation day? Maybe come in late/leave early or something like that? Call in sick?! I mean, these things happen from time to time. Surely someone could cover. If not, I don't know. Not fair for child to miss it... not fair for dad to miss it, either. If anyone comes up with a solution to "life's not fair," please let me know!
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.